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| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 6:56pm |
Hi everyone. I have been visiting these boards frequently and reading has given me much comfort. I am not happy about the fact that we all have to go through what we're going through, but glad that there are people who understand.
About me...I am 32 years old with no children. I finally filed for divorce after nearly 4 years of heartache. When I first met my STBX, he was charming, caring, devoted, had a great job. I thought I had struck gold. He was wonderful. So when the red flags started popping up during the relationship, I ignored them. We married. I entered into it forever For him, it must have been some kind of a joke, a cruel game he was playing without me knowing.
His job and kids kept him away from me for much of our marriage. Then he decided to start his own business so we were apart even more. The little time we did spend together was slathered with all of my resentment of him being gone all the time. But I believed in for better or worse...
Things didn't work out with his business and he lost everything. He became resentful of ME when I begged him to just come back home, start all over and leave the mess behind him. He wouldn't do it and I decided then that I needed to divorce him. Yet, he wouldn't have it.
Nearly a year later he begged to come home, and despite my better judgement, I decided to let him. I felt I needed to really make sure that our marriage was not salvageable. The first couple of weeks were great. I saw a changed man, but soon, the same old patterns started appearing and before I knew it, he was gone again. Desperately searching for answers, I figured out his email password and discovered email from another woman. It was something I always felt was possible, but didn't want to believe.
I called the woman and she claims to have been living with him for about a year and a half, and she met him right after he had broken up with another woman. All during our marriage. All of his business trips and visits to his kids were just a cover up. Everything I thought I knew was a lie.
To make matters worse, I cannot get the divorce papers served to him because he is hiding from the law. Turns out he has been arrested and is out on bond. I have no idea who this man is or how many lies he has told. I question my judgement, my choices, how could I have been so fooled?
Mostly, I am anxious to get this divorce over with because I want no part of him in my life at all and am so grateful that we never had children. His other woman knows all of this about him and still lets him live with her and her kids. That just makes me sick. He doesn't deserve to be loved. I loved him so much and stood by him and would have done anything for him, and yet, it wasn't good enough somehow.
I know this is terribly long, but I wanted to share my story with anyone who would read it and offer my support and an ear to anyone who needs it. Sometimes just venting and letting it all out helps. I am encouraged by those of you who have come through a divorce better and stronger and greatly empathize with those who are hurting and struggling. I am grateful for the support offered here. God bless all of you.
Lisa

Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I think your best bet would be to contact an attorney. You have to know your rights and the only way to get him out of your life is to try to do this without his cooperation. It might be possible to not "need" him since you do not have children.....
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
If you need us, we are here. Good luck to you and many hugs!
Angelena
Hi again,
Thank you all for your responses. I am beginning to think that seeing a lawyer is what I have to do now. I was trying to avoid it since I really cannot afford it, but doing it on my own is proving to be more difficult than I thought. And now with his legal troubles, I sure don't want to be involved in any way.
I do have a very supportive family and circle of friends, but I sometimes think that they get tired of hearing about it or else they are not quite sure what to say to me, so I just try to be strong and pretend that I'm dealing with everything just fine. But the truth is that right now it is cosumming me. I desperately want it over and it gets to the point of making me sick.
So, I guess I will find an attorney this week so that I can move forward with this and quit feeling so helpless. Thank you all for your advice. I hope everyone is doing well.
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
What an awful situation. I hope you know that you did not do anything for this to happen to you. He sounds like a terrible person. Hang in there!
Melanie
This is a great place to come, Lisa. My closest family is about 5 hours away. I do have some good friends nearby (I didn't know how good until this mess started). But everyone has family and I don't like dumping everything on them either. And they don't understand. The people on this board are wonderful. Come visit us. Good luck. I'm sending warm thoughts and wishes your way.
Ruth
Thank you all so much...just knowing that there is a place I can come to when I need to let it out is a great comfort. I really appreciate the comment about me not having done anything wrong. I struggle with this one because I can't understand how I let myself fall into such a mess and be such a poor judge of character. But I am trying hard not to dwell on all the whys and just accept what is and do what I need to do to get out.
Thank you all so very much.
Hi Lisa! Every one of us struggles/struggled with the same feelings and emotions. You are definitely NOT alone. Just one more thing...you didn't "let" this happen...you said that he was charming, funny, had a good job. I'm willing to bet that he promised you the world and you were drawn in, just like the rest of us. You didn't see the red flags because he wouldn't let you. See how that works?
You will be OK someday and will look back on this as just a very bad experience. Take comfort in knowing that HE did this to himself and you had nothing to do with it...It does get easier!
Huge Hugs to ya and good luck with the atty. this week!