Lost and scared!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Lost and scared!!!!
4
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:01pm

I am new here, so please forgive any mistakes.
I just recently became separated from my husband of 15 years, and I feel really scared and very lost.
I am lucker than most people I have family and friends that loves me and will help me and I do not have any children, but I don't feel very lucky.
My story is a little long, but here is goes. I have a problem that causes me to have a great deal of pain while having intercourse so he had an affair, and I have had a lot of trouble getting over it, but I have been trying really hard. I know I am not perfect by no means, but I can't understand how we got to this point. He tells me that he just cannot live the way we are anymore. We are opposites in a lot of ways, but we do have some things in common to, we where friends before we where married, and I was 26 and a virgin when I married and I did not realize just how much I did not really understand about life until I got married. I plan to marry only 1 time in my life and I went with him for 6 years before I married him, and I still knew deep down that he was not ready but he gave me a choice of marriage or he was breaking up with me, so I took the plunge.
So here I am alone 15 years later, feeling as though I am falling apart.

The day I found out about his affair I also found out about a child he had when he was 18 years old and had given up for adoption, I could deal with that except when I asked him why he did not keep it, he said because he did not want the responsiblilty and just want a way out. I was kind of shocked and it made me feel that if he felt that way about a child of his how does he really feel about me. I am trying not to be judgemental but it really bothered me. Then I promised not to tell his parents about this child and they have always been upset that I did not have any children, so every once in a while the subject would come up, and they would kind make me feel bad, and I had to set there knowing he had one already but was not sharing that info with them.

While I am at work I can handle it ok, but when I come how and am alone even though I have 2 dogs and several cats, I end up crying most of the night and feeling really sick.
Sometimes I will be stupid and try and call him, and I have made a fool of myseld more than once. I went from my parents home to living with my husband and I have never lived on my own and I am not sure if I can deal with it. I can handle the Finance part, its the being alone I am not sure about.

I just need to know if the hurt that feels like someone is tearing out your heart ever goes away, and the fear and loneliness of living on your on for the first time gets any better.

Thanks so much for letting me talk and advice is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:18pm

I know how you feel I have only lived with my parents and him so the lonley part is so hard. I love my stbx so much but he does not want to be married anymore. He wants to find himself. That would be great if it was just him that he was hurting. I have 3 little ones and have been a SAHM but I am going to have to go back to work. I think he had an affair but he will never admit it. I hope that everything goes ok for you, I know you can get it together.
As for the child my STBX's high school girlfriend had an abortion when they were 18. It is so hard for me to believe that the person that I love could do that. Especially now that we have 3 but people do stupid things when they are young. I just know that people change and some people dont believe that what happened in the past is relevant.
I hope that my rambling helps. I have only been seperated this time for 2 weeks so the pain is really fresh to me but venting on this board has really helped. My husband has left me 3 other times( once when I was pregnant with baby 3) so this time as bad as it hurts it is not near as bad.

Good luck with everything

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:20pm

{{{HUGS}}}

I am so sorry for your hard times. You know, I had long ago stopped loving my stbx, so mostly what I feel is anger and resentment, fear around finances and terrible pain for my dear young children.

I think, to add heartbreak to that equation, would be too much for me. So, I am so so sorry to know you are suffering such hurt.

Have you and your h gone to marriage counseling? I think that would be helpful even if you ultimately decided on divorce. An individual counselor could help you through your grief and, yes, anger and fear of loneliness. It doesn't get resolved overnight, but it is a process and there can be a new day.

My heart goes out to you.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:00pm
I am truly sorry for your pain and hurt. I know this must be a very hard and difficult time for you. I extend my sympathy and regard to you... Seeing a therapist might help... I do a bit of therapy and counseling so there is a good book that I can recommend to you called "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. I am not guaranteeing this has all the answers but it might help you in your situation. Also, give yourself time to think and process your thoughts and feelings. You sound extremely hurt and in alot of pain by his betrayal, deception, and lies which is very understandable. Maybe it would help alot if you wrote in a journal to help you process your thoughts and feelings this would help as a coping technique. A few other recommendations is maybe counseling for you. I know your saying its your marriage that needs help but if he refuses to go or if he doesn't want to be there. Sometimes if one person is recieving counseling thats all the change that is needed. B/C if one person changes than the other person changes as well to accomodate the other person. Try to talk to your husband but before you do coach yourself on what to say and he will react and try to find responses to his reaction. I am so sorry for your pain and hurt but try to establish what is that you want out of the marriage and if you want to resolve the marriage, you will have to put in extra effort and work. Marriage can only work if both parties are willing to work and if one party fails at that than the other party should help them to work at it. Its not going to be easy and its going to be alot of work and you might see changes very slowly. Don't feel despaired or hopeless try to figure out a solution and try not to dwell on the failures of the marriage. Bc from what I am hearing from what you said. You are hurt and keep dwelling on the pain and betrayal your husband caused you. You are probably sending your husband indirect negative messages that he is picking up and maybe doesn't want to deal with and thats why maybe he told you he can't live like this. I am assuming because I do not know you or your husband so it is very hard to give therapeutic advice over the net. I am hypothetically speaking. I am sorry for the long advice and I wish you the best and hope all goes well..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 6:32pm
Hey Mary,
Thanks for your kind words, you sound like a very strong women, I think you will do great on your own and with your kids. I am feeling alot better today, and it helped a whole lot to find this board and know I am not alone. I hope eveything works out for you and your children.
Thanks again
Sharon