lost my strength - oh there it is!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:43pm |
I have so much to do in the next few weeks. Moving, new school for the kids and potentially a new job. Today, it all hit me at once for some reason. I am excited by these changes and they are SO the right decisions.
But for the first time in 13 years, I'm making them on my own. And as much as I hate to admit it, it has been easier to be angry with my former husband for the decisions he has made that have so deeply impacted me and the kids. Now I am making big decisions and will have no one to blame if they go badly and in my dark moments, I worry that I am making the wrong choices.
So this afternoon I was really upset and overwhelmed. I was wondering if I really have what it takes to successfully make these changes work for all of us. A friend of mine was telling me how impressed she has been with what I've done over the past year in handling all this insanity and I wanted to say "I wish people would stop saying that! I don't feel strong or smart or like I'm doing a good job." When people say things like that it just feeds the pressure. I wish I could just accept their praise.
Then I took a few minutes to look back on what I have done. My former husband announces with no warning that he is leaving - he doesn't want to be married, isn't sure he wants to be a parent, has met another woman. So I am dealing not only with him leaving me but for months, he abandons his kids (emotionally and financially). But I held it together. I am building a life for all of us. I am setting an example as a strong parent but one who is also willing to ask for help when needed and to admit when she makes mistakes. Then he comes back and wants to be with his children and I help foster a reunion (they still have a shaky relationship with him). I have done a great job and am still doing one.
I remember just a few months ago when a funk like the one I had this afternoon would last for days. Today I was able to shake it in a few hours.
I guess I just needed a rant. Thank you ladies for all the help and support I always find here. It helps I have a place to come and vent where people will understand like no one else can what I'm going through.

Katy
Amen, sister!
Yep, folks mean well and mean what they say, but it doesn't really give us permission to collapse on their shoulder when we might really like to :-).
Yes, you ARE doing a miraculous job and yes, you have been through a unique kind of hell.
I am with you and it is very very hard. This is a really tough patch for me, right now.
I am excited for you and for the choices you are making and I believe they will pay off for you and your children. Every day one more small piece will fall into place. When we have been through this we make our choices very deliberately with usually positive results.
Go get 'em (and get your rest, too).
M
You are my hero...you have your heart in the right place, and you are making steady, good progress. You will be fine. I really hope your kids are not scarred by your ex's abandonment of his parental responsibilities, even if he only did so termporarily, but if they are, it won't be because you didn't do everything you could do to prevent it.
Bravo.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7