Maiden Name...or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Maiden Name...or not??
34
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:14pm

I am in the process of getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage. Yes, believe it or not, it CAN happen to anyone! I found out my soon-to-be ex was having a three year affair with a person I once considered a friend. Not just an affair...but a disgusting, kinky, unbelieveable connection. I have come to the point of accepting the finality of it. I do NOT want this marriage or him back! Too much betrayal!! We have three grown children (26, 23, 21).

My question is.....alot of people are asking me if I am going to take my maiden name back. I guess I never gave it much thought until they mentioned it. I've had my married name longer than my surname! I keep thinking I have to go back and find out who I was before my marriage. I got married so young, high school sweethearts...you know the story.

Plus the fact that he and this other woman are still together, the absolute betrayal of it all and trying to start a new life makes me feel that I should take my maiden name. New life, new beginning. My kids are all for it and said they would have no problem with it.

Opinions????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:25am
That hits home for me too. I am not proud of his family name. I don't want to keep it but it's my kids' family name. I'm, seriously, thinking of asking to have my kids' last name hyphenated with both of our names and taking back my last name.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:03am

EXACTLY!!

Part of my reasoning too was the fact that I was married for 7 years and I decided to stay in the town that we lived in together, however his parents knew everyone it was a very small town and they had a good business there, no matter where I went someone asked me if I knew "so and so" and it just brought back all the ugliness again while I was in counseling to try and get a shred of dignity back of him flaunty his mistress all around town. I remember this one time I went to CVS to pick up a prescription, mind you I was 26 at the time I was going through my divorce, the girl behind the counter knew my name because I was getting a prescription and she says to me "Sorry about you and Mike" and I looked at her, I had no recognization at her at all so I looked at her nametag and I had to really strain to remember meeting her ONCE when I was 19 at a party. SERIOUSLY!!!!! THIS WAS HOW IT WAS GOING TO BE!!!!!!

Then I went to refinance my car loan after a pretty bad counseling appointment, The loan guy comes out and says my name I start walking in with him, and he says "Oh any relation to X and X?" and I said "Yes they are my inlaws" and he's like "I'm so and so's brother in law" Okay, so then I was like well that's why I am here and I just lost it started bawling in the loan officers officer, I was composed until he said that.

Once I took my name back I got ME back. Nobody knew me as a extension of that family. Which as much as I loved his parents it was detrimental to my healing to be constantly banged over the head with that when I went out, I never wanted to go anywhere in town because of it.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:37am

Was I proud to keep my married name? Heck no. I kept it for the kids and because it makes my professional life easier.

It's not an easy name, and I have to spell it all the time, but I had it for most of my adult life.

But the bonus part is that NW hates that we have the same last name. I get a kick out of knowing that I annoy her.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 5:59pm
I am keeping my married name..Because it is something that I actually like. Everyone thinks I am crazy, but it is my mother's maiden name ( not they weren't related).It is such a hassle to change everything over( from my lease,check, car, insurance) I will do that if I am going to get married again. Keep that money in your pocket!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:25pm

Sorry....but the more and more I think about it, I tend to agree with the majority of responses I have.

It has nothing to do with $$ and the effort to change everything over.

You are supposed to be proud of your name, and actually what my soon-to-be ex-husband did to me, how he betrayed me, and his entire disfunctional family. I am prouder to be have my maiden name and the name I was born with. I don't want to carry his memory and baggage into my future.

As told earlier, my children are all grown adults and they actually all agree with me on this subject. Because hard as it is....they know the whole story of our separation, divorce, etc.

I was married right out of high school. Married the high school sweetheart. After 35 years, he cheated with a friend of mine over a period of three years. It just wasn't a one-night stand. But THREE years with a person I considered a friend. And there is alot more to the story than that. I could go on and on about the kinky and sick way they first hooked up............but it ultimately comes down to MY well-being and what is best for me. And right now, it is going back and finding out who I AM (aka my maiden name). I never had that opportunity, because I got married so young!

So after 35 years of marriage, I do plan on taking my maiden name back. I think I will feel so free and the fact that I won't have the weight of my married name anymore.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:41pm

I'm glad that hearing our stories has helped you make your decision... it is very much a personal one, so there is no right answer for everyone... Good luck as you continue down this road...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:56pm

Moving down the road is what I am scared and apprehensive about.

ALL I have ever known is being Mrs.....

I don't know anything else besides being his wife and mother of three children.

I am ready to take the next step and I know it is inevitable...

That doesn't make it any less scarier and lonesome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:43pm

Hi Suzie,

I would definitely take my maiden name back if I were you. I was married for 22 years and considered doing the same exact thing....except that I've met someone very special and am planning to spend a future with him. So, in the meantime, I'm keeping my name until we decide to make that move. Otherwise, I would have definitely changed my name...no doubt about it. You do what is right in your heart. Sorry about your situation. Here I thought 22 years was long (with 5 years of dating him before we married). We were high school sweethearts too and I never thought we'd end up divorced. It hasn't been easy being with someone for 27 years out of my life and then trying to rebuild, but I'm proof that it can be done! Hugs, Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:46pm

Aw, don't be sorry! You made a decision that was right for you!

If my kids were grown, I'd probably change back to my maiden name, too!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:42am

So many people keep telling me that out of this tragedy I will come out better and happier than I ever was. I'll find someone and find out what true love is really about. In hindsight, I believe my ex and I stayed together just out of routine, commitment.

I hope I do find my "happily everafter" like so many other stories I have heard about.

But at this point right now, it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.......