Looking over the cliff after 15 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Looking over the cliff after 15 years
3
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 11:25pm

My situation is so confusing and just plain crazy to me.

My husband and I have known eachother since we were 17 years old. He went off to the Navy after high school and I went to college. We had a long distance relationship for 3-4 years and were shortly married after he left the service. We, of course, started off in love. As the years went on, we had two amazing kids, moved 5 times in 10 years and constant turnover of boats, trucks and cars. It drove me nuts. I'm a stability freak. I don't like change at all and he does. He's always looking for something different and I feel I'm the next turnover object. He gets bored easily. He doesn't seem to like just relaxing and sitting back and getting comfortable with anything. He's always got the wheels turning in his head. It has caused huge problems in our marriage. We became so different. We grew apart. He took up watersports and started hanging out with a younger circle of friends. I felt more and more alone. Just not included. I felt old around these people. It just wasn't my thing. I became resentful. Anyway, over the course of six months, he asked for a divorce, said he didn't love me anymore. Then, when the draft copies of the divorce settlement came in the mail - he freaked out and asked for a reconciliation. I accepted because I wanted to keep my family together. He said he loved me and that we had a good chance of not making mistakes like before. I believed him. Anyway, it only lasted three weeks - he says he doesn't love me again. I'm like a ping-pong ball. I love you - I don't love you - I can't take it anymore. I had a decision to make and that was to call my lawyer and get this over. He plays with my feelings and I need to preserve myself. I took control and I'm scared. We've tried counseling. Lots of counseling. Just want the peace of mind that I'm doing the right thing. That I need to step away from this. Is he going through some mid-life thing? I just don't want be emotionally abused anymore. I need to think about me and the kids for a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:48am

I swear I feel like I"m on a roller coaster these days. The process of ending a marriage is very up and down. A short reconcilliation doesn't help that.

Hang on. It's going to get worse. At least that's what they tell me. It's been almost two months since my stbx told me he wanted to move out. I'm the one who filed. So I'm not too far in front of you.

My marriage ended after 28 years BTW. He says I made him miserable all 28 years. The man is a saint for putting up with me for that long, lol.

Welcome. You'll find lots of support and advice here. I haven't been here long but it's helped me a lot.

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Edited 5/23/2007 5:49 am ET by gr8fulmom1
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 6:51am

Now, see, yours a situation where I bet it will be better for the children for you and your h to be divorced. Life is too chaotic ... is he available to the children? Is he a good father, active and involved or totally into himself?

And you have had lots of counseling, you say -- sounds like you have both worked at it.

Here's what I would do ... write down all the pros and cons of divorce for you and write down all the pros and cons for the children (how old are they, btw) and see what you come up with.

Let us know.

I am in a situation where I believe my stbx's selfishness and possible mental illness are the root causes of his desire to leave. He is putting himself ahead of his children's wellbeing. He claims to have tried (we have been to counseling), but he never put his expectations/needs on the line. Besides what he wants is ... not possible with young children ... hence, he's leaving -- he doesn't want the responsibility of being a husband, father and homeowner. So my children will suffer.

So for me, that is the million dollar question -- will your kids be better off with the divorce and will staying in the marriage destroy you or can you build your own independent life and find a measure of contentment while still being married.

GL and stay around; this board can be very helpful!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:16pm

I left my h of 32 years after he told me our marriage had been over for seven years, and that I just didn't want to admit it. That was 10 months ago. I was miserable to start with, but am coping better now. Thanks in part to this site. I am NOT alone, and neither are you. I don't have kids at home, so I had to look out for me. I was stressed to the point of physical illness from the criticism, mood swings, yelling, etc. gr8fulmom is right, do you want your kids to have stability? They obviously won't with him. He's kinda like my H, doesn't really want to grow up or grow older. It may seem like a sacrifice now, but eventually your kids will be grateful.

Hang in there, keep coming back to iVillage, and pray a lot.

Hugs 2 u