Maiden Name...or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Maiden Name...or not??
34
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:14pm

I am in the process of getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage. Yes, believe it or not, it CAN happen to anyone! I found out my soon-to-be ex was having a three year affair with a person I once considered a friend. Not just an affair...but a disgusting, kinky, unbelieveable connection. I have come to the point of accepting the finality of it. I do NOT want this marriage or him back! Too much betrayal!! We have three grown children (26, 23, 21).

My question is.....alot of people are asking me if I am going to take my maiden name back. I guess I never gave it much thought until they mentioned it. I've had my married name longer than my surname! I keep thinking I have to go back and find out who I was before my marriage. I got married so young, high school sweethearts...you know the story.

Plus the fact that he and this other woman are still together, the absolute betrayal of it all and trying to start a new life makes me feel that I should take my maiden name. New life, new beginning. My kids are all for it and said they would have no problem with it.

Opinions????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:22am

Suzie, I believe that happiness is a choice. You can choose to dwell in the past and be miserable, or you can move forward to bigger and brighter things!

I hope you choose the bigger and brighter!!!!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:55am

I agree with Calla.... It took me making the choice to be happy and not dwell on what I lost, but to cherish the parts that were good, and look down the new road and see that light!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:03am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am in the same boat, almost 18 years and a 3 year affair with a mutual friend. Not quite as long as you, but 1/2 my life non-the-less.

My divorce should be final within the next month or two. We were supposed to be done in January, but I went and let him move back in when he came begging and pleading. 3 weeks ago, he told me he still had some feelings for her. So here I am again.....

Sorry to ramble, bottom line is I will be proud to take my father's nsme back (my maiden name)! I am convinced that my father is the only man on the face of the earth worth anything! HAH!

I wish you all the best! Stay as strong as you can!
Hugs!
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:34pm
I'd say change it. I've only been married 3 and a half years and I am itching to get my name back. Do you really want a constant reminder of the infidelity? I know I don't. Good luck with your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:23pm

Stupid ?? If you keep your married name, do your kids friends call you Mrs. Married name or Miss Married name?

Just wondering-I am keeping my married name to make it easier for the kids. I've already run into the are you related to so and so. Not a family name to be proud of but it is the kids last name and they have been through so much.

Thanks.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:08pm

I'd assume Mrs. married name, which will irk me but they're just kids. What I'd really like to do is take back my maiden name and hyphenate the kids names so that we share a last name but STBX is dead set against it. Says everyone will ask him why their names were changed. Well, DUH, because he left and we got divorced.

I'm thinking of asking the court to do it anyway. My kids kind of like the idea. As young as they are, I think they've figured out there's a lot more character in my family than his. I think they feel more a part of my family than his. His family is distant and cold for the most part but they'll hover like vultures if someone threatens to tarnish the family name. They're more into appearances than what is real hence my in laws offers to give him unlimited financial support to bankrupt me and make sure this goes his way. They don't care what's right. They care how things appear. My family does what's right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:15pm
I kept my married name for alot of reasons. My kids, length of marriage (20 years), hassle factor, and the fact that my maiden name is not as nice sounding as my married name. I also like that it probably bugs him and his GF (who he cheated with/left his family for). I actually asked his mother what she thought and she said you have no reason to have to change your name. He's the one who left. Ha.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 5:26am

I think he wants me to keep his name. It's like a tag of ownership to him or something. He's, basically, put me in position where if I want to share a name with my girls I have to keep his.

This makes sense in a way considering something he did shortly after we were married. I had been seriously involved with someone else before him (my mother said I picked up strays, lol they were all losers. I just married the biggest loser.). I had a ring XSO had given me for Christmas one year that I liked and still wore on my right hand. STBX had me write him a letter and send the ring back to him as if having anything that came from him somehow tied me to him. It was just a Christmas present. It's not like it was an engagement ring. I think he thinks the same about his name.

He is acting very strange. He is the one who left (not that he didn't do me a favor) but he acts like I was the one to kick him to the curb. Like I'm the one who rejected him. It's one thing to leave but why all the vindictiveness when it was his choice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:51pm
My ex treats me EXACTLY like that, bitter, mean, as if I caused the divorce when in fact HE moved straight in with his GF who is is still with, and is still mean!
Anytime I try to be civil he sneers and is just plain evil!
This is what I get for 22 years of loyalty, raising his kids? @#$%^&*
I hear men do this because they are deluded, have convinced themselves (to avoid the guilt of being less than the man they should be) into actually BELIEVING it's OUR fault.
Geez. I think some men are ego psychos. Bitter rant off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:30pm

Yup. That's my ex. He left but treats me like I kicked him to the curb and he'll do anything to spite me. Like the fact he's insisting that dd get the Gardasil vaccine when I'm against it. I think the risk to benefit ratio is too high. He NEVER gets into the children's medical decisions but NOW he has to. What an idiot.

I just hope dd isn't one of the girls who suffers serious side effects from the vaccine. I can't stop him from ordering the doctor to give it to her.