Love her-not "In Love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008
Love her-not "In Love"
1
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 8:11am

Going to try to keep this short and sweet, (yeah right).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 10:15am

Does your wife know about OW?

I think most people will tell you that once you have made your decision, you need to stand up and actually do it. Drawing it out doesn't ever seem to be good, unless you and your wife are going to attend counseling and work on the marriage. I'm not sure why your wife is so reluctant to attend counseling if she does not want to lose you. Unfortunately, she will need to go the marriage survives or not.

If you are sure that the marriage is over and do want a divorce, but can't seem to actually "demand" one, then maybe you need to discuss how to approach it with your therapist. I imagine that even in the clearest cases for divorce, the leaving spouse feels guilty for leaving when there are children.

You seem to be feeling guilty for the affair, which is totally normal. I was having an emotional affair (no physical contact--mine is on the other side of the US), and I guess I still am in my mind (though I have had no contact with the man). I believe that I had to drop contact with him in order to know that he wasn't the reason why my marriage was failing. My therapist advised me to do that because she did not want me leaving the marriage with it on my mind. As far as your kids are concerned, are you sure you will be able to get full custody of them? Are you going to be ok if you do not?

I know what you mean on the intimacy front. My husband and I have not had sex or kissing for over a year and while I do miss it, I do not miss it with him. I know that sounds terrible, and I know that statement will ruffle feathers, but it's my truth. To be honest, our stories sound somewhat parallel.

ETA: I, too, have had a lot of trouble mustering up the courage to actually end things. I think about having to tell the kids mommmy and daddy won't be living together any more, and I lose it. I wish you luck if that's the path you decide to take. I know it can be done, and I know it often is the best thing in the end for everyone, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.




Edited 5/15/2008 10:18 am ET by gogadgetgo