Living together separately. Help!
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 6:33pm |
Anyone else out there living with your husband but your separated? Our house is on the market and has been for sometime now. Neither one of us can afford the mortgage on our own so we are going to continue living together until the house gets sold. It has been going on for a long time now and although we get along fine, all things considered, it's still a bad situation and I think the longer it goes on, the worse things will get.
I've noticed some things starting to change. He's not taking care of the house anymore: not doing yard work, not finishing projects that he's started, not as neat as he used to be, etc. Also, now he's telling me that he can't afford to pay the bulk of the mortgage anymore and wants me to start paying more than I already am. He makes a lot more money than me and I pay for everything else in the house including paying off a credit card that he maxed out. I simply can't afford to pay anymore toward the mortgage. I don't know how much longer I can handle the stress. I'm so worried that we're going to fall behind in the payments and the bank forcloses.
Asking for a divorce was the most dificult thing I have ever done. But now that I've taken that step, I want to continue on with my life and move forward. I feel like I'm at a complete stand still and life is just moving forward without me. I just want to scream.
I am seeing someone who is very important to me and it's dificult because I don't want to make the situation at home worse. I am very discreet with the new relationship because I don't want to throw it in my husband's face. I'm sure he dates too but neither one of us would put it out there out of respect for the other.
I'm about at my wits end. I'm hoping someone out there can share their experience with me and give me some useful advice. I know I've jumped from one topic to the next but that it how my mind is working these days. I'm becoming scatterbrained!
Thanks

Lilyfay,
I feel your pain. I did EXACTLY what you are doing. I JUST left my spouse 11 wks ago, however, I spent 6 months in our home together before the our lease was up. It was the ROUGHEST, MOST STRESSFUL, MOST AUUUGGGHHHH time of my life! I would cry from the stress and the holding in my anger. I would cry listening to the radio, cry at work, damn near cry when I would go to see a client...but then after my last stint of walking out of the house and leaving my girls behind to go on a 2 mile drive crying my eyes out...I decided with the advice of my girls and my ex boss to go see a therapist..and once I did, I was able to let it flow off my back...now don't get me all wrong..yes honey, there was still times when i wanted him to leave and just forget how to get back home, but then..I would walk away and cry in my car and remember the light at the end of the tunnel...
remember and keep saying this mantra (My mom always tells me)
"This too shall pass" and I promise you..it will :-)
My other tidbit of advice - with him telling you that he can't take care of this and that like before...advise him that nothing with your finances have changed...and that you continue to take care of x, x and x and so he should continue to take care of his part..OTHERWISE the only other thing to do would be to spilt all bills in half...reminding him that he owes you money for the CC he maxed out and that you paid of...
Take care of you. There is no magic potion to this...just plug through it.
Lilyfay,
I was in exactly the same situation as you. I felt so taken advantage of. As far as the finances, when my lawyer found out what was happening, she flipped her lid. Not having been through a divorce before, I didn't know when I should be telling her things like that. She filed a petition for household contribution. They calculated what percentage of the combined earnings were mine and what percentage were his. Then they took the monthly household expenses, from what I reported on my financial disclosure statement. It's a simple calculation then to get how much he should be contributing to the household. I now have a signed court order that he needs to contribute money towards the household. I'm not sure what it would take to enforce it if he doesn't pay, but it scared by STBX straight.
Of course you have to pay your lawyer money to put together the documents and go to court for it, but it may be worth it.
Sending hugs and prayers,
Carole
Hi
I went thru the same thing. My X filed for divorce in Nov of 2003,he continued to live in our home all of 2004,that entire year he never spoke to me. He would not sit in the same room as me . We ate our meals in different rooms, etc. He also did not do anything around the house. if he spilled something on the floor or carpet it was left there. Projects he could of finished since he knew he was moving out in Jan of 2005 were left . As it was when we were married I did just about everything around the house,so for him to do nothing was not much of a reach for him.
He did continue to pay the mortage while I paid the rest of the bills but that was the norm too. The only difference is when I got done paying the bills I had nothing left from my paycheck ,him on the other hand was hiding $$ . While he was living here in 2004 his NEW home was being built.
My lawyer told me she has never heard of someone filing for a divorce and then going out and building a new home. She kept saying to me how can he do that now (building a home) when he does not know what the outcome of the divorce is going to be on him financially. I kept telling her that this should be telling her just how much $ he has that he does not have to wait until the divorce is over. If I told you his income compaired to mine and the amount of alimony he pays you would throw up.