Living in the same house

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Living in the same house
22
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:24pm

I am very appreciative of all the support the members of this board have given to me. Everyone's rational perspective is helping me get through this difficult time.

My dilemma -- My STBX and I work together and for the moment are getting along. I am very anxious however on my drive home. I do what I need to do and he sits on the couch as normal. When it's time for me to go to bed he sleeps on the couch and talks to his "girl friend" for many hours. He is acting now as if he is single. He is out with his friends which I never stopped him from doing before. He tells me and says he really doesn't have to but he is. He will be traveling to see his "girl friend" right after Christmas. I will take the kids on a "family" vacation. When we come back, my lawyer says we can have a meeting to start the mediation process so he figure out what alimony and child support will be so he can buy me out of the house. I would like to buy my own place closer to my family and fix it up before I move in. My question - does anyone have any advice as to how to live with someone who is interested in someone else? I can only close the door to my room for so long to avoid listening to him talking to his "friend"

On a positive note - I took the kids while STBX was out partying. We went to a bar/grill with arcade games for the kids. Someone who I have seen once before (when STBX and I were playing pool and said nice shot to me) gave the kids some quarters and was high - fiving them when they were playing well. I said thanks. As we left, this person wished us a merry christmas. I wanted to go back however, I have to be responsible and help my son study for his spelling exam. Thanks everyone for listening!!!

Brenda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:09pm
I too am living with my H even though he talks to the OW on the phone alot and like an hour a day sometimes and they share long emails. I was not handling this good but I think I will try to think of my future and ignore what he is doing. if I dont it drives me nuts and I cry and am in lots of pain. it only magnifies itself. Today I have tried to paint pictures of my future . At 57 sometimes that is limited LOL but please try to love yourself, ignore his infidelity and think about your future.
I understand your soaking up the attention of another man and thinking about Going back there believe me I do. but it will only hurt the situation and he will just twist around to say you deserve his infidelity which you dont. we are women and we need romance and man to compliment us and let us know we are worthy of their attention. but try to wait until your divorce is final and give yourself time to heal.
I am trying not to look at him today.......and if I start to remember good times I just shut it out.
Life can be so full and we have so many more important and less hurtful things we can focus on in our lives. I was a different person yesterday if you read my first post and perhaps who knows how I will be tomorrow. all we can do is try! I got a ton of pics of my grandkids today and that was such a warm blessing!
I would suggest my H get an apartment but he is leaving to boom out to a new job in a few weeks ......plus he is paying the bills. I do have my country music on though. hehe
its time I took over my own surroundings and make the home I want and that makes me feel good.
maybe your H could do some of the man things around your house before he leaves if he can find time and get bored. so make a list I say! Mine is busy sorting his paperwork etc and packing a little and took a few things to storage today. I dont know if I can get him to fix a couple things he has neglected. oh well........will call my brother. he can fix anything!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:28pm
Hello. I am new to this board, but I cannot believe that you are still living together. I could not stand that. I would not be able to act normal in front of my kids. I commend you if you are able to do this. You seem so calm about him seeing someone else. I can't seem to get over this point. I do not ever say her name, well, actually I refer to her with a word that I probably can't post on this board, but anyway, I am impressed with the calmness of your tone. How long has this been going on? What prompted it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 3:13am
He met this girl our 12 yr anniv. in the beginning of Oct. I found out 11/4/06 when he was on the phone with her at 3 a.m. I filed on 12/4/06. We had our problems and I think this was his way out. He is too lazy to initiate anything. Anyways-He won't leave "HIS" house. I'm stuck here until he gets me my $$ for 1/2 the house. Yesterday he says he needs my help to file his appearance and fill out his financial statements because he doesn't know where anything is. Then he says he will help me pack. Makes me feel like he's just about letting the door hit me on my backside on the way out. One thing that will probably throw me over the edge is if he moves this beast into "our" house. Well - just heard him on the phone again - she is on her way home from work and calls him on her ride. What is you situation?
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:37am

Over,

I too live in the home with my STBX. My situation is very strange. STBX was served with divorce papers, and didn't go to court. Apparently he thinks if he doesn't go to court, doesn't move out, and continues to sleep on the couch, then we aren't getting divorced. What a Jack@$$. He better get his act together. We haven't been able to pay our mortgage for 4 months and foreclosure is emminent.

It is so stressful, but not for long. I signed a lease for February 1 and I can start moving the 15th if I choose to. I can't wait to take my children get out of that house. I plan on telling him Christmas Eve that I am leaving on January 20th. Merry Christmas to me.

Christine

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 3:36pm
I've been reading these messages for quite somethime. I also am living in the same house as my husband. He also has a girlfriend and spends a great deal of time talking on the phone to her. The real horror though is last night he did not come home. He spent the night with OW. I am besides myself. We have DD who is 16 +DS who is 12. What is this man thinking doing this 3 days before Christmas? He went right to work from her house and I have not seen him yet. I know your pain. As for what can you do? Nothing but wonder what is going on in this man's brain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 9:37am
I would ask which head are they thinking with?? I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this right before Christmas. My STBX is leaving Christmas day to travel 800 miles to be with her. We are meeting with the attorney the beginning of January so we can start to hash out the finances and I can move on to my own place. I wish you a Merry Christmas. B-
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 5:34pm
I have had to live with my stbx as well. We filed last August and have been living together ever since. Neither one of us could afford to buy the other out so we have had to sell our home. He too has a girlfriend which I suspected long before I confirmed it by taping his phone calls. It has been the worst nightmare living with your "husband" when he has a girlfriend. He has acted as if he were single since last december. Staying out til all hours of the night, sneaking to the garage to make calls, spending the night out. I was a basket case for months as I begged him to please get rid of the gf and go to counseling and see if we could put our marriage together. One evening I overheard a conversation he was having with a male friend. He was actually laughing and mimmicking me crying and being upset about what was going on. It was then that I said I would never let him see me hurt or cry again and I stopped trying to work things out. Since then we have been living together in house full of tension. Fortunately he stayed gone alot of the time, but when he was home it was hell. We have three daughters 6, 9 , 12 and for them Im sure living in a house like that has been so very sad and upsetting. The good news is that after 6 months of having our home on the market it has sold and next week the kids and I will be moving into our own place. It is the saddest Christmas ever, but I think I am mourning the loss of our home more so than him. Long ago he rid himself of the responsibility of our relationship and home while I have been stuck with doing everything to get the house sold and packed and prepared for our move. I am looking forward to starting 2007 without him and I hope that I too will be able to rid myslef of him emotionally and mentally as he has with me. I seem to still have emotional ties to him and still feel connected and responsible. I pray that the first morning I wake up in my new place that I don't feel any of that anymore, and if I do I won't do one thing to act on it. Its been so long that Ive been stressed, depressed, worried, anxious, fearful, and unhappy that I can't remember what it feels like to feel happiness or carefree. I can't wait to get there. If you are stuck living with a stbx, as hard as it may be, remember its only temporary (even though it may be months or a year), your time will come to heal and life will go on again. Merry Christmas to everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 5:55pm
Congrats on the sale of your house! I can't believe he is so insensitive and has mimicked you with his friends. I have had my ups and downs with the STBX. He is so manipulative and know my buttons. I too can't wait until 2007. It can only get better right??? I too am looking forward to waking up in my own place and know I can start fresh and the kids (10 & 5) won't have to see STBX talking on the phone w/his G/F. As I am downstairs on the computer, he is upstairs on the phone. He says he's home everynight but unfortunately he is not spending quality time with the kids. Hopefully, he will be a better part time dad than a full time dad. Again-Congrats on the impending move. I started packing some of my stuff. Asked him if he wanted the wedding pics after he got off the phone w/ g/f. He said yes. I already had them packed. What does he want the pics for?? Obviously there is nothing left to our marriage. He won't stop talking to her. I sympathize with you being the one to pack up everything. We are always the responsible ones. Happy Holidays and good luck!!!
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 6:40pm

Yes congrats on the sale of your house! thats wonderful! I am keeping the house but it isnt much, but I will enjoy fixing it up more when he is gone. I hope I can pay the mortgage but that will come first in my life as we have to have a roof over our heads right? Our garage roof is totally wasted. I have no idea what I will do. Have you ever wondererd what it would be like to be a homeless person .....with her cart and her stuff all in it and the cold and the fear ........I have. I do have kids but you know some of us just would hate to be a burden.
I am a tad better each day I hope. I did start crying right after waking up this am. I dont think I have ever had this emotional roller coaster in my life like this. thinking I am ok one minute then balling my eyes out all the sudden. not even and build up just BANG ........here comes the pain and tears
I know it was a toxic relationship 28 years of it LOL so I dont know why there is so much pain and such a flood of tears! I am usually a tough cookie but that has gone with the wind.
It helps me so just to come to this board and write my feelings out.
He is busy taking things to storage so he can go to the next job and be out of here. Also my adult son who is here has leased an apartment in a nother state with a friend. I hate to see him go but at the same time this house is so small and I work at home and I need to space again so badly.
That hurts so much when they sneak away to call her. My H goes out to his car alot.
I can check our cell phone records and he talks to her about an hour a day on the avg.
that is more than he talked to me in a day in 28 years.
My H would always make fun of me when I cried when what I needed was to be held.
I was looking at him standing outside today and I could see his cruelty more than his kindness. and was thinking .....do I really love this man?
All of you have a wonderful Christmas. ~!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 6:46pm

Who ARE these men??! My STBX can be a jerk at times, but these guys sound just plain HORRIBLE. Of course, I am not living with him and there is no other "anyone" for either of us. That might make a difference.

Best wishes to all of you.

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