Losing Friends??
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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:48pm |
I know there must be others out there like me right now.
I feel like I am losing alot of my friends....well, couple friends. Especially one in particular, our best friends for over 20 years. He is my soon-to-be ex's best friend and she is mine. We did everything together...vacations, parties, dinners, birthdays, etc. We were very close.
When the whole divoce process started, both of them were here for me. But as time goes on, I can tell that our friendship is just about over. They say they will call and we will get together, but they never do. However, I know that they are going out and golfing with my soon-to-be ex and his new woman. That completely destroyed me and I called them on it. The wife never says much. She does as her husband does. She never calls herself...
The husband e-mailed me back and forth saying over and over that he will not choose sides and we both are still their friends. He kept reassuring me. But I know he personally sees my ex several times a week, especially to golf. And now they are starting to do couple things.
It just seems that this other woman just stepped in and took over my life. And my friendships. And they just accept her. I feel like....out with the old and in with the new. I'm still waiting for that phone call from either one of them. I guess I won't hold my breath.
How do you deal with this new kind of betrayal? I was betrayed by my ex and now I feel I am being betrayed all over again!! And what should I do? It really hurts!!

These men never understood what it means to love a woman and enter into marriage.
The only thing I can say is, keep your chin up and post here, find someone you can vent to (therapist, mother, friend), it helps.
I makes me feel like so many women are thought of as the property of the guy, and alot of us (not all, some divorces aren't as bad) wind up "replaced"- actually discarded.
Sorry, I'm having a bad day myself. <<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>
Up till now, your friendship with them has been of a particular stripe. Two couples getting together? If you really want the friendship to continue, then I would encourage you to put some more effort into finding a new way that the relationship can work.
Do you have any interest in just seeing the wife now and again? Cause you could try asking her out for something small and brief and non-scary. Coffee maybe. Then do some catching up, and try to stay away from the subject of the Ex or the divorce. Discussing that may make her uncomfortable.
If your enjoyment of their company is best when they are together, then maybe you should find another friend (a nice female co-worker maybe?) to join you and this couple out doing something together. You can all get to know the new person, it will still have the balance of a foursome, which is what you were all accoustomed to. A fourth person adds some innocence to the whole thing, you are not trying to steal the husband OR influence the wife to crave a divorce of her own... (You do realize that sometimes both husbands and wives may see a divorced woman as a threat to their own marriage.)
It is important that you use your knowlege of your friends to find something that they will really enjoy doing. Invite them for that, whatever it is. If you think they are worth it.
Thanks!
I do feel "replaced", especially today.
I called my couple friend's house and their son answered. They weren't home. They were out with my ex and his girlfriend golfing. I don't think I can remember an afternoon that the wife took off work to go golfing with me???
And I thought she was my friend? I guess she just goes with the flow and follows her husband's lead.
Hurt.......and betrayed........once again!!
I am so sorry. People around divorce are pretty co-dependent I find. They pretend it hasn't happened and that no one has done anything wrong and treat the wrong-doer (if there is one) as if he hasn't done anything wrong. They don't know how else to cope without getting confrontational and they don't want that because "it isn't their problem" iykwim.
As for your current situation. I would spit in their general direction (symbolically) and lick your wounds; once healed enough to walk away, that is what I would do, walk away and look for new friends.
Yes, betrayed again, it is true, but nothing you can do about it except take care of yourself and make new friends who know your new status. That's what I am hoping for.
Oops, gotta go; my dd needs her hair done :-).
M
yep
btdt. it hurts nonetheless. i have found, however, that my true friends have stuck beside me. everything else is just fluff.
good luck. you will do fine without the fluff.
what
Suzie,
My own experience with divorce taught me you
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
It seems lilke there is the child custody issue and the friends' custody issue in so many divorces. Too bad the friends' custody isn't worked out more clearly. It can be so painful. Most people have the best of intentions of not choosing sides but for some they can't help it.
I agree with the other posters. What you need to do is worry about yourself and build your support network which might not include this couple as painful as that is.
My heart goes out to you.
I work at the same place my ex and his gf work. The one he left his family for.
Luckily I got all the good people on my side forever (they don't care, they're loners anyway), and you know, even that doesn't stop the hurt.
Friends taking your side makes you feel smug a little, that others recognize how wrong he was to leave without trying, after 22 years, but it doesn't take any of the pain of him leaving away.
My pain has been losing my ex's family. They were my family, now me and my kids are estranged. He's taking the gf to the house he grew up in, we lived in, got married in, etc etc this summer and didn't invite the kids or even tell them he was going.
Divorce is so painful, I tried to contest but it was no use. He didn't mean it when he said "till death do us part". I did.
Believe this- that your friend's wife will never accept and approve of the new RL because as a wife she knows (believe me) that being replaced is not something she wants her own husband to consider. No woman likes to see another woman left and replaced. They (your friends) may make snarky comments about the new girl after they go out, believe me.
I learned that character always shows itself and if you can (hard/impossible as it can be) be really cool and rise above it, while just revealing your quiet contempt (as in, I'd rather not talk about them)- after a while he'll look like any other jerk who runs out on his family.