Looking for Feedback from Divorced Moms
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Looking for Feedback from Divorced Moms
| Sat, 11-19-2005 - 9:05pm |
Hello
I am thinking of asking my spouse for a divorce and was wondering if I could get feedback from moms with kids who have recently divorced.
What effect has it had on your children?
How did you explain it to your children?
How often do you get to see your children?
Do you wish you had worked things out?
How hard is it to make it work on your own?
Thank you so much!

Well, let me tell you first off, if you're going to leave because someone says they'll take care of you, you're likely to end up alone eventually.
1. After my ex left to be with his OW, my son would say - mommy why doesn't daddy sleep here anymore? He cried, understandably so.
2. I told him daddy and mommy would always love him, but we couldn't stay together - my now ex gave me the old line - I'm not leaving my son - I'm just leaving you line....
3. I see my child all the time - I didn't cheat so he knew it could get very ugly so I had no worries. I got a good lawyer - in fact my dear son is right here, I'm going to play a video game with him. My ex doesn't see him sleeping like an angel at night, not that he deserves to with the way he treated us.
4. My now ex left one day - I was at work - I guess there was nothing to work out.
5. I make a good living, I'm doing well. My ex - now lives in an apartment - alone.
By the way ex-OW cheated on my ex-H, got pregnant - now just had twins with another winner - she's now got 4 children with 3 different men.......
Each person's experience is completely different. Some mother's share custody, some get sole custody, some lose custody altogether. Some father's want to play the role, some don't. Sometimes the divorce was his fault, sometimes her fault, sometimes both. It comes in all varieties.
I got a divorce because of abuse and violence. The effect of divorce on my child was far less than the effect of sticking around. I didn't have to explain why the father was gone. My 4 year old already knew. But I did try to soften it and let him know what was happening in a way that was not vicious to the other parent, and let him know he was loved.
The father then disappeared and decided having a child to take care of or think about was too cramping for his new lifestyle. So he is no longer in the picture by choice. Needless to say, I am the only parent that sees my son.
I have no wishes of having done anything different, except that I wish I had left sooner. There was nothing to work out because he still insists up to the last day I ever heard anything from him that he deserved all money, all property, and my son, and that all the violence was caused by me 'enabling' him to do it. (he used those exact words). Fortunately the police and the courts didn't agree with him.
As for making it on my own, I have a good job. He took every bit of money from the accounts at the time I left, and during the marriage (if you want to call it that) kept his own paycheck from me while making me pay for all his living expenses. He swiped over 100k possibly pushing 150k (I never knew until I left and started investigating the accounts) but I felt like I had a promotion after he left, because he couldn't siphen my paycheck anymore. He forced us to live as if on nearly minimum wage while he was here, when we should have been living quite nicely. I have no chance to get back any of the money I am entitled to without major costs on my part. He ditched out to another country. But in spite of all of that, and not receiving any form of child support, I am doing ok.
I think MUCH of this depends on 1. the age of yoru children
of course, it depends on a lot of different factors, but i can tell you my story. i got divorced from my son's father when DS
My stbx and I seperated the first week of January '05 we will be divorced anytime soon. It was a long time coming.
1. My children were very sad to hear about it, but we both told them and I think that was somewhat comforting to them.
It has had an effect on my kids. The first month was pretty hard on my 8-year-old. If she was with him she was crying for me if she was with me she was crying for him. My oldest picked sides and decided to hate me for it and moved his stuff to the apartment. My ex let it happen and then got a GF so isn't around as much so my son blames me.
I regret that it wasn't explained better to the kids. I came home from work and my ex was moving stuff and the kids were all thinking they had to choose sides. I was furious with my ex for allowing them to think that.
I pretty much see my kids daily. There might be one or two nights during the week when I don't see them because I work three long days a week.
I don't wish I had worked it out with the ex. We grew apart with totally different interests.
It's hard doing it on my own, but it was hard with him too. It wasn't a "partnership" and he didn't care about building a solid future. I took care of all the bills and ran the house. My ex only cared about his business accounts. Any extra money he made went toward buying stuff for it and not for taking care of things at home.
ITA that it depends on the reason for the divorce and the nature of your relationship with your spouse, before and after.
Well, I guess my divorce could be considered "normal"...I think we have both worked pretty hard to keep it that way...There was no affairs, no physical abuse, no alcohol or other addiction in my marriage...Most who I talk to say that there was a form of emotional abuse...don't know...
My marriage in a nutshell, We both worked full time, my stbx was a flight attendant so he was away from home for anywhere from 3-6 days a week...We have two kids 5
We've only been separated for 4 months.
Our children ages 7 and 1.5 are generally doing very well, but the approaching holidays are going to be very hard for our oldest.
We both assured our oldest that we both love her very much, that our love for her would never change, but that mommy and daddy can do a better job at being her and her brother's parents if we don't live together anymore. STBX rents a house right around the corner. After we told her she took a walk with her daddy to see his new house and her new room. Then they returned to our home together. STBX moved out later that week.
I do not at all miss the stranger that I have been married to the past few years. I do wish we could have worked it out for our children. They will always want us together. I am still mourning the loss of the love we shared years ago, but I know that it is dead.
My situation is different than most I think. My life is actually much easier now because STBX is a better father now than before. STBX and I make similar incomes so we are each supporting our own household and we share child responsibilities as equally as we can. STBX was a frivolous spender in the past so I don't miss his income since I no longer have his expenses.