Maintaining relationship with kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Maintaining relationship with kids
12
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 3:40pm

My ex has a girlfriend since June that my kids are more and more involved with. They seem to like her a lot, at least my girls do anyway. My issue is that they are going to be more prone to living with "them" when the time comes that he's going to move in with her.

My issue is that she doesn't spend a lot of time with them (every other weekend) and of course she's nice to them, and I'm the mean one that makes them clean their rooms and brush their teeth. She has a nice house and makes more money then me, she's a geneticist and I'm just an RN. So I see my kids slanting more toward living with them and I don't want that. How do I cope with it?

I try to do as much as I can for my kids and it seems like I only have the chance to provide the basics such as food, clothing and shelter and making sure they go to the doctor and dentist. I keep them with me when I have extra days off and vacations. I am having a money crunch right now due to fixing my house and the increase in the price of oil, gas and water and sewer. I took them to the fair even though I should have spent the money on something more practical and I rented a camp at the beginning of the summer and that money would have paid for a lot of my oil for the year.

It just seems that I go out of my way to do extras and it's never enough and that he's always going to win. I feel like I'm losing my 8-year-old daughter especially because she seems to really like his new GF. The thought of him taking my child and moving 45 minutes away just makes me so angry!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 3:54pm

I am sure your children love you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 4:03pm

My oldest son is 15 and since the divorce our relationship has been strained. My ex confided in him during the separation and told him that he could come live with him full time. Then after he got involved in a long distance relationship he started having him stay with me jointly same as the other kids. Then of course the whole bussing to school thing that my ex made a huge issue of has not helped.

I guess I just feel like the bond could be broken because he's got a big supportive family, and this new GF with the newer home and big income. I don't know, I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 4:17pm

He wouldn't be the first teenager that wanted to live with dad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:19pm

I'm treading lightly here.

You are your kids' mom, you will always be their mom and hold a special place in your dear children's hearts. However, in reading some of your posts elsewhere - you talk about what a jerk your ex-H is and never anything good about him. Perhaps your oldest especially is picking up on the negativity. Also, you sound like you have a great relationship, from reading at another venue. Sounds like you have both moved on and everyone is making the best of the situation.

I doubt if it matters if your Ex husband's girlfriend is a geneticist or a waitress, the children could just be looking for a consistent and stable environment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:45am
Yes he's only got about 3 more years till he's an adult. I don't know why I let it bother me that the ex seems to forget that I contribute to their lives just as much. Seems every time my son and I get to a good place in our relationship and are able to sit around the house and talk and laugh something happens. My ex has made me out to be the heavy over something stupid like the bus issue. I do what I can, hopefully it makes a difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 6:02pm

You have my sympathy. I seem to be going through some of the same emotions you are and I know how much it hurts. My ex is constantly setting up competitions and urging the kids to view his new wife as Mom, just like me. Mine are seeing through it, though and are starting to resent it.

However, it's really hard to "compete" even when you have a good Mom/child bond when he dangles all sorts of carrots in front of the older ones: no rules, money handed to them, a 52" TV, cool vacations, promises of cars, etc. That household is much more affluent than mine. I'm the one who makes them study, enforces curfews and manners, etc. It's a real pickle--I don't have a solution either.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 6:13pm

Yes it's certainly difficult. Right now he lives in a two bedroom apartment and the kids sleep on mattresses on the floor, but I know that he'll be moved into her home pretty soon and what kid will say no to a house with a pool, trampoline and all the toys?

My home is very modest, I've put a lot of time and energy into fixing things up, but it's not like her home by any stretch of the imagination. She has a lot to say about how my money problems are due to the fact that I need to find a different place to live and that I should give up on the "extras". Funny opinion from someone that gets alimony and child support! My ex and I agreed he wouldn't pay child support and would instread pay half of their expenses. Dumb idea on my part!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:54am

I have three children.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:27pm

Thank you Di!!!! Your words do mean alot. His new GF didn't take him away from me they met after our divorce was final. The problem I have is that I WANTED the divorce and now I'm being punished for it. Anytime there's an issue where the ex says I'm losing my son he says it's because I wanted the divorce.

Yeah I'm no saint, I fell out of love with my husband, but does that mean I have to lose my kids for it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 4:59pm

Nope, it does it means you have to come to terms with the decision you made and stop letting him punish you and realize that subconsciously you are punishing yourself.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

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