Living in the same house
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| Wed, 03-05-2008 - 7:33am |
My 'husband' and I talked last night and decided that he should remain in the house for as long as possible (although all of this is very new, he has already begun looking at houses in the area to buy). This seems like it will be good for the kids and will make things easier financially for us (in the short term).
He has already cut off contact with the OW (as far as I know, who knows if I can believe him)
From those who have done this before - what other ground rules should we set?
We are trying to remain friends - I have decided to minimize the amount of pain that I express when he his around (I am really devastated) (I guess it is a matter of pride as I feel so rejected). So we are on what appears at least to be 'friendly' terms. We are still doing our usual chores around the house.
I am not sure how long I can live with him here (my heart aches so much, I still love him very much). While he IS here, I want to make things as easy on myself and my children as possible.
What rules have you set? what are your experiences with this sort of arrangement?
Hurtnlost

My STBX and I are doing that.
Thank you for your response. I hope one day I can stop feeling so attached to him. That is the hardest part - seeing him at breakfast, still cooking him dinner, etc. like nothing is wrong while all the time wanting to kiss him, touch him, be with him in a way that is no longer possible. I am beginning to see that there is no possibility we will be together. I still want it but I can see it is not a real possibility. It is somewhat of a comfort to still have him in the house as I have never lived alone. The thought of all the responsibility of having to maintain the house, look out for my children, etc. weighs heavy on me. Him being there gives me a bit of a break from having to face everything all at once, I guess.
It is strange to say, but I really think he and I are going to continue to be friends.
It is helpful to hear about your experiences - and again, gives me hope that I won't feel this way forever.
Thank you :)
Hurtnlost
I know how you feel about being with him and seeing him.
Thank you for sharing those thoughts with me. I know what you mean - I can't believe how alone I feel. I was just thinking that my car is going to need to get the oil changed soon - I don't even know how to do that. I don't know what to say when I need to bring it in (this sounds really stupid, doesn't it?). I am so scared about having to do so many things that someone has always done for me.
I always thought it was so great that he wanted to take care of me and now I have to take care of myself and I have no idea how or whether I can even do it.
I feel incredibly lonely already and this whole thing is really just beginning....
I have really big mood swings these days - just like you - one minute I will be fine (there are some things I *won't* miss) and we *are* still going to be friends on some level and then something will occur to me (e.g. how do I get the oil changed in my car) and I fall apart. The news is still all too recent.. and the future at times seems teeming with possibility and at other times seems like a black void.
I think basically it comes down to me feeling scared and lonely. I am not sure what the solution is for that. Part of me thinks I should just find another adult to live here with me (not romantically but room-mates) for company and the comfort that comes with that. How childish does that sound? it is not realistic (I have 3 kids to care for and if husband thought I wanted a room-mate he would probably try to talk me into letting him stay - which would be too painful if it meant I had to actively watch him go out, etc).
I am rambling but thanks for listening! It feels good to talk with someone else who knows how I feel. I don't want to burden my friends too much with all of this over and over again...
No, you don't sound really stupid.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It is beginning to drive me crazy.
Then the other day he said he didn't know if he really wanted to move out at all - I think he what he really wants is to stay here indefinitely. He even made an off hand remark that perhaps we should just stay married. WTF? This is really challenging to me emotionally too - because I still love him. Although I really wish I didn't.....
Hurtnlost