lost my strength - oh there it is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
lost my strength - oh there it is!
4
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:43pm

I have so much to do in the next few weeks. Moving, new school for the kids and potentially a new job. Today, it all hit me at once for some reason. I am excited by these changes and they are SO the right decisions.

But for the first time in 13 years, I'm making them on my own. And as much as I hate to admit it, it has been easier to be angry with my former husband for the decisions he has made that have so deeply impacted me and the kids. Now I am making big decisions and will have no one to blame if they go badly and in my dark moments, I worry that I am making the wrong choices.

So this afternoon I was really upset and overwhelmed. I was wondering if I really have what it takes to successfully make these changes work for all of us. A friend of mine was telling me how impressed she has been with what I've done over the past year in handling all this insanity and I wanted to say "I wish people would stop saying that! I don't feel strong or smart or like I'm doing a good job." When people say things like that it just feeds the pressure. I wish I could just accept their praise.

Then I took a few minutes to look back on what I have done. My former husband announces with no warning that he is leaving - he doesn't want to be married, isn't sure he wants to be a parent, has met another woman. So I am dealing not only with him leaving me but for months, he abandons his kids (emotionally and financially). But I held it together. I am building a life for all of us. I am setting an example as a strong parent but one who is also willing to ask for help when needed and to admit when she makes mistakes. Then he comes back and wants to be with his children and I help foster a reunion (they still have a shaky relationship with him). I have done a great job and am still doing one.

I remember just a few months ago when a funk like the one I had this afternoon would last for days. Today I was able to shake it in a few hours.

I guess I just needed a rant. Thank you ladies for all the help and support I always find here. It helps I have a place to come and vent where people will understand like no one else can what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 7:35am
Wow..you really are inspiring! Not to put any more pressure on you ;). But it must feel a little bit liberating, too, to make all of those decisions on your own. If they don't work out, it really isn't the end of the world. The worse case scenario is still usually liveable. And you'll get through all of these changes and you'll come out on the other side with complete satisfaction that you're living your life how you wanted to. That just sounds so cool to me...puts a new spin on being newly single for me. The best of luck to you!

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:16pm
I understand what you mean. I am also now alone to make decisions of my own after husband of 16 years decided to leave. He claimed he was no longer happy, I found out later he had met someone new. It can be at times stressful at times, he left me to raise 3 kids on my own. He was the bigger breadwinner, but I have to keep telling myself I will make it without him. Just now realizng this divorce was a blessing,after so much heartache this past year and half of the shock of him leaving. I am alot less stressful having to deal with a grumpy unhappy husband. Being single does have its advantages. I wish you the best to come, you deserve it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:37pm

Amen, sister!

Yep, folks mean well and mean what they say, but it doesn't really give us permission to collapse on their shoulder when we might really like to :-).

Yes, you ARE doing a miraculous job and yes, you have been through a unique kind of hell.

I am with you and it is very very hard. This is a really tough patch for me, right now.

I am excited for you and for the choices you are making and I believe they will pay off for you and your children. Every day one more small piece will fall into place. When we have been through this we make our choices very deliberately with usually positive results.

Go get 'em (and get your rest, too).

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:51pm
How does someone think they have the option of "not being a parent" after they have a family???!!?? What kind of a society do we have where people can think like that?
You are my hero...you have your heart in the right place, and you are making steady, good progress. You will be fine. I really hope your kids are not scarred by your ex's abandonment of his parental responsibilities, even if he only did so termporarily, but if they are, it won't be because you didn't do everything you could do to prevent it.
Bravo.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7