Lost perspective, how do i get it back
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| Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:05pm |
First off I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your input to my posts on Friday.
Angelena, and firstamendment, a special thanks to you.
I had a BAD WEEKEND! I am still letting my ex push my buttons and I thought I had it under control. Since the argument on Friday I've been a little shaken. I pulled myself together and went on about my business. All day Saturday was okay, no contact. Then he called that night saying he wanted to pick him up Sunday morning to go to church, knowing I take him to church. Complaining that I always have him etc. So I told him look you cancelled on him two days you did what u wanted to do with him on Friday, Im doing what I want on Sunday. We argued then I or he hung up. I waited an hour or so and said i would call him and be the bigger, mature person and try talking to him about compromising and doing what's best for the baby. He said he didnt have time to talk. Ridiculous!
Then sunday came and he called again saying he wanted to get him on Monday. I said how long are you gonna have him and he said for the day then said I probably didnt take him to church knowing he wanted to get him etc. And I said did you go, he said no he just lied about going, he just wanted to get him.
I felt an argument coming on so I tried to focus on him getting him and stick to particulars and he says I cant do this now Im with my girls (referring to the twins). Why is he doing this, Why does he want to aggravate me. It hurt so bad.
When he gets him for the day he always comes before I go to work so I dont have to take the $10 cab ride to my sister's. Then all of a sudden he says he will get him around 10am. Im like what! So I say what's going on etc, I will bring him downstairs. He says he doesnt want to deal with me b/c I make it difficult etc. But yet he will drop him off at my house in the evening. Does that make to any sense. We argue again. He says he'll see if he can get in at 8:30a.m. He'll call me later. So I said no let me know now I dont want to do this later. Then he says he may not wake up in time, I said just set your alarm, he says he doesnt have one. Damnit he does have an alarm clock, he's just playing games. I got so frustrated and upset. My God im so sick of this. So I said look, this is the way it has to be or dont bother coming he said fine and I hung up.
I let about an hour pass and began feeling bad b/c he doesnt get that much time with the baby and I dont want to be accused of keeping our son from him again b/c we argued. So I called him back and asked if he made a decision, he agreed to coming to my house at 8:30a.m. But later I was still so distraugt from all the arguing and I called him and left him two messages crying asking why does he treat me like this etc. How do I get my emotions under control. How do I stop letting him push my buttons. Even though im hurting I dont treat him like this. He keeps blaming me, saying I provoke him to say and do the things he does. Im starting to wonder if its true. I realize when I see him the anger and pain does become overwhelming and I do end up saying something or bringing up the past. Have you ever felt that the only one who can fix the pain is the one who caused it. B/c when I dont see him I want to see him. Am I crazy. How do I get over wanting him to acknoweledge my pain and suffering when in all this time he hasnt. He says he doesnt come around me b/c I usually end up crying (true) and when he's around the ow or gf they dont do this. But when he sees that me starting to get so upset why cant he try to neutralize this situation. How can after over 5 yrs and a child he be so cold and not care that im hurting. I just want to feel like he cares. He says he still loves me but doesnt show it. Is that so hard. I told him I dont want to share and he said so leave him alone. He was very angry when he said this. It seems like he uses the hateful stuff to shut me up b/c that usually does the trick. He has told me he is going through stuff and cant deal with my stuff and his. Even though im hurting when he needs me Ive been there and Im angry he doesnt do the same. Could it be that Im just angry b/c he doesnt show me he's hurting. Is he hurting? It just feels like Im the only one. So how do I just stop?

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You don't just stop, you need a plan. Develop a plan and the implement the plan, and where you find the plan doesn't work then develop a new plan and try that. Here are some things I would have in the plan.
You can't be negotiating visitation every day. There needs to be some type of schedule in place that the both of you can rely on. You also need guidlines, for example, if he's going to have the child on a weekday, then he has to pick up by 8am or forget it. He has to drop off at a specific time too. The guideline would also say he comes up to get the child or you meet him downstairs - it doesn't matter which but agree on something and have that always be the same. Having a plan for this still means you can be flexible if something comes up, but from what you describe every visitation is a big negotation and this is part of the problem. Also, if he says "I want him tomorrow because you always get him on Sundays" just reply with "I was not prepared for a last minute change, but if you want more Sunday time then lets set aside time to revisit the schedule and if we agree, maybe we can make a change starting next week." That way you are being flexible without being run over.
You can't let him be your support system, if you think only the person who caused the pain can fix it, you are setting yourself up for failure. Only you can fix it for yourself, and it's going to take time and it won't be easy. When you want to wonder outloud why he treats you this way, do it to yourself, to us or to anyone other than him. Also, that question should be followed by "why do I let him" and "what can I do to protect myself from him" because asking those follow up questions of yourself is what will lead to a solution.
It takes time. It takes ups and downs. ALL of which you learn from.
It's hard being who we know we are when we hurt so much. There comes a time and a day when you will just learn to let go.
You have to put the baby first. Example.... It would have been ok for your X to take the baby to church instead of you, why? because the baby needs all the time daddy that daddy will allow. Is it an inconvenience for you to be without the baby at church, yeah maybe, but that doesn't matter to the baby ( right now anyway ) What matters is that you HAVE to think about the baby and the baby only. You thought about your feelings when you were saying that "he knows I take the baby to church on Sundays" it might be true, but daddy doesn't get every night with the baby like you do. I know it sucks, but it is true. I can't tell you how many events I had to give up so my kids could be with daddy. Eventually you will get a set schedule set up. All of those kinds of things come with time.
Remember, you get to see a lot more things happen with the baby than he does. It's OK that he calls at the drop of a hat to see the baby. Atleast he wants to see the baby..... again, putting your own feelings of anger and resentment aside and thinking of what is best for the baby.
Hugs and good luck. Remember time...... all you need is time.
Angelena
Both of you have made good points. I need some stability right now as well as trying to understand that he is missing out on all of his firsts. I cant even imagine not being there for those things. So I guess he is hurting.
But what kills me is he is so eager to be spend time with the mother of his twins, it's like she carries more importance than me and I know I shouldnt give a damn but it hurts like hell sometimes. Even with gf, they've been together a few months. I was the one who was there for him over 5 years, gave him his 1st born son, cooked, cleaned, taught him how to dress etc. Not any of them. He acts like I was always this crazy woman who just set out to get his money. I did change when I found out about the cheating but who wouldnt especially when you keep catching him in lie after lie.
When I've told him he acts like they are more important he gets so angry, says he's tired of hearing that. He called me during my lunch break to ask me to look for something. I asked how the baby was and he said he locked him in his room while he was using the bathroom. I wanted to have a heart attack but I as calm as possible tried to explain why he shouldnt do that and as usual we got into it. This is the second time we've had this conversation.
He jumps on everything I say, like it's carries no weight. Then he was like im never satisifed and he did that b/c he didnt have anybody to sit with the baby. I dont want to even hear of these other women, it pisses me off so why even mention it. I know Im still very emotional and have to control it but it's like he just gets off on mentioning them at the worst times. Just say ok I see your point. Give me some credit.
So ofcourse he had an attitude and was acting like he was ignoring me and that is the worst feeling of all. So I told him why do you treat the other women better than me and he said b/c they didnt put him in the situation he's in now. WHAT! How in the hell. So I said why dont you take responsibility for what you did. He told me he already did, he has nothing nice to say to me and just wont say anything at all. I should just leave him alone.
Why does he hate me and I still love him. Why does he keep blaming me for his life being the way it is now. I know I contributed to the breakup but his cheating and lying caused me to behave the way I did. Why doesnt he see that. I accepted my role in it and still wanted to be a family. What's wrong with him.
You can't spend time or energy evaluating what's wrong with him. Well, you can do it but it's time wasted and you'll never get it back. Trying to get him to see things your way or to not act like those other women are important is taking energy away from you.
In my personal opinion the goal of co-parenting is to have a non-emotional, acquaintance type relationship. You want to be able to discuss the baby and parenting without 'getting into it' with him about anything personal. I know it's hard, that is why I see it as a 'goal.' It took us 6 months or more to get to this point, and that was with conscious effort on both our parts. At some point we just had to stop talking to each other about what had happened and how we felt about it. We had to stop for our own sanity. My ex would call me up to vent and I'd tell him he had to find a therapist to vent to. And when I needed to vent, I came here or did it in my therapy sessions. My ex never did go to therapy, but I do know he started a journal (I think the purpose was more to record all the horrible choices I had made and how they impacted his life negatively, but the result was a healthy outlet for his frustrations, and that was good). Any way you do it, just focus on not bringing up the past, not trying to understand him or getting him to understand and acknowledge your pain. The point of your conversations should be the baby, visitation for the baby, the best interests of the baby.
With my ex, I viewed it as a process of breaking down our relationship as a married couple and rebuilding a new, co-parenting, acquaintence type relationship. We had to stop leaning on each other, expecting emotional support from each other and stop causing emotional drama in each other's lives. Once we had mostly done that, then we had to practice having non-emotional conversations. If you see your conversations going the way of a fight, you can stop it and tell him "I see where this is going, and I just need some time to calm down and think, can we agree to talk later today and start over?" Or you can just change the subject or find a reason to get off the phone.
I agree on not locking the child in the room, but any parenting advice from you will not be well received so keep that in mind. Ex's just don't like parenting advice from each other. If the child is in danger, then you have to say something. I don't like the car seat my ex uses for dd, and I did mention to him that the other one he has (the more expensive one I bought him) is safer and then he told me he just can't get that one installed in his car properly (not all car seats fit all cars, but who knows how hard he tried). I would like him to get a safer seat that did fit his car, but ultimately that is his choice. I hate that he gives her so much junk food, but I don't say anything to him, I just try and make up for it when she's with me. If you have to give him advice, you need to chose your words very carefully. You want him to hear your point, not just discount it as 'one other thing you both disagree on.' Perhaps something like "I have read there can be a negative psychological impact to locking a child in a room, if I found some information on that would you be willing to read it?" Anyway, that kind of situation is always challenging.
It IS sad. It has to be sad. It doesn't matter if it's sad for him or not, and if him not acting sad makes you MORE sad, then just sit down on the couch and cry, or hit a pillow, or scream or anything that gets those emotions out. I don't think 'no contact' is possible because of your child, and also because it doesn't really help you cope with the feelings, it just allows you to push them away and not think about them temporarily.
The more you cry and the more time that passes, the easier it will get. As long as you have a long-term goal of being okay, healing and moving on, then for now it's fine to just let yourself feel all the sadness and anger that you feel. You are grieving, and you need to grieve this loss before you can recover.
I guess I just have to remember that I have to worry about myself and heal myself. I do realize now that Im still looking to him to "fix me" and still looking to "fix him" You know when you think it will be you and this person "forever". It's so hard to shake that feeling. I have to learn how to accept what has happened. That's been my hardest thing to do because I still love him. Is that okay though. I ask myself how can I still love him when he done all that he has done.
Now he's just telling me straight out to "leave him alone" b/c I keep bringing up the same thing. when im hurting I just express it. But I guess I cant do it to him like you said. I never thought it would come to this. I always thought no matter what he'd be there for me b/c even throught all this when he needed me I was there for him. It's funny b/c when everything 1st happened he wanted me to "get over it", "leave the past in the past" but now he's the one who cant do that. Yeah I took him to court for child support and kicked him out of the house. It wasnt like he had to live on the street. But he blames me for taking away his home, the comfort of seeing his son everyday, all his possessions, and ruining his life. Is that fair to me. Can he actually really believe this. He cheated more than once not me.
Well, actually yes he can do that and think that. He can be screwed up in the head and he can only think of himself and his needs. I think you have to focus on healing, but when you get through most of that and you feel stronger, the next challenge for you is to figure out why you put up with this. I have also picked to be with men who put their own needs first. For me, I have learned it is partially because as a child I learned how to ignore my own feelings and 'be okay' all on my own. I could not lean on someone else, but I was very good at fixing problems for others and taking care of them. My relationships have all been one-way like that. Yours sounds a little more like co-dependent, but I am no expert and I don't know all the facts. It something that will take time to figure out for yourself, but if you can, it will save you a lot of grief in the future.
One thing I can say with some certainty, is that if one person in the relationship expects the other to take care of him and his needs first, the other should not expect to be appreciated (well, you can expect it but you won't get it). The person getting all their needs met first believes they are entitled to that treatment, and they do not see the sacrifice that their partner makes for them. They never will understand. Their mind and heart is limited and that is why they can only think of their own needs.
You've helped me to think about some things I may not have considered before. Now that you mention it, it does sound like he could be that "self-centered". Ive noticed in the past since the breakup that if I needed something from him or wanted him to come over for me b/c I was going through whatever, he usually almost always had something else to do, with someone else no matter how many times I was there for him when he needed me. Even in the middle of the night.
During our mini battle this morning he said to me that b/c he has no money the 20yr old buys him gas. So when he drives her to work in the mornings he spends his days at the house of the mother of his twins until the gf gets off from work b/c she lives 5 minutes away from where the gf works. So while he's there he doesnt have to worry about food b/c she will cook for him. And the gf will buy him food. So I said to him so all you care about is what someone else can do for you and he said that's what he has to think about right now. I dont even know who he is right now. What kind of man is he. So I told him I dont do those things because I dont want to share and that was the first time he said I should leave him alone then.
It's kinda sad. I would think that what we had was so much more than what he has now. Bare with me I will get this eventually. But do are men that different from women that they can walk away just like that from a promise of being together forever and a wonderful family. I always believed in "us" but he just threw us away. This person he says I am now that he just cant deal with would have never been this way had he not cheated why doesnt see that.
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