Long but really need imput please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Long but really need imput please!
4
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:16pm

Well this is going to be a long message because, seriously don't ask me why I am tell you this, but I need to tell someone and if I tell my friends here, or my family every one will hate the new BF....

I used to visit this site frequently from 2003 - 2005 - I went through a rough divorce and finally was offically divorced in June of 2004 - I dated a guy from June - March, and then I broke up with him and started dating the guy I am seeing now.... Any help/advice would be so much appreciated...
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So things have been really serious - Pretty much all of August, he stayed with me at place, we have been really close. We went to Argentina to together at the end of the month. Then he got back a week later then me from Argentina... to make a long story short, my X-husband occasionally calls me, and when he does, I put him right into my VM - then I erase the message/ number/ text message from my phone, I guess after two years, I just wish he would go away so I try and erase him from my life.... So Friday Sept. 9 - he calls and I looked at my phone and put him in my VM. My BF didn't say anything... so we go to my friends wedding on Sat. Sept. 10 - and we get home early because the BF was acting all mad by the end of the night.... So we get home and he starts grilling me about the call I got and why I get these mysterious calls on my phone, so I ended up spilling my guts to him about why I didn't want him to know about how my X is always bothering me etc... bottom line is that I am embarrassed that he won't respect me and leave me alone.... So we agreed from that point on, that we were going to be completely honest, we both asked each other if there was anything else we wanted to get off our chests.... We both said no and that was the end of it.... I didn't have any secrets, and he claimed neither did he....

So the rest of the week went really well, we felt closer than ever he stayed with me, we enjoyed each other. So we go to a wedding Saturday - Sept. 17- we had a good time, he has too sets of friends, on set of college buddies and one set of HS buddies. So this is his college buddies, that I have meet a few times and the crowd I met when we went to Minnesota for the wedding in June. Okay so we drank a lot and we end up going back to the hotel and we were hungry so we started walking around Chicago, we stayed in Greektown. We end up getting in a fight because when he drinks too much he gets really testy and sometimes mean... so I walk out of this 24 hour Gyro place and just started walking really fast.... some how I lost him.... and I got scared because he claimed a little earlier that he didn't remember where we were staying.... so I walked up and down the street going in every bar looking for him. I finally walked back to the hotel, ( I had his wallet, his cell phone, and the keys to the room). So I sat outside, and called his friend Tim to see if maybe he had heard from him. I hit the send button but for some reason, all the recent calls came up - I saw his X- girlfriends number come up three times.... (From that day Sat.) so I was like WTF..... So I called her (she lives in Miami)... We start talking and she tells me she has no idea about me, her and BF have been dating for almost two years... And they have never broke up - I ask her when the last time was that she saw him. She said she came in for the weekend of July 3 - 5!!!!!!!!! okay first of all, he went to his HS buddies wedding that weekend, and he was standing up in the wedding and told me that he didn't think I would have fun and that he asked if he could bring me but his friend said no. He also spent the night with me the night before and we were saying good bye and he said he had to go pick his friend that was coming in from Saint Louis up at the airport... YEAH RIGHT!! IT was his GF from Miami!!! He took her to the wedding..... She said they didn't have sex, and she even told me on the phone that she thought he might be gay because he wouldn't do it with her. She said they talk every day and have never broke up...... So at this point I am fuming, not as much about her as I am about the lie about July 3 - 5 - (now it makes sense why I have never met his HS buddies!!!)

I go to the hotel room thinking screw him, I hope he is sleeping on the street.... HE IS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so mad! I packed all of my stuff up and told him I never wanted to see him again, he kept saying wait you don't understand.... I see her as more of a friend, I swear nothing happened, I tried to break up with her in March, before I even met you and she cried and I felt bad for her. So I didn't want to hurt her feelings.... So I just stayed friends with her to keep her happy- I said you stupid idiot - now not only have you hurt her, but you also have hurt me... I mean I opened my house to this guy, I let him in the closest I have ever let any one in since my divorce. And the fact that the weekend before we both agreed that we have told each other everything, etc...... So he gets me to stay that night plus I really had no way of getting home...

The next day we talk and he tells me again how sorry he is but I have to understand why he did it. I guess I understand mostly but I am still really hurt, I feel so betrayed and even if he didn't have sex with her he still has deceived me since May about the whole thing...

What to do... not sure.

Sorry I had to get it out, it makes me very sad.

Thanks for listening :- )

I feel like a total fool - this is exactly what I left and now I am back to having to deal with it again... the lies are what makes me the maddest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:38pm
wow, do you think you could ever trust him again after something like this? I can't believe he had the nerve to be mad that you had a call from your x. I'm sorry but if there was nothing with this friend of his then why would he go to such lengths to hide it? And after you guys had your talk last weekend, why didn't he tell you then? I hope you can work things out with him if you really like him, but there definitely needs to be some more openness and trust there.
So is he going to break it off with her? I don't know if I believe the whole "they didn't have sex" thing, but that's just me. Sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:03pm

So he tells me that he is going to break up with her. I just don't know he says he is going to call her tonight.

I wanted him to call her last night, but he said that he wanted to send her an e-mail first to get all his thoughts out... so this is the string of e-mails that him and I just sent each other ( it goes from bottom to the most recent on top) ...

What do you think?
_______________________________________________________
HIM:

Yes, but it's my fault. No, I don't think so, just probably wants to voice her thoughts & hear an apology.

Again, I am sorry - this will be done soon.

ME:
this sucks... it just sucks really bad....

Do you think she is going to try and make you stay with her?

HIM:
Dude, come on............

ME:

So what do you think she needs to talk to you about?

HIM:

Not sure - of course I don't want to do it from work.........

ME:
When are you going to call her?

HIM:
I just got a txt message from Ana Claudia - she said she needs to talk with me & asked me to call her when I am free..........

ME:
Dude did you hear from Claudia?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 6:51pm

Hey there.....


I know where you are coming from.... boy do I know.


My boyfriend/fiance have been together since 1/04. XH and I have been separated since 7/03.


After I met my boyfriend, I got pregnant, 2 months later. It was a "rushed" thing and we weren't really ready for it. About 7 months later, a month before I delivered our baby, I found out he was "seeing" another girl...no sex, just kissing, and it was a co-worker.


I was crushed. I was pregnant, just went through this with my XH and I thought OMG, what the heck!!!! NOT AGAIN!


I completely understand. All the lies... the 3-4 times he went out with his "buddies" and it turned out to be her.... I was so mad because he lied to me. I think I could have handled it better if he would have come to me and said... I think we should be apart. Instead I get the "myterious phone calls" late at night.... it just bugged me.


It turns out, he and I worked it out. Believe it or not. When we talked the night I found out about her, I told him, he was no better than my XH and OW and that I was going to leave in the morning. I would take the kids and the baby I was carrying and we didn't need him. I was serious. That snapped him back into reality and he realized he was just scared. I was his first girlfriend in 3 years and BOOM, 2 kids and a baby on the way. He was scared to death. He was running from responsibility. That night he turned into someone I had never seen before.


When I met this guy, I thought, I won't be able to love again. Actually, when I got pregnant we weren't "in love" we were close, but it would have taken a lot to make me love someone after the ride my XH took me on.. The pregnancy was an accident, but we worked it out. The fear was only temporary and that night he changed. From that day on, almost a year ago, he has been 100% dedicated to us. He is a different person! Something I said that night made him see. He no longer works at that place where he met her, he stopped talking to her, he opened up to me with personal items, like sharing a cell phone ( 2 phones one plan, I see the bill and the calls he has made ) , putting my name on his bank account, we are happy, working towards OUR future and things just seem to be working out.


My point in all of this is sometimes you just know. You know when someone is good and when someone is bad on a promise. If you know your gut is telling you that he will dump this other girl and go for you and work with you for a future.... then you JUST KNOW. I knew, after I told him we were leaving and after he realized, I JUST KNEW.


It took a long time for me to be able to trust him again. Right now to this day I love him with all my heart. He is a different person, happy, loving me and my kids in obvious ways.... things just worked out. It IS possible. But, like I said, you just know.... your gut will tell you.


Hugs to you and good luck.


Angelena










iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:42am
If you were my daughter I'd tell you to dump this guy, and get your life in order before you start dating anyone else.
Sanguine