Long post/update

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Long post/update
3
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 3:15pm

Morning momma's...

I hope you have had some peace and fun during this past week. I read often and always get encouragement here and enjoy finding out about some of the good things that are happening to regulars who post here, and learn things from reading our board.

I went to a DV shelter nearby and had an informational interview with a counselor there. Basically, unless you have a recent police report or current RO there is no way to get into a dv program in southern california. The legal advocate there did go with me to my pre trial conference...she was a very knowlegeable legal assistant, and so sweet. She could have actually sat in the conference potentially, but stbx's lawyer objected so they did not allow her in. Right before it started she hugged me and told me if at any point I thought I was going to lose it emotionally and start crying, to dig down and find some anger. She said if I shouted or was mad, they could take a break and then reconvene, but she knew how worried I was about crying...I used to cry like once a year maybe, during this divorce process, I just start at odd times even when I am doing something completely unrelated or not unpleasant, and I cannot stop for a long time. I have been worried about crying at the custody trial and therefore not being able to calmly present my information or answer questions etc. I had a counselor the first three months of this, stopped because of the cost, but hope to resume as soon as possible with someone who is knowledgeable about clients who were in long term emotional/psychologically controlling relationships. I do remember her telling me I need to find my voice, and I would be further along to healing once I was able to get mad.

I have anger I guess, but I don't feel it. I mostly feel numb - sometimes of course when stbx has done harrassing things during the divorce process I will get mad for a few minutes; but I am not super angry with him. The marital relationship was so over like four years ago, I was just plodding along, doing the best I could to tread water - I thought 'for the kids', which I finally came to see was not healthy for them and was able to start the divorce paperwork. Its been 10 months and still not over. I know some take a lot longer.

Well, the pretrial conference was really long...more like an investigation from the childrens lawyer basically - he went through my initial paperwork and summary and fired questions at both of us. It lasted two hours, with one five minute break. He is so obviously not impressed with stbx, though he was pretty stern with me too. That meeting was midweek, then on Friday we went to what we thought was the final trial.

The stbx's lawyer has gotten delays/continuances since Aug 4th which was supposedly the 'final trial'. Well, the judge said in light of the delays there was still evidence to be dealt with and that this was not going to be the final trial day, ...

At first that make me feel so bad; this date has been like my beacon...if I could just somehow make it til that magical final day, we would all have some closure, if I could just scrape together enough money to pay rent, etc til then. You all know the horrible stresses. There was an inital delay of antoher 30 minutes so I went and took a walk and tried to stay centered despite hearing of the delay. When we resumed, it was brutal. His lawyer called witnesses, had stbx up on stand, and then mil. You know, I had a lightbulb moment in the middle of this horrible show though. I wasn't surprised by what stbx tried to say during his testimony; and I had stayed calm. I was held to the last of the afternoon before they put me up there; which made it really hard because I did not get to make an opening statement and I could not rebutt anything they said...it was so hard not to scream a couple of times.

The custody situation has no abuses on either side as far as addictions,etc. It was clearly written and restated during the pre trial conference when asked, that stbx's pursuit of custody is not with me as an unfit mother; but rather that I am just stretched to the limit, have no financial resources, an entry level job and cannot/will not be able to provide for the 5 children on my own, thus he with his parents (money) and extended family can provide them with stability, better - private school special educational needs for our child with special needs,a new home in a great school district in a low crime mid sized town three states away. During this hearing though, the witnesses tried to establish that I was not a good mother, and their case basically has taken the main issues which I FILED THE ORIGINAL DIVORCE papers on and tried to make them his issues. Unbelievably - he said I was the one who didn't want to agree to let the children be enrolled in a local public school, that I didn't want to go forward with updating vaccinations, and that financially I cannot provide for them. I couldn't believe that. I am glad I at least had a lawyer initially because those claims and some substantiation is in the original filing...how his lawyer thought he could make that fly just amazes me. I'm pretty sure from comments from the judge that he is not easily hoodwinked.

My testimony was scary; but I stayed calm. I couldn't remember some dates; but I think I did fairly well ...you mainly have to answer yes or no unless asked to explain, and with no lawyer for me there was no one to cross examine and bring out other supporting information from my side. The children's lawyer was allowed four or five questions at the end of each witness the stbx's lawyer called up; and mostly what he brought out was negative to the father and his family, and I was really thankful he had those questions and caught them in some lies compared to what was given to him in the pre trial conference. In fact at the end of the afternoon, the stbx's lawyer accused him of being unfair, and said "Next time you want to represent petitioner and her son you should ask her for a retainer" -- the childrens lawyer got really angry and they had a heated discussion; don't know what was said but he brought stbx's lawyer up pretty short I think. Too bad there is no enjoying all this drama; some of it could probably provide a little comic relief if I could go that far with my emotions.

K...so my epiphany was this...I went there scared, with no lawyer etc. I was worried I would cry and not be able to present facts etc. But I was really fairly centered. I fell apart one time though...when mil went up on stand. And before I started crying, at the end of her testimony the judge asked me if I had any questions of her...he didn't allow or ask me that with any of the other witnesses. During her testimony she totally lied. Their lawyer led her with questions about the special needs son...they took what are the main exhibiting symptoms/issues that autistics have and presented them as if he was acting that way because of my care being neglectful during the five months I had them 80% of the time before the new judge came in and changed our custody to 50-50. Then they 'showed' the supposed results that he has progressed 'because' of the care the stbx has provided during the last four months. They wouldn't admit any of the issues were part of both of our parenting and working with him, that stbx had done it 'all' and basically autistic child is 90% 'better' and 'almost cured'.

First of all, praise God, he has progressed somewhat in these four months, and I think stbx does love him, and it is a result of both of us continuing to work with him that has helped him along; but he still needs professional help/care/education. I do not believe homeschooling and no expert assistant/care for his sensory issues, or his verbal difficulties is not the correct path at this point. They said things like, 'four months ago he could not ride a bicycle, but now he can and even without training wheels' --- I just smiled, and thought "Super, dad had the bikes AT HIS HOUSE, part of the many things he has kept from me either in storage or at his parents house. And I think its great that he taught him to ride the bike. He is 6, and its a bit later than some children, but that is a great thing. Does that mean I am neglectful? Omg. I used to think stbx loved the kids so much; I always put him on a white horse ... that I just wanted the divorce and to get on and learn what healthy relationships were about someday, but I have always thought he would try to be a good dad and not use the children through this...I was wrong. Anyhow that is the kind of stuff they brought up. His lawyer also pointed out that I live in a 2 bdroom apartment and it is not large enough for the children, that they 'lay around on the floor anywhere they can for there is nowhere/not enough beds for them to sleep'. My response was that neighbors gave us a wonderful set of bunkbeds, and a queen sized bed where two share, and the older son (15) has a teenage futon set he wants in his room as he can fold it up during the day to be like a couch, and even if I could afford to buy him a bed he doesn't want one. I sleep on the couch in the livingroom - (though more often than not one of the little ones wants me to sleep or snuggle with them of course.) Anyhow the childrens lawyer did smile at some of my responses and so I guess that means they were 'good' or made a point. The judge is very no nonsense, raised his voice to the lawyers, stbx and mil at various times during the pretrial. Only once he told me to answer yes or no and not explain anything.

You know the only time I broke down was at the end of mil's testimony. For some reason the judge said to me, "Do you have any questions of her?" She had sat up there and described three total lies at least and exxageration of other things twisting them to be worse than the original thing, like that the autistic child drew all over the walls of almost the whole house etc. (He did on his bedroom walls, it was an issue for about six months. I cleaned 75% of it off but two times he had found and used permanent markers and that would not come off, and stbx never painted the inside of our home the whole 15 years we lived there; other than repainting over it what could have been done?) Anyhow, at one point she said the four younger children had always been neglected by me... that I let them come to her house with filthy fingernails, that they actually 'stunk' and she would have to put them in the bath...that she never mentioned it to ds because she just thought that wasn't her place...BULL. She babysat our children literally probably 30 times in the 15 1/2 years of our marriage..I swear that...she had a thing about having babysat her first grandchild from other son way too much, and in our first year of marriage she told me before our first child was born, and she repeated it over the years occasionally, that she 'had already raised her kids, and one grandkid, and wasn't about to do it all over again." I started crying when she said those things. How very much I obviously had invested in my in-laws approval huh? We were a homeschooling family, a large family ... basically all the neighbors knew no other ones, we were Christians...our kids were basically a show case for how 'normal' a homeschooling family could be, besides I loved our life choices ... homeschooling for them when they were young made sense for several reason. I loved being a mom....I made most of my babys food from whole foods, I did extended nursing, I chose cloth diapers, I embraced and found some satisfaction in amidst the 'work' of raising little ones.

I can't say sometimes when I was overwhelmed I might have missed a few 'every single night' baths, or didn't sew up a rip in clothing and let them wear it or stuff like that, but basically my whole life, my daily life was living with, enjoying the children, taking them places, schooling them, having a home-based life and finding the good in that. I don't think other than being overtired, I was ever in a resentful place of that and did not neglect my babies or children...when the special needs child became/was diagnosed with autism, everything got busier, harder for me to handle with no help, but I continued on as much as possible the same as before. With more children any mom is busy, and yes there are some parts to your life you are going to be mediocre in, but it was not at a cost of health or caring for any of my sweet ones. She, of all people, saw and knew how hard I worked, how much I gave to the family happily, how I tried to make a home for her son. She knew it.

Even though it is natural to try and help her son during his divorce, I just can't believe she totally lied on the stand in her testimony. And you know what? There were no neighbors brought in as witnesses to any of the things she said...our kids played happily with several families nearby...if mine were being neglected, it would be easy to have contacted any of them and tried to have them testify also. They would not do this because that did not happen. I hated sitting there, not having any way of refuting what they said. The judge looked over at me though and asked me before he let her get down from the stand, "Do you have any questions of her?" I was sitting there stunned and had not expected to have him do that. After a minute, I just looked up at her and said, "If any of that were true, why didn't you ever help me?" She just said, that wasn't her place in life to help the daughter in law. Crud.

I wish sometimes that I was whatever he means by being a 'femi-nazi' --- one of his favorite sayings about women who have careers and are assertive and believe they deserve a fairly equitable place in a relationship. I haven't learned how yet; but I see the women who are there believe they have a right to joy, and I hope to find that space soon.

So after court he and his lawyer tried to pressure me again about how he is the best parent and can give the children so much, and for me to sign over sole legal/sole physical of the four little ones and that I 'could keep' the oldest son possibly. They think I am truly brainless. He has thought for so many years I have little value, that he totally thinks I am dim.

There is a child support hearing set now because his parents who own the family business has made up that he only gets minimum wage and has since last June, so that I make twice as much as him and instead of him owing us cs, he is going to counter that I actually owe him. The capital letter "L" is all I can think of. That he continues to not want to pay some amount of child support for his children is unthinkable. He made a very reasonable income for these past years, and his IRS forms for the last several are way, way more than minimum wage. But he says the business is in 'fluctuation' and no longer can afford his salary. That he is penniless, vehicle-less (of course he drives around in a late model truck the 'company' owns, and homeless as he lives with his parents).

Anyhow, the judge set the final custody trial for two months from now. I must find some, some way to make it to that. Maybe I can get a midshift waitressing job? The 15 year old would be alone at night and I don't like that idea, and also not sure if its legal...but it will be difficult to find a part time job where they will allow me one week on, one week off. I have to earn more money somehow. When his lawyer said I only have a two bdrm apartment and cited some code that supposedly shows how much square footage is required for the number of people in a dwelling, and that my apt management company would soon know so I would be being kicked out for breach of lease...the judge looked at him and said "Unless there is some evidence of abuse, counsel, do not think I am going to take away a mother's children solely because she is poor." That gave me a little bit of hope.

Then he said that how the stbx is letting me only see the kids two nights and three days a week is not equitable and said he would make a ruling right now and send it in writing to us in a couple of weeks. He asked stbx what he thought was fair for a near 50-50 parenting plan...stbx refused to answer because he 'doesn't believe in the children getting bounced back and forth between two homes just as he doesn't believe in divorce'. So then the judge asked me my preference, and I didn't really know what to answer except that I wanted them more close to 50% of the time and missed them terribly. He looked at my initial paperwork with how I had asked stbx for 50-50 parenting to begin with before I filed etc. Then he ruled that we are to have the children one week each, with a mid-week 3 or 4 hour dinner time visit since there are so many young ones. That did not please stbx's lawyer.

I am scrambling trying to figure out what sort of babysitter I can find who will help on an every other week basis. I also do not have anything in writing that will allow me to enroll the children in school, so I will hope the children's lawyer can get that addressed. I will ask him on Monday. Then I would only have to worry about after school care and half day care for the four year old. If they do not let/approve me to enroll them in school though this schedule will devastate me as I will lose my job.

The kids came to their visitation with me saying their daddy said his lawyer was getting the childrens' lawyer 'dismissed' because he had 'unfairly helped' me during the pre trial. I hope that doesn't happen. There grandfather came over to my car when I went to pick up the children that evening and said "This is it...you sign those papers or you can have your kids...I am done waiting. We are moving this business and that is it. I am going away for a week and this better be handled by the time I get back." Stbx sent me an email later (he hasn't allowed any communication with me at all phone, email etc for two months)...he told me the same thing he always used to, that he can give the children so much and for me to put my selfish 'love' aside and show the world how if I really love them I will let him have them and provide a good life for them and be done with all the court stuff.

I will ask for a few days unpaid leave of absence from work if I need to and get an appointment with social services to see if we can get food stamps; and see about if I am allowed to go enroll them in school or not. I am not sure what services might be available to us since I work and have only 50% custody right now. I just hope I can get a social worker assigned to us that can give me some guidance on what help if any I can feasibly get so I can make it through to the full trial. I am trying to think of what kind of extra work or part time job I can apply for where I could work in the evenings/weekend of the off week when he has them. My job brings in enough for the rent, but literally not much else. I found a food bank, it isn't much but will help in a pinch. You get one bag of stuff and you have to go there during business hours which doesn't make sense to me, but it might be a help. Maybe I can find a 2 bdroom apt somewhere which is a couple of hundred less than the one I have, but I just don't want to lie about how many children I have and that I will have them full time one week on and one week off. I am trying not to be frozen with worries, to just go one day at a time, trying to solve one problem at a time, but I do not thing anyone is going to agree to five children in a small apartment. When I applied here, I was totally honest with the manager; she told me not to be so honest (!) and she just basically put the application through and approved it knowing that the kids are not here 100% of the time; but I know that won't be true at most places I apply at. I have to be judicious also as it costs about $30 per application at rental places in our area.

Will you just pray for some guardian angels to be with our little ones during this next two months..and that somehow I can keep a roof over our heads. I think if I lose the apartment and have to stay in a shelter etc, that he will keep/find a legal way of keeping the children from me. I will keep trying to find a pro bono or extremely low cost lawyer to help me; but so far still haven't. His lawyer also said in the cross examination of me at the pretrial that I am not allowed to have a neighbor or friend do the child care, that I am required to have a licensed center or licensed childcare provider and further that I must get his agreement in writing and that they have to have current criminal background checks and current CPR certificates or he will not agree to the arrangement.

How do you moms who have joint custody work these things out? He can delay his 'approval' as long as he wants etc. He has the birth certificates and ssn cards of the children too, so I have to find the money somehow to get those if I get permission to enroll the children in school. I guess I must face the fact I probably am going to lose my job. They are great and have worked with me about having afternoons and many whole days off for lawyer appointments and hearings all these months; but they need someone in the department dependable and if I miss much more work they will probably have to let me go. This is sort of like a blog for me...a way to think out loud about problems I feel are mostly unanswerable, but still try to have hope. Only two choices...forward or backward, right? Thanks so, so much for anyone with tips or ideas that worked for them during this process. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 2:25pm

Annah,


I've been thinking about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:28pm

I am so very sorry you are going through so much anguish right now. But take hope from the fact that this judge seems to be seeing the truth. They see business owners and family manipulations all the time and DO recognize them.

Keep on with looking for better paying work and/or more affordable housing. Retail places are taking on seasonal help now. Maybe you could partner up with another single mom to share a rental home? More space and help with childcare...

I wish I could help. Keep your chin up. You are a very capable woman, that's obvious from the intelligent way you express yourself in your posts. You can do this. Remember--he hasn't been able to totally take them from you. That was your first fear. I have to believe this will go your way, eventually.

Congratulations on keeping your emotions in control in that courtroom. Your ex is probably scared now that he sees you getting more confident.

Shame on your MIL -- I hope the judge knew she was lying. My ex lied blatantly on the stand, but nobody in that room knew it but me, him and God. Take comfort in knowing that God knows the truth.

Lots and lots of hugs from Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:47pm

"He has the birth certificates and ssn cards of the children too, so I have to find the money somehow to get those"

You can purchase a certified copy of their birth certificates from the county where they were born. It is as good as having the original. In my county I think it costs $6.

I have never needed DD's SSN card. I know her number and use it on my tax forms. I havent' ever been asked for the card.