Living in the same house

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Living in the same house
22
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:24pm

I am very appreciative of all the support the members of this board have given to me. Everyone's rational perspective is helping me get through this difficult time.

My dilemma -- My STBX and I work together and for the moment are getting along. I am very anxious however on my drive home. I do what I need to do and he sits on the couch as normal. When it's time for me to go to bed he sleeps on the couch and talks to his "girl friend" for many hours. He is acting now as if he is single. He is out with his friends which I never stopped him from doing before. He tells me and says he really doesn't have to but he is. He will be traveling to see his "girl friend" right after Christmas. I will take the kids on a "family" vacation. When we come back, my lawyer says we can have a meeting to start the mediation process so he figure out what alimony and child support will be so he can buy me out of the house. I would like to buy my own place closer to my family and fix it up before I move in. My question - does anyone have any advice as to how to live with someone who is interested in someone else? I can only close the door to my room for so long to avoid listening to him talking to his "friend"

On a positive note - I took the kids while STBX was out partying. We went to a bar/grill with arcade games for the kids. Someone who I have seen once before (when STBX and I were playing pool and said nice shot to me) gave the kids some quarters and was high - fiving them when they were playing well. I said thanks. As we left, this person wished us a merry christmas. I wanted to go back however, I have to be responsible and help my son study for his spelling exam. Thanks everyone for listening!!!

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 7:29pm
Remember that old movie "war of the Roses". Well it's not nearly that bad at my house but I definetly feel your pain! We can't move on because we can't sell this house and can't afford to live separetly. I'm afraid to start dating... hang in there and good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 8:41pm
Well yes I think the deep hurt of rejection and lost love even if it was imaginary lost love is terribly painful. My H was so good to the kids but also he made me look bad in their eyes. everything was my fault and when I tried to get them to do chores he acted like I was mean and he would do their chores for them. he gave everything he had to his kids. He was good around the house as far as garbage, repair if it was an emergency. We had a good sex life. no romance really though. If you can settle for the basics. I have not been held at all in all these years.
He was a fair provider.......tho. so most of my problems with that marriage was the lack of caring for me, and the ridicule that was always pointed toward me. My kids are seeing the light now.......they do respect me I think. We were on a trip one time when the kids were young and it seems all the way home they all made fun of me. He started it of course so naturally they helped Daddy with his game I am sure my kids didnt realise how this hurt me.
I think its important for me to write this stuff out rather than remember any tender moments or the good in him. I guess he wasnt a jerk all the time but we are talking about an overall picture of the 29 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:16am

I completely understand! All that hurt and resentment is hard to get past. My goal is to always take the "high road" if there is one, and stay above the petty level. I know I will stumble along the way, but I really don't want to come through the divorce being bitter about things. I know I can't come out unaffected, but I want to be able to chalk it up to another difficult life experience. This outcome is especially important to me for my own well-being, but also for that of my daughters. I still believe in "true love" even though I did not find it with this man, and I don't want to lose that for my kids.

I sincerely wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 4:49pm
Thank you for your encouraging words. I especially like the attitude "Chalk it up as another difficult life experience."
I seem to be better everyday. I do see other couples who have been together for many years and they are treating each other very special so I am sure you are right there is real love out there. Right now I dont seem too interested in romance .....I guess survival is at the top of my list and I do not want to run out and get another man to help take care of me. I want to learn to take care of myself. My son says I am still a beautiful woman at 57. LOL Thank goodness for sons huh? lol
I will never settle for any relationship that has any inkling of toxic behaviour.
I wish it all happened earlier as he has been on yahoo personals looking for another life mate.....for three years. He stayed here to help my son who is an adult and trying to save money and he was afraid I would ask him to pay rent if he left. I am angry that he said I love you every night and all that.
Well I do so agree with you and thanks for reminding me. I have seen what this type of thing can do to a woman and she spends the rest of her life being bitter, angry, resentful and all she is doing is destroying her own life!
We will hang in there and their will be many rainbows in our life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 7:11pm
I am also in the exact same situation. My STBX actually lied and said he was called into work last night and then went to the OW's house. He did not have his uniform on for work when he left and even my 8 year old said "he's lying". It is so difficult and I just want him out of the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 8:30pm
All I want is a man whose face visibly lights up when he sees me and the same thing happens to me when I see him. That is what real love looks like. It sounds like something of which stories are made, but I see it. I see couples, even ones married for years, whose faces glow and eyes twinkle when they see each other. They fight, they argue, they bicker, they go through their hard times, they live their boring routine days, but their eyes say it all. I have yet to experience that, but I hope I get the chance some day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 10:49pm
I know...........well my stbx's woman is in a different state.......and she is married but he still loves her more than anyone he has ever loved especially me.
I tried to make him happy for 28 years. She was with him for 6 months, left to go back to her husband while pregnant with my H child.........and in 29 years she had not told the daughter he is her father........ but all the sudden the two of them are in love? over the phone and in email?
There is no way I could ever take him back for telling me he has always loved her more than he ever could me .....so I was fooled for 28 years.
He does sneak around with his cell phone all the time. he keeps it with him constantly. he must have taken my old adaptor cause whereever he is charging it I dont know. It seems so childish. I have her number from the verizon web site and he knows it. is he so much in puppy love that he cant lay his phone down for fear he miss a call from her?
Some of this makes me want to vomit while at the same time I am deeply hurt and broken
and feel so alone and go from sadness to anger. But I am trying. It sure helps to come to this board.
My H spent alot of today sorting through more of his stuff. I told him to take the table saw as it scares me. it was mine. but dont like to use them will get a mini one.
I think you have to be strong to watch them on the way out. its not like they can just go. I am not going to throw him out because he has agreed to support me for 3 months while I save my money for savings.
Dont you think they are so dumb looking when they sneak in an obvious way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 10:56pm
Yes you know I have seen those things too. And what I have had for 28 years...was only sexually. not in that loving way. I use to say you know our sex life is good but we dont spend time holding each other and stuff. He said romance was only in the movies.
? but now he loves her so much he cant let go of his cell phone, and says he loves her more than any woman in the world after a six month affair 29 years ago? And he acts like a love sick puppy .........I am so shocked. He says she is a very very special awesome woman. hmmmmm she is religious.....in what I consider a cult type religion and she told him if they do get together she will never quit going to church. he told her he would go with her .......? This certain church will keep her so busy she wont get in his way is that it?
here I go again LOL
no more thoughts.
We need to heal before we can think of any man in our future. I need to quit thinking about all of it so I can start healing. This time i have lost all love and respect for him. well I still love him but could never forgive him and ever take him back. He has raped my psyche this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:11pm
To the men who come to this board to post, please close your eyes and ears when you read this comment....I don't know if men have brains!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:11pm

Hi Genetixgirl - I am trying to do the same as you and take the high road in this whole thing. There is no affair (that I know of) so I think that makes things easier. I feel awful for my girls (4 and 2) but I am hoping that by leaving a situation where there was no real love, no affection for me that there is a chance I will have a healthy relationship down the road where that behaviour will be modelled for them.

I am also trying to look at this whole horrible situation as another life lesson that will make me stronger and wiser in the long run. I feel awful for my children I truely do, but I know I can't go on living like this knowing H has no respect or appreciation for me whatsoever.

Best of luck to you!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs