Looking for some 'Been there done that..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Looking for some 'Been there done that..
6
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:35pm

I have mainly lurked aside from one or two postings. My Dh decided to move out a couple of weeks ago - only to change his mind a couple of days later agreeing with me that for the sake of our young daughters (2 & 4) to try and hang on until after the holidays. While he is the one choosing to end things after 10 yrs together (nearly 8 married) - I felt a huge sense of relief when he left for those two days. Despite him telling the counsellor at the one session that we attended that he wanted to work on things (he told his dad the same thing) - his actions tell a completely different story - he is putting zero effort into making things work where as I have made an effort which he has acknowledged. I think my relief has come from the fact that he has put me down, insulted me, shown no support, actually spit on me (twice) when I was pregnant, threw a drink at me, and the list goes on. I have been the major wage earner for our entire marriage up until this year when his income overtook mine - so financially we are both fine. I think I am ready to move on with my life but I feel so awful for our daughters. Especially the 4yr old as she is totally engrossed with everything 'princess' right now including the whole prince charming thing. I know she will be shattered once everything unfolds. I anticipate that we will be able to do this very amicably - he has told me he hopes this is the case, that he loves me and respects me and thinks I am the best mother in the world - (I don't think you spit on someone that you love or respect - But hey! That's just me!).

The funny thing is - I am pretty sure it is inevitable that we are going to split judging from his behaviour - that is clearly where we are headed. He can't seem to make small talk with me - I try and just get one word answers (we both agreed to try and just relax around one another for the sake of the girls). While I originally felt peace/relief - recently I have started to feel like I miss him. My counsellor asked me if I was missing the insults, the put downs etc - and of course I am not. I think that in my mind - if he could just put a little effort into the relationship and show me he actually does care about me - then we might have a chance to put things back together. He believes that you shouldn't have to try - which is likely why I have been carrying the family on my back for years I guess. Why do I miss him? While I know he loves the kids and would be classified as a good dad - he has been a rotten husband - very selfish, self centred etc. I am assuming this is anormal feeling for a lot of people.... just looking for some been there done that advice....

Thanks,
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 12:18am

Well you might miss him because he's familiar (rotten dude and all) or you might be starting to grieve the end of the fantasy that it would be good again.


He really sounds horrible and it will be for the best that you break up...for your best and for the girls...the way they see their mother treated is how they will expect to be treated by men, and WILL be treated by men.


You can have all the feelings in the world, and YOU WILL, but don't act on them.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I really do feel for you.

Since you are a mom and looking out for your children, of course you want things to work out. And you will have feelings for him for a while, even though he wasn't kind to you. I know both of those issues, I have been there myself. But like my sisters and parents told me; you do not want your children growing up and thinking that is how women should be treated. Remembering that will make the split easier on you.

We should be treated with respect; we deserve husbands that are kind and caring all of the time, not just when they want to be. Your children need to know that you have self-respect and that it is not ok to put up with treatment like that. Would you want your daughters to have husbands like that? No, of course you don't. Even if your husband is the best dad in the world, they will never forget how he treated their mother.

I found divorce to be so liberating. I felt better and had more emotional energy to invest in motherhood once I wasn't trying to patch a crumbling relationship. Sometimes its just best to cut your loses before things get ugly. I know you worry about the kids, but really, if you both try to be as amicable as possible then there is no reason why it can't be a postive experience. My son was almost three when we got divorced. And of course they miss having their dads there all of the time. But as long as they get plenty of love and attention from you and he is good about visitation, they should bounce back.
My son has adjusted awesomely, and I am so proud. He knows that I am there for him a 100% and that seems to be enough.

Good luck to you and your girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003

Hello Rose,
break up and divorce is a time of mixed feelings - that is what makes it so hard. We are all constantly second-guessing ourselves, and investigating deep down if we are doing the right thing, the best thing, self-doubting every step of the process and wondering if things could/should be saved.

It is also a time of mourning for the life we thought we would have together - you know, those silly thoughts that we had when dating - growing gracefully old together, having fun, sharing silly jokes, holding hands, trusting each other, having support and someone caring for us. In our fantasy, it was there. In our imagination, that could have been, and perhaps could still be there... but the problem is that it never was there in reality, not in the past, not in the present, not in the future. Perhaps the husband will find in himself to be like that in the future with someone else (and gosh, that hurts! not because of jealousy, but because of all that has been spoiled in the process, our dreams and lives), perhaps he is just unable to feel like that - but that is not important.

What is important, is to look at yourself, and know that you are doing the right thing for yourself, and ultimately for your children. How can your girls learn to self respect themselves, if they don't see it in their role model (namely, you)?? how can they learn to look for happiness, and not to let others put them down, if you don't stand up for yourself?

Oedip complex (the classical prince charming trip that all little girls go throught) will pass. Make sure your little girls keep a healthy relationship with they dad, that they see him regularly and have time with him. They'll redirect their jealousy to any GF he may hook up with, and you'll laugh...

Keep your chin up! Violaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thanks for your reply Violiane. Deep down I know that you are right. I think that I have done a fairly good job of covering up when my DH has treated me badly so I doubt that my girls will have memories to that effect. I have tried not to react when he insults me (the insults and put downs are not things that the girls can likely interpret at their age) I do know that I am a better mother when he is not around. There is no tension, I feel more free - like a huge load has been lifted off of my shoulders (actually a 260 lb load to be exact!). I know it will be a long road to getting to the point where we are able to sell our home and create two new ones but if I could snap my fingers and jump right in - that's what I would do. We are in a holding pattern until the holidays are over and things are starting to get a little tense - he clearly wants out and is having a difficult time holding his tongue. Divorce and separation is just ugly - in all honesty, unless there really is a such thing as Prince Charming I do not think I will ever get married again. I feel so taken advantage of and taken for granted. I cannot wait to be on my own - to know that I am in full control and I will never be let down by him again!
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:05am
Thanks for your reply - I was surprised at just how relieved I felt when he left for those two days. I mean - I did have a good cry when he left - but that was the turning point for me. I was really hurt that to think that somehow the girls and I just aren't worth an effort to him. That just hurts, it's insulting and humiliating. But once I knew that that was his decision - I did sort of feel like "good riddens to bad rubbish". I know he is looking forward to sewing his wild oats - he is attractive and successfull so I know there will be lots of keen potential partners for him. Bottom line - he really doesn't have much to offer a relationship simply due to the fact that he won't put an effort in (I am his second wife). Maybe there will be a partner that is "worth it" to him - I have to prepare myself for that eventuality but I suspect that he can maintain a good relationship for a couple of years and then he will be "bored" again. I promise myself that I won't make that mistake twice! IF I decide to marry again (that is highly unlikely given the way I feel right now!)- that person is going to have to prove in spades that they are a worthy partner!
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:43am
Thanks Susan - When DH and I met it turned out that we had a lot of common friends and yet somehow we never met until our late 20's. I used to joke that I NEVER would have dated him in highschool and its true - he was a jock with a temper and I probably wouldn't have given him the time of day. I will never regret that we married as of course I wouldn't have had our beautiful daughters. So no regrets there. I would like to keep the family intact for their sake but I know that - while ours isn't the most broken home out there, it also isn't a whole lot of fun. I want that to change. I do not have any family - which is scarey in a situation like this, but my friends have rallied around me. I know I will be ok - maybe even fantastic. I just want to be able to assure my daughters when they are older that we tried to keep things together but finally realized that we weren't doing anyone any favours. I do not want to have any regrets - I want to make sure there aren't any "if only's....". DH was an ass last night - one more insult to add to the pile. This time in front of his father. My father in law knows that we have been having issues and he called me to let me know that he is there for me and thinks the world of me. That was sooo sweet. We just need to get through the holidays. Its hard to believe that this is by far my most favourite time of year! At least I can go into the New Year knowing that next year WILL be different. Onwards and upwards.
Rosecolouredspecs