in love with another man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
in love with another man?
2
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:10pm

Maybe not in love, just infatuated...

Long story, my H of 14 yrs is controlling and verbally abusive, insecure and an ahgry man. I have been a stay at home Mom for 9 yrs (3 kids), we have moved 8 times in 14 yrs. I lose friends everywhere, and when I make them, he doesn't let me go out with them, says I'm going to meet a man (see the insecurity?). I have become numb to his accusations and yelling. Finally went out on my own and started working in the schools, and met a man teacher...similar situation with him, nasty wife who degrades him. Why didn't I tell my H? He would have forbid me from working there...nothing has gone on, at all, I hardly knew the man then. Now, after 6 months, I have worked more with the man, and autistic teacher, I have had a secret dream to work with Downs/disabled kids for yrs, so we clicked, think alike and teach alike. We are just friends, but have a similar understanding of what it's like to have an unsupportive spouse. My H found out that I see him at the school and forbid me to work there, Didn't I say he'd do that? I refused and he accuses me of seeing him secretly and having an affair with him (not true--I haven't seen the man all summer). Here's the bad part, we email, at first it was a lot, but has dwindled, but he has helped me keep my faith through all this and has pushed me to turn to God. We have similar ways of thinking and teaching and he has supported me in getting certified to work with "exceptional" kids.

My H isn't so supportive. In fact, I think he wants me to continue staying home because he is afraid I will leave him...yes, I am becoming more independent. My H & I fight about money (who doesn't) and he threatens to kick me out and take the kids...I saw a lawyer to learn my rights, he can't take them and he'd have to give me 1/2 of everything. I am afraid to leave, he is an angry man and would make my life a living hell and try to turn the kids against me, this is my biggest fear, what he would do to the kids, so I stay...BUT I think about the other man all the time. Am I crazy??? What am I thinking??? I don't even think I could have an affair, and I don't want to...but I can't stop thinking about him...Iit's not like he has left his wife...I know he wants to, but like me has 3 kids to think of...

Most of my friends (and family)think my husband is a good guy, but that he treats me horribly and would support me if I leave him. But where do I go??? I couldn't afford to stay here...

I am soooo confused...

I want to leave, I don't love my H, but I am so afraid...

-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:28pm

Your subject line isn't really what your post is about. You are in an abusive marriage. You need to talk with a counselor about what is best for you and your children. It may be best to leave the marriage.

The other man doesn't have anything to do with it other than showing you there are good people out there.

Please seek out a counselor to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Keep on teaching and standing up for yourself.

Stick around here as well. Good ideas come through often.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:15pm
fear nothing but fear itself - there are consequences to all actions - good & bad - you just have to weigh them & figure out what's best for you...you have to determine if some of the problems w/in the marriage could stem from you & if you could change some of that -or if you've tried everything, and nothing will ever change - thinking the grass is greener, isn't always the smartest move - you can do it on your own - it may difficult, but if it's something you really want to do, you of course can do it - i can say one thing, there isn't enough money in the world that can buy you peace of mind - and usually you're not going to find that w/another man either - lol...