lost, deeply hurt and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
lost, deeply hurt and confused
3
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 12:41am

I really don't know why i am posting this, but i thought if i did i might get some help. I have been married for over a year and a half and have been with my husband for over 4 years. Throughout our relationship we were constantly fighting and not getting along. I wanted more from our relationship and felt that he wasn't giving me what I wanted which was more affection, communication and love. I have to admit I came into the relationship with somewhat of a low self esteem and very high expectations. I was probably the one who always initiated fights and pushed him away. He did do things to hurt me as well. We had great times too. I don't know what it is exactly that caused me to want to end our relationship but at one point it pretty much was over. At that time I found out I was pregnant. We got back together had a beautiful son and got married shortly after his birth. We were still fighting but I believe not as much. We ended up going to therapy together even though he claimed he was happy. I knew that I had to let go of the past and get over things but I had a hard time doing it. I was still pushing him away and telling him that we weren't compatible. I would tell him to leave and was constantly asking for a divorce. And each time I did he wouldn't go. In my mind I REALLY DIDN'T WANT him to go. I would just get so frustrated that I would try and talk to him about how I felt and what I wanted and he wouldn't make an effort to listen and try. He would say that he was but I didn't see it. I would say that our fighting wasn't as constant as before but I was still unhappy. I was unhappy with how things were, not about him. Maybe I didn't clarify that to him, I don't know, but now this is what is going on...

We were living at my parents house after I lost my job. And money was and is still tight. We were somewhat getting along but there was still tension. I had applied for a job with an airline as a flight attendant and was looking forward to working and helping out with the bills. I was very stressed out and took it out on my husband. I knew that our marriage was falling apart and I was afraid of how it would be if I got hired with the airline. I started pushing my husband away even more and started asking him to leave. I told him I wanted a divorce even though in my mind I didn't. Finally, he left. At first I thought we would get over it. But then he said HE wanted a divorce. He said he wasn't IN LOVE with me anymore. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was so angry with me, he didn't want to talk to me. The only talking we did was when we were arranging for our son to go with him or come back home to me. I wanted to talk about what was going on and I wanted him to know that I didn't want our marriage to end. So a week passed and I found out I got hired for flight attendant training and was to leave within a week for about a month. I decided not to pass the job offer up and made plans to leave. I left and have been miserable since. He is taking care of our son and seems to be very happy about all that is going on. I have tried over and over again to apologize for my mistakes, my faults and for saying that I wanted a divorce when I really didn't. He has made it clear to me that this is what he wants and that he is not going to change his mind. I am away at training right now and it is extremely difficult for me to decide what to do. I want so desperately for him to say come home and lets work it out. I know he won't and its getting close for me to end training. I found out that I was going to be based in New York which is so so far away from home (west Texas). I miss my son so much. I want to be with him and my husband together as a family. I feel lost and confused about what I am doing. I feel that I should be at home taking care of my son and getting all the emotional support I can from my parents. I feel like being here is wrong.

I don't even know what I am thinking anymore. I love my husband so much. And I was unfair to him many times. I want to start over with him. I don't want our son to have a broken family. There is nothing I can do to try and change his mind. And why should I try to convince him to stay? I know that this is the end, I'm just very sad.

I guess I posted this because I don't know what to do. I feel like quitting training and going home. But I know if I do, I'll probably get even more depressed being close to my husband but still be so far from him. I want to be with my son. I don't really want to be flying all over the country missing my family especially during this time.

I just need to vent. I've been crying everyday since I have been here in training. I have gone out a few times, but it doesn't do much for me. I hang out with a bunch of gay guys who tell me not to think about it and to stick with the job. But I can't concentrate and stay focused. I have come a long way in training and its almost over yet I'm just unsure about what I want with regards to work. I can quit and be home with my son and try to get thru this or I can work and be numb, miss my son and husband and feel like I made a huge mistake again.

I love my husband. I love everything about him. He's smart, funny, dedicated, handsome...
I don't know why I couldn't have just been happy. I pushed him away. And I'm not saying its all me...he has some of the blame too, but I don't want to talk about that anymore.

He would think I was stupid if he knew I posted this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 3:47am

Vicki,


Do you know why your pushed your husband away? The answer to that question will give you valuable insights as to why you repeatedly told your husband you wanted to end your marriage, and why you now regret that.


I suggest you seek individual counseling to determine why it is you pushed him away so consistently. The information you gather may help you come to terms with your current situation. You might also benefit from marriage counseling together if only to determine what you both did to bring your relationship to this point.


As for being away right now, it may be a blessing in disguise. It's give you both breathing room and perspective on your relationship. Tap your trainer and ask if you are entitled to any benefits regarding counseling or other assistance. Perhaps your new job will be a way to help yourself and your marriage.


In the meantime, if you're more than half way through the training, I'd stay. You will need a job to support yourself and it will give you a sense of independence and self-confidence you lack.


Good luck and keep us posted.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020T>

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 5:29am
I don't have advice I just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are going through this. is there any way you can say that you have to be based in texas to continue working with this company? they now have invested money in you and have an interest in seeing you stay on with the job. I think you are right though, it would be awful to be away from your child in such a confusing hurtful time...I know what it is like to not always know what you want and to say things you don't mean in a relationship. I hope it all works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 2:13am

I can't give you advise but I can say I know how you feel.. Im in a similar situation with starting a new career.

For The Rest Of My Life, I Promise To Love Me First Genuinely!!