Lonely weekends when child is with EX

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Lonely weekends when child is with EX
7
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:28am

Well I was alone this whole weekend. This town sucks and a majority of my friends are married or partnered.

EX picks up daughter EOW from 6 p.m. Fri to 6 p.m. Sun. Except for his last weekend he gave her up because he wanted to go play darts (plus be with his other baby's mom and his other baby and party for his birthday) and he knows that other baby's mom can't be around until the divorce is final. HOwever, he made our 4 1/2yr old lie to me and told her "Dont tell your mom **** was here."

I was ticked and now I have to complete a form to send to FOC to investigate into my allegations. It is a court order that she not be around during our dd parenting times. The other kid can be but not her. This is like the 5th time he has done it.

My EX told me that I was soooo mean that noone would want to be with me and that one day I would end up all alone. Well thank you - I am when my daughter isn't here.

Yes I have family but to bug them just for an excuse because my kid is gone. I would like to find someone just to hang with but there isn't anywhere to go to. This town is so small and everyone knows that my ex-hubby was cheating on me playing house in his sister's houses. How stupid I was.

I feel awful for thinking of me first and wanting to have someone in my life because my daughter is so much an important part of my life. Excuse she is MY LIFE.

I miss my ex but not for the reasons any one might think I miss him being here so that my daughter would never be away from me.

I am not reminding him but he has until April 15th to give me in writing his requested weeks inthe summer. I don't want her to be away from me that long. She is supposed to go every other week with him in the summer and I will die if he takes her that long. I swear to you all I know I am not the only one out here with this problem and some people have it worse going maybe at times a month but I can't she is my life.

My ex and I were high school sweethearts 16 and 17 and I had an abortion with him when I was 18. I never have gotten over that and that my baby would have been close to 15 yrs old today. I was old enough and I didnt have to do it but I was scared and he was too. But we will always have that connection of that and our DD. But I look at him now with this other kid that he denied to me all year and kept saying that our DD was his only baby. Even told that to our DD when she asked if he was going to have another baby. LIed right to my mother's face and said our DD was his only girl in his life and all he wanted.

I just wonder how he can be in this other childs life when I KNOW FOR SURE THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE this other chick like we loved each other. OUr DD was conceived out of love not a screw because of being drunk. Why waste my time on this - i kow because I am angry but I don't like being alone.

When will someone be there for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:51am

i'm about to have my first full weekend without my son next weekend, and i am really kind of freaked out about it. one night is hard enough, the whole weekend is going to be miserable. especially since i work and i feel like i dont see him enough anyway.
i dont know what to say except to empathize with you...the summertime weeks must be scaring you to death, i know they are to me. i also know what you mean about staying in the marriage so you wouldn't have to be apart from your kids, that is a big reason why i wanted mine to work out so much. not healthy i know, but a fact nonetheless.
i am pregnant so i cant even go out and have a drink with friends, or go to karaoke. drinking is a great idea with how unstable i feel right now anyway.

anyway, my shrink would say to try to find something to fill your time. it's probably in your childs best interest to spend that time with her dad. i find that when i think of my stbx as a dad and not the guy i married i can get through the nights knowing that a healthy relationship with his dad is what my son needs, even though it's hard on me. he's never been away from me for two nights before, so i'm worried about him....but he needs his dad too and to know he can rely on his dad like he does me.

are there any hobbies you've wanted to do but couldnt for lack of time? i know some of the ladies here have said they go to the library and load up on books. do you have any friends you've lost touch with you could find and reconnect with over dinner, drinks, coffee etc? movies you want to see? on the nights i know my son won't be with me, i plan activities in half hour increments (housecleaning till 11:30, lunch from 11:30-12:00, walk the dog from 12:00-12:30 etc etc) so that i am totally booked and dont have time to think about them and how i miss being a family-even though we stopped doing family things together long before my husband moved out. it's so sad.

i am rambling. i'll think good thoughts for you. and let me know how you do OK?

bridget

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 1:42pm
hey baby, so sorry for the pain you feel... But you can make things better, you really can! First of all, your ex does sound like a jerk, but fortunately he is outta your life at last! and congratulations on that! However, he is still your daugter's dad, and she does need him! believe me (i won't go into my personal situation here, just believe me), it's much better for a child to have even the crummiest daddy than none at all. He is a dumba$$ and an immature fool to make her lie, but what do you care? Let her spend time with him, and encourage it! She will be a much happier adult for having spent time with her daddy (whom she probably, sigh, loves...)
Next, making her "your life" is very unfair to her and you. You are asking a small child to share your adult burden of pain and loneliness. What are you going to do if in 12 years she wants to go to college? Don't do it. Again, this is what my mom did to me - and please please believe me, i am 32 and we both (my mom and I) are still dealing with that.
Make a life of your own. Volunteer at your church, at a women's or homeless (well, your town is probably too small to have homeless, lol) - helping people on the edge can make one very happy and fulfilled. Go back to college (by correspondence?) Go take a photography or cooking class at a local community college. Have you considered moving to a larger town? You are saying that everyone in town knows about your family situation - but if so, they also know that your husband is a jerk, and if they see you living a fun, fulfilled life, walking around with your head high in the air (instead of immersed in some sort of shame) - they will only have respect and admiration for you! Try to enjoy your life, please! You are healthy, you live in the US, and that means you can turn your entire life around! And by doing that you will also make your daughter happy and her future much brighter!
You are suffering a lot, but you must put a stop to that. Become proactive and grow as a person. Take it one day at a time and be proud of yourself: you are a survivor!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 6:08pm

Thanks alot for your response.

No, I don't have an option of moving out of this town even if I moved 20 miles away I would still see him and his family.

I have to hold my head high and I have no idea why I feel the need to hide. I want to find someone to be with me because they want to be with me. But I don't want my daughter to think I am ditching her.

Everyone says I am sooo better off without him and SOMEDAY you will find someone that wants to be with you and your daughter.

But I am so much in a rush because I hate being by myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and I hope to talk more soon.

Felicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:12pm
sweetheart, that's the point: you have gotta start enjoying YOURSELF before you are ready for a new, healthy relationship. You know, I struggle with that sometimes too, I define myself through my husband, family or friends. But I also have noticed that the more needy I am, the worse my relationships are. I guess I just go into them just expecting to TAKE and I have nothing to give. And people, even the most wonderful and giving of them, get tired... Then, on the contrary, when I make an effort not to get offended at my friend because she is too busy again to meet for a cup of coffee with me, when I say "ok, she IS busy, i'll just do something else until she has more time" - my friends are actually much more eager to see me! When I am all needy and clingly with my husband, he pulls away after a while. But when I am truly enjoying my work, my time reading or taking walks, he is all over me. I think when I am ejoying myself I am much more attractive to other people. And that is not even the point - when I MAKE MYSELF FEEL HAPPY - I feel happy. A lot of work, sure, but worth it. Every morning sit down alone for five minutes, close your eyes and recite all of the positive things in y9our life :"i am healthy; I have as much food as I want; I can drive a car; i love animals; my house has nice trees in the yard" - sounds very corny, but if you make a ritual of it, MANDATORY RITUAL, like brushing teeth, and concentrate on whtat you say - it will work, i promise you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:53am
Exactly what i was giong to say!

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 2:39am
I loved your post, so happy and full of life! I loved that you put your own personal perspective on that post. It is definitely something to think about: having a lousy dad is better than not having one at all. You added something that not many people think about. And you reminded me of my dad (who is an immigrant) when you said "you're healthy, you're living in America, that means you can turn your lfe around." Only when you are in that situation can you see the whole potential of what that means. I agree with what you said to feliciarg, maybe not about the lousy dad part, but it makes sense when you said that as a daughter of a single mother you know what it feels like when a child shares the burden of that lonliness and pain. There are so many strong, single mothers out there who do a great job, and live their life thru positive example. More power to you! You gave some great, old-fashioned advice. Sometimes we go thru our own pain and forget to see that sometimes after the rain, there is a rainbow after all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:52am

>>>When will someone be there for me?<<<

I think you need to adjust your perspective on things a little, and if you can do it, it will make a big difference in your life. When will someone be there for you? After you are there for yourself. Your life and your happiness is up to you, you decide how you live and what will make you happy, and you go out and get it for yourself. Then, if someone does come along they will find a happy, complete, fulfilled person they can fall in love with.

Your dd needs you to not live for her, and to not be afraid of being alone. She is going to have a hard time growing up and being her own person if you are her whole life. It's not healthy for you or her. Plus, as she starts to get older she will feel that you are hurting when you are alone, and she is going to feel guilt for wanting to spend time with her father. It is very detrimental to have her be responsible (knowing she must be with you) for you feeling okay.

Saying your weekends are lonely and you can't bear to be away from your dd for a week at a time in the summer is placing the focus solely on you. As a parent, you need to also think of this from your dd's perspective. She needs both parents in her life and as long as you both are, SHE will not be lonely, SHE will not be suffering. The fact she has a father that wants to spend time with her is GOOD and she is LUCKY, even if he won't win any father of the year awards. You are the parent, and you can handle your time alone much better than she would handle growing up without a father. Be glad that the burden is on you, not on her.

Your efforts to enforce the OW to not be around your dd are failing and I think you should recognize this. The fact that she is around dd is not harmful to dd from the posts I have read, but I get the feeling you find it harmful to you. The order for her to be out of the picture is temporary anyway, so you need to face she will be around. I urge you to let it go. Document it when you learn of it, save the information for when you are in court and if there is a need to show he was not compliant with the court order then you can do that... but trying to repeatedly get him to comply is not working and it's not going to work. You are resisting the inevitable and it is causing you stress and keeping your focus away from yourself and your life and your happiness.

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