Maiden Name or Married Name??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Maiden Name or Married Name??
18
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:54pm

I've only been on this board a few times.....but I have a question that I'm sure has been addressed before. I am close to filing for a dissolution of marriage. My STBX of nearly 15 years left me for another woman, and basically another life. We have been separated for six months, and are working out the details of our settlement. We have a DD-12 and a DS-10. I'm wondering the pros/cons to going back to my maiden name. The pros are obvious; a sense of empowerment, independence, not carrying his name anymore, etc. Are there any negatives, especially because we have two children together?

I have a friend who just got divorced, and she couldn't wait to return to her maiden name, and I am leaning in that direciton as well. I was concerned for my children, and how it might affect them, with our last names not being the same. I haven't talked to them about it. Is it hard for children....confusing?

I guess for me, personally, I only have his name because I married him, and since we won't be married anymore, I might want my maiden name back. Just wondered how others handled it, and what worked best.

Thanks,

Tis

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:18pm
i never changed my name & my name is different from my childrens...it's okay...i think children care more about how a name sounds or looks than anything - when they get older, if they ask questions, you can always give them the option of changing there own name to whatever they want it to be...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 1:03am

Personally, I went back to my maiden name. There was A LOT of mental abuse in the relationship. I have been doing everything I can to get rid of any joint property etc. I even burned my wedding dress. Having his last name was just one more painful reminder that I did not want. I haven't regretted it for a minute. There have been a few situations where there was a bit of a mixup, but most of them were quickly ironed out.

Bit of "humor" for you. My ex and I were married 6 years. It took me almost 5 years to get my SS card changed to my married name. After we got divorced, it only took 3 days for me to get it changed back to my maiden name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:31am
I sure understand how you feel. I was going to have added to the papers my maiden name back .....that my husbands lawyer was typing up yesterday morning then changed my mind. and its too late now as they were filed today. I think I am just too exhausted to even think about all the hastle of changing the name on everything. but I am like you.........I dont want to use his last name.
they should change the law so that name changes in marriage are by choice only. oh well.......
maybe when the OW hears my full name she can wince knowing I spent almost 30 years with him.
I figure maybe later I can do it through the courts separately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 5:48am
I have been considering using my grandmother's maiden name instead...although it would be an enormous hassle, I've been using it as my nom de plume for years. My daughters are grown now and soon they will most likely marry and have their names changed. At first I felt as though I was "forced into" starting a new life ( H left for his secretary ) but I've since adopted the attitude that I choose to have a new life.....and it is empowering...symbolically, the name change is that my grandmother was a remarkable woman, she was a phoenix, she has always been a source of my strenght....also I am not the woman I was before in my marriage, and I'm not the woman I was when I was single. This has been my rebirth, and I will rise from the ashes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:17am

Thanks to all who replied. There was certainly a variety of responses based on individual situations, geographic locations....lots to consider.

I'm still thinking about it, but am leaning towards changing my name when the divorce is final. If I wait and do it later, the kids will wonder "why now?" Whereas, if it is part of the divorce, it is part of the change and transition that is already taking place in our lives, and will seem more logical to them.

While I would never want to wipe away the 15 years of marriage, and it will take a while to come to terms with separating the good times from the bad, the result was my two beautiful chilren. But the reality is, I don't want that name anymore, because it will always be a painful reminder. He betrayed our marriage, why would I want to keep his name? I think going back to my maiden name will bring me a sense of personal identity, and help me separate from the marriage, and that will be a constant reminder of who I am, when I sign my name from this point on. A woman takes her husbands name when she becomes married to him, as a sign of oneness, wholeness, and togetherness. Once that bond is broken, a new sense of identity must be created, and perhaps a name change can help establish that.

Tis

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:38am
Good for you! You are a strong woman, with dignity and the resolve to do just that rise above the ashes
You are an inspiration to me. I am still throwing my almost daily little fits of rage, hurt and jealousy! We did not have a good marriage. I too deserve to be happy again so I dont know why I am doing this.
but I too will try to Rise Above the Ashes!!
thanks for that powerful thought!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:15pm
Little by little, every day make it better....even if it's a moment of calm or happiness, or laughter..it's one more than yesterday....aim for progress not perfection....((hugs)))to all no matter what name you decide to take.....try queen, and treat yourself like one...Love, Cee
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:01pm
Aww thanks Hugs to you too! I was getting down on myself for not stopping my charades like NOW but you are right .....if I get a little better every day that is great!
thanks so much for all of you and your kindness and for helping me get through all this.
((hugs))
I was just fine today. he had promised not to change the divorce filing from anything different from a preliminary draft we had agreed upon and went down to sign the Acknowledgement of Service. was fine then I read the papers and he added on there that I was not allowed to draw any Social Security Benefits from his. I dont know if I can or not ..if we are divorced or if he is alive. But I thought I could if we were together for a 10 yr span. and this last marriage of three we were together for 11.
I was so angry again. I said why did you do that? my SS is right now only 200 a month,
I said even if I am not allowed to draw anything if you are alive do you know that if you die before I do I wont be able to get anything for sure now!!! And that could make me more of a burden to the kids.....good grief.
he went over to the SS security office to get some info. I dont know if that statement is even binding in the papers. What a dumb lawyer. His office didnt even give him a copy of the final filed papers. what is he spose to do.........wonder for 20 days if he remembers everything they say. I called them and said he would be down to get his copy The gal got mad at me and hung up on me. good grief..........
I wanted him to take a copy to the SS office and find out what the deal is.
I think the only reason he is doing it now is cause yeah if he dies and I dont have much coming in I could be more of a burden to kids.
there I go again........ranting and ranting.!
oh thanks so much deejayzee! for being there.

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