Lost perspective, how do i get it back
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| Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:05pm |
First off I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your input to my posts on Friday.
Angelena, and firstamendment, a special thanks to you.
I had a BAD WEEKEND! I am still letting my ex push my buttons and I thought I had it under control. Since the argument on Friday I've been a little shaken. I pulled myself together and went on about my business. All day Saturday was okay, no contact. Then he called that night saying he wanted to pick him up Sunday morning to go to church, knowing I take him to church. Complaining that I always have him etc. So I told him look you cancelled on him two days you did what u wanted to do with him on Friday, Im doing what I want on Sunday. We argued then I or he hung up. I waited an hour or so and said i would call him and be the bigger, mature person and try talking to him about compromising and doing what's best for the baby. He said he didnt have time to talk. Ridiculous!
Then sunday came and he called again saying he wanted to get him on Monday. I said how long are you gonna have him and he said for the day then said I probably didnt take him to church knowing he wanted to get him etc. And I said did you go, he said no he just lied about going, he just wanted to get him.
I felt an argument coming on so I tried to focus on him getting him and stick to particulars and he says I cant do this now Im with my girls (referring to the twins). Why is he doing this, Why does he want to aggravate me. It hurt so bad.
When he gets him for the day he always comes before I go to work so I dont have to take the $10 cab ride to my sister's. Then all of a sudden he says he will get him around 10am. Im like what! So I say what's going on etc, I will bring him downstairs. He says he doesnt want to deal with me b/c I make it difficult etc. But yet he will drop him off at my house in the evening. Does that make to any sense. We argue again. He says he'll see if he can get in at 8:30a.m. He'll call me later. So I said no let me know now I dont want to do this later. Then he says he may not wake up in time, I said just set your alarm, he says he doesnt have one. Damnit he does have an alarm clock, he's just playing games. I got so frustrated and upset. My God im so sick of this. So I said look, this is the way it has to be or dont bother coming he said fine and I hung up.
I let about an hour pass and began feeling bad b/c he doesnt get that much time with the baby and I dont want to be accused of keeping our son from him again b/c we argued. So I called him back and asked if he made a decision, he agreed to coming to my house at 8:30a.m. But later I was still so distraugt from all the arguing and I called him and left him two messages crying asking why does he treat me like this etc. How do I get my emotions under control. How do I stop letting him push my buttons. Even though im hurting I dont treat him like this. He keeps blaming me, saying I provoke him to say and do the things he does. Im starting to wonder if its true. I realize when I see him the anger and pain does become overwhelming and I do end up saying something or bringing up the past. Have you ever felt that the only one who can fix the pain is the one who caused it. B/c when I dont see him I want to see him. Am I crazy. How do I get over wanting him to acknoweledge my pain and suffering when in all this time he hasnt. He says he doesnt come around me b/c I usually end up crying (true) and when he's around the ow or gf they dont do this. But when he sees that me starting to get so upset why cant he try to neutralize this situation. How can after over 5 yrs and a child he be so cold and not care that im hurting. I just want to feel like he cares. He says he still loves me but doesnt show it. Is that so hard. I told him I dont want to share and he said so leave him alone. He was very angry when he said this. It seems like he uses the hateful stuff to shut me up b/c that usually does the trick. He has told me he is going through stuff and cant deal with my stuff and his. Even though im hurting when he needs me Ive been there and Im angry he doesnt do the same. Could it be that Im just angry b/c he doesnt show me he's hurting. Is he hurting? It just feels like Im the only one. So how do I just stop?

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You're right. It could be that I am partially to blame for his staying away b/c I do talk about the things he has done wrong. He could be so much better than what he is now. Or at least I think so. I just always saw all that "he could be". And accepting the "who he is" is something I haven figured out how to do yet. I dont understand why he doesnt want to be better. He has said in the past that he's done so much to hurt me it would be "too hard to fix the damage". But Ive always felt if we both were willing to make some changes we could be amazing. I've always been willing to make the effort but he comes close then when I want a committment he pulls away.
I do know that when I keep my emotions to myself he does like to come around more often. I went through this last summer but I couldnt deal with it b/c I was always left hoping that the "time together" would only increase and he move back in.
Why cant he show me that losing me hurt, that he misses me, loves me. etc. Why doesnt he want to be with me but be with this 20yr old. What does she have that I dont. Or the "ow" for that matter.
I think 20 year olds tend to have fewer expectations of people. One thing you want to pay attention to down the road if you are in another relationship, is looking critically at who that person is, not what they could be. We all will die with unmet potential, some more than others. He doesn't want to 'be all he can be' because he doesn't want to, it's that simple. He likes who he is with low expectations of himself and being catered to by others. Of course you could be great if only he'd be the person you want him to be and know he can be. But that is your ideal, not his. It's much easier to find a partner that values the same things we value in life, rather than finding someone that doesn't and trying to mold them into something more. In your case, he might lack the capacity to show you how he feels, or maybe he lacks the capacity to feel anything deeply. The only thing the 20 year old has that you don't is a free-loading boyfriend.
>>>I do know that when I keep my emotions to myself he does like to come around more often. I went through this last summer but I couldnt deal with it b/c I was always left hoping that the "time together" would only increase and he move back in.<<<
Be careful with this. You don't want to keep your emotions in check so he'll come around more. The last thing you need to give yourself is false hope. You seem to have extreme options with him, either 'no contact' or pretend you are fine so he'll spend time with you. I say keep your emotions in check and also set boundaries with him so he can't get to you anymore. If there is any hope he would move back in, I hope it was only if he underwent a very significant life transformation, and I don't see that happening. He is never going to be the man you need in your life, never.
Unfortunately I think you may be right. That was why this summer I didnt want to do that. I cant keep quiet just because it makes things convenient for him. If anything I want him to respect me and value me. But it seems like we just have very different morals.
>>>in another relationship, is looking critically at who the person is, not what they could be<<<. We began as friends, talked about everything. We planned to start a family, get our own place. This was things that were discussed and agreed on. He knew what I wanted before it got serious. It seems like he just lied about wanting what i wanted i guess. It's a shame b/c now I have so much rebuilding to do. It will be hard to put my trust, hopes and dreams into someone else again. I've had relationships before and of them all I would have never ever thought that "he" would have done me this way. I just dont know how to recover.
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