At a loss for words

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
At a loss for words
3
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 7:31pm

I am at a loss for words. I have been going through a divorce for over a year. I asked him to leave the house after too many years of doing everything myself. I was tired of him living a double life and everyone thinking he is such a great guy. He controlled everything i did. if i went to starbucks and took too long he would call, yell and hang up. I ran home everytime not thinking that he was projecting his infidelities on me.

He drove around in the lexus eating lunch out everyday, drinking after work, while I drove the 5year old and newborn around, doctors appts, groceries, cleaning, working, catering to my husband hoping he would come around.

Our age difference caused a lot of tension within him and the fact that I didn't ever go out drinking or and never left the kids with him, because he would just guilt trip me or start a fight so he could be selfish.

Barely ever making dinner, doing laundry, dishes, baths for the kid, you know the daily grind, he was absent. Just sitting in his chair, secretly having a relationship with a girl at work, Well. I said, divorce or therapy, He laughed in my face.

I set my boundary and a week later, he threw my purse and broke the phone and over disciplined our son and I called the police and he left.

He had slept with over seven women at his work including me (we used to work together before the second baby) and well,

he got tested and was clean, we started dating.. DUMB IDEA.

It was like he had his cake and ate it too. He lives down the road in a house with a roommate, he would come over whenever he felt like it and help or just sit on the chair.. it was reminiscint of horrible times. He was never concerned about what needed to be done or what the kids needed....

Only taking the kids when his sister recently moved to town(because she would do all the work) and he wouldn't even take the kids for more than a few hours at a time.

Well,

I decided to accept the terms of the divorce that I filed back in December. I am at a loss, because I am so angry and can't seem to let go of that anger. It is choking me and I can't see through it at times... Sometimes I am fine. I see things for what they are.... A FAILED MARRIAGE and a weak man and overly generous and trusting woman.

I have put my foot down, there is no more booty. no more coming and going and he gets so cruel and lashes out at me every chance he gets.

So I won't interact with him. I am not even able to look at him.. He disgusts me.. and yet I feel so lost, so vulnerable, betrayed, bitter...

I have all the responsibility of the house, kids, finances and am stuck emotionally at times...

My house looks great, organized, the kids are happy. BUT I AM MISERABLE AND CANT SEEM TO FIND MY WAY.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 11:38pm
Have you tried counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 1:52am

You've done everything correctly -- leaving him, taking care of yourself, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 7:44am

Divashiva,


I know how you feel.