Looking for some advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2006
Looking for some advice...
1
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:53pm

Hi there,
I've been reading several messages on the board and everone seems to have great advice, thus my looking for some answers or possible advice on my situation. I have been married for 5 years and we have a new daughter who's 4 months old. I have two older children from a previous marriage (ended because of severe abuse) that are 13 and 10. Our baby was a complete surprise to us, but as we adjusted to the news we welcomed her into our lives. The problem for me was that I already did the SAHM thing with my older two and once they were both in school I went back to college, got my degree and was on my way with a wonderful job that I loved. With the news of our daughter, we decided that I would again be a SAHM. I fell in love with her immediately and love spending my days (and nights) loving and caring for her.

Now here comes the problem. When we first met 6 years ago, my husband and I had a great relationship. I was still in counseling from my first marriage and he was patient and supportive while I worked on my self-esteem issues and learned that I could be the woman I wanted to despite what I've gone through. Life was cruising along fairly good, although I had noticed the over the years our sex life was decreasing little by little. We had numerous conversations about it and they always ended with the promise that he will make more of an effort with sex. (Specifically the problem was that he had little to no desire for sex and that I did). Well with the pregnancy last year my hormones were raging and I spent most of those 10 months begging and pleading for sex. After the baby was born, I got my tubes tied to ensure we wouldn't have another suprise and asked if he was ready. He wasn't. For the entire year of 2005 I can count on two hands the times we had sex, the last time being in early August of 2005.

I am so torn about this. He's hardly ever away from home, except to work (and we actually worked at the same small company until I resigned) so I can't imagine that he's carrying on an affair with another woman. I've begged him to go speak with his doctor to see if something is wrong because I beleive this incredibly low sex drive is unnormal. He gets upset and defensive when it's mentioned so I've stopped. I've brought up counseling and he wants no part of that either. It's not that he isn't affectionate, because daily he gives me a kiss and tells me that he loves me dearly. At night he holds me and he is always complimentary of how I look. It's just the empty promise of all of this affection that I'm struggling with.

My older children aren't allowed to have contact with their birth father and my husband is their only "Dad". They love him dearly, as he does to them. And he's a good father to our daughter. The last thing I want to do is tear this family apart and try to juggle my older kids, a new baby and work full time for half of what I was making before. I'm just so frustrated because I'm dealing with so many emotions and this relationship isn't helping much at all. I'm mourning the loss of my job, the loss of a lot of friends that I made there because despite the promises to stay in touch, they are busy as I am and it just isn't the same interaction, and I'm dealing with the fact that I had promised myself that I would never be allow myself to be in the shoes I was in before and become dependent on a man for support. It took me a long time to dig myself out of that hole. Now I've given up a great job, with great pay, I'm still adjusting to staying at home full time and I'm desperatly needing to feel loved and connected to someone. I love being a SAHM but I've now realized that in order to have that, I have to live in a marriage void of affection. God knows I don't want to get divorced again, but at what point to I get to have my needs met too?

Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 4:40pm

Hi there...... Well, first of all, maybe you should be a SAHM for a shorter period of time.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~