Lost My Peace of Mind
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| Fri, 08-05-2005 - 3:28pm |
It took me a really long time to decide to file for child support, but I finally went and did it last Monday. An attorney advised me that if I file for support separately, I won't have to deal with it during a divorce proceeding. My STBX and I have been separated for two years now, and I've basically been struggling with what he "felt" that he could pay me. Well, I filed while STBX was out of town visiting his parents. He has been verbally abusive with me in the past, so when he called for the kids I told him about the filing so he wouldn't be surprised when he got back. We strangly enough had a very good conversation about what went wrong in the marriage and I felt like he finally was listening to me. When he came by to pick the kids up on Sunday, he suggested that we take them sneaker shopping and catch an afternoon movie. I shouldn't have gone, but he asked in front of the kids and their eyes just lit up when they asked me if I was going with them. I do not want to rekindle a relationship with STBX, but we did have a nice time as a family, and two hours later I went about my merry way.
Yesterday, when I drop the kids at STBX's house, he gives me the support payment for August and asks me if I am filing now to make a divorce filing easier. I told him that was the reason before, but when I started to talk about it, he got a nasty attitude with me. As usual, he tried to place blame on me for everything that ever went wrong in the marriage. He even got mad at my mom who had nothing to do with it, and had the nerve to get even angrier because I wasn't responding to his tirade. As he went to walk away, I asked him where my 6-year-old would go today because he didn't have camp or an alternate childcare arrangement. STBX just totally ignored me and walked away. This morning he calls and tells me that the kids will go to work with him, but he was still very rude and hung up on me when I tried to confirm his extra day with them for Saturday. This afternoon as I was school shopping, I called to check on the kids and see what type of uniform shoes my son wanted. STBX answers the phone and tells me that they are all busy and can't speak. I asked him to check the shoe size for me since he just had him measured on Sunday, but he again was very rude and hung up the phone. An hour later my kids call me back, and of course I bought the wrong shoes. I know that I shouldn't let this bother me, I shouldn't even call him, but I am just so angry at STBX. All that I want to do is move on with my life. I mean, this is the man who cheated on me for three years and got caught three times, but still blames ME for the kids not having a nuclear family. I know that I should not discuss anything with him other than basic childcare issues, but his attitude is so inconsistent and I tend to get off my guard when he decides to act polite. My peace of mind is gone today, and I'm just worried that I'm not handling this whole separation/divorce thing properly.
Lisa

Lisa,
There are no rules to divorce. It doesn't come with directions. There are no: lose your turn and don't collect $200 cards. Your STBX sounds manipulative (asking infront of the kids) and possibly bi-polar (manic-depressive) nice one day and mean the next. Or he could just be an A$$. You know ex's seem to be that way. At least all of us at the board have that in common. From what it sounds like you are trying to end this in as civil a way as possible. You are doing a great job on the other hand your PIA I mean STBX isn't. Unfortunately the Treat others as you would want to be treated concept is being used by only one side of your divorce.
Sincerely,
Cheri
"his attitude is so inconsistent and I tend to get off my guard when he decides to act polite"
Yeah, he sounds pretty confused himself. Doesn't have the boundries of a man who knows that this relationship is over, and his relationship with you now is strictly as a co-parent. We all have to try things out, make our own mistakes. Learn as we go.
So, if you know you can get confused by his "nice" days, you've got to work all the harder on yourself. Maybe you would like to take a period of time (maybe a year? until you have both settled down into seperate lives) during which you will resolve to keep to a business-only attitude. Decline his movie invitations, put a polite end to non-parenting conversations. And I can see why you made that call about the shoes, but I'm sure you'll keep your calls to a bare-bones minimum now.
I am thinking about filling for CS, too. We've been seperate for some years, and every time he makes me an offer, he falls through on it. In our case, I really can afford DD better than he could. Still thinking about it.