Major Depression-Need Help!
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| Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:28pm |
Hello! I'm 31, and have been divorced for a year and a half now. We had no kids together.
Here's the thing, I haven't had a serious relationship since my divorce. I've dated here and there. Well, during the month of May I chatted with a man I met online named "Chad" through e-mail. I was taking it slow and determined not to get hurt. Then, after a month we talked on the phone and had a wonderful two hour conversation. We met for lunch the next week, and he was very interested in seeing me again on Saturday and Sunday. He went on and on about how fun I was to be around and how beautiful I was. These were nice things to hear since my ex never complimented me. I really started trusting Chad and then, yes, it was a mistake, but we had sex way too soon, but I thought he really cared about me and he's the first person I've had sex with since my ex.
He freaked out after we had sex, and started ignoring my phone calls. But, we finally talked, agreed to slow things down, and he told me he still really enjoyed my company. Then we just made out another night, and same thing, he went on and on about me. We made plans to see a movie Saturday, and he blew me off, b/c he met another woman in a bar the night before. So, two days after making out with me, he informed me he'd met someone else.
Just typing all this, I realize this guy is a major jerk, yet, I have been so depressed since he rejected me. I cry every day, and don't understand why! He treated me awful, yet I still think about him all the time. I find myself getting SO lonely since my divorce and I know this is why I'm sad. Even though it was brief with Chad, it was nice having someone in my life again and actually having sex again.
Does anyone think I'm so depressed because he's the first person I opened my heart to since my divorce and then he used me and dumped me? I'm seriously thinking about calling the pastor at my church to deal with this. Friends and family have tried to help me, but there's only so much they can do. It makes me sick that I want to call Chad and talk with him. I know I'm better than this and I'm tired of being so depressed to the point of it interfering with my daily activities.
Any feedback will be appreciated! :)
Michelle

Hi Cmichelle75,
I'm sorry you are so sad. Try not to get down on yourself. Many many people are going through the same kind of thing and have the same kinds of feelings. It's very very very very hard feeling lonely, and then feeling like you were rejected too on top of it really hurts.
Sometimes when we are rejected, it isn't about us at all, but more about what/who the other person thinks they have to have in their lives to feel better about themselves, like they get a certain image of a person that they think can make up for their own lack of self worth. I'm really beginning to think none of us can really know another person anyway, after reading about how many people are shocked at what their own spouses of many years end up doing.
I think talking to your pastor is a good idea, and also a counselor who specializes in depression as well. There is a good book called Rebuilding too, that I got from my counselor. He actually had a 10 week workshop I went to that was based on the steps in the book which was very helpful to me. The book is easy to read. I still am lonely and depressed at times, but there is a lot of good advice in the book, and when I follow it I do feel better.
Some of the advice that my counselor tried to pound in our head the most, which was in the book too, was to do any and every nice thing for ourselves we can think of, be it things that are fun, or relaxing, or invigorating for us or whatever, just whatever we enjoyed. Even if somedays you are so busy you only have time to squeeze in the littlest things, it can make at least some difference. He made us share every week with everyone what we did good for ourselves that past week.
He also stressed support systems very heavily - family and friends of course - but we also had an assignment to call at least one person in our group every week even if it was only to talk for a few minutes.
If you were to be able to find that exact workshop in your area where you live on line, that would be great, but otherwise at least the book. I don't know how widespread the groups are offered, but have seen on line that there are other groups out there as well. Maybe you could look for a group in your area that is for anyone who is greiving loss through divorce or death. It doesn't matter if it's been a year and a half since your divorce. In my group, there were a few girls who had been divorced a year, a guy who had been divorced for two years, two women whose husbands had passed away, a girl who was facing a possible divorce, and a few like me who were still going through the divorce process. It helped us all immensly to be around other people who were in the same boat.
I suppose some groups out there might just end up dwelling too much on the negative but there must also be others that focus more on helping people move onto happiness.
Keep coming here because from what I can see so far here, there are a lot of people who do give good advice or at least are very supportive.
I honestly do understand the depression you feel. I am so depressed and unmotivated to even do anything to help myself at times, and it's one step forward and two steps back sometimes, but I know I have to at least try because no one is going to be able to do it for me. I have to do good for me things whether I feel like it or not.
Take care and keep in touch,
Tgirl
Thank you so much for your kind words! They really do help! I am hanging in there and just keep telling myself that things will get better.
Michelle
Michelle,
Glad to lend an ear and provide support. We've all been there at one time or another.
What you had was a "rebound" relationship. Just count yourself lucky you didn't run directly into living together or get married THEN realize you made a mistake! And, by all means, be very careful you don't get pregnant with someone whom you really don't want to see regularly for the rest of your life.
Divorce is a huge emotional rejection, and one of the things we do is look for affirmation - from another person usually - and we wind up getting our hearts dashed on the rocks again. While we might know in our minds it's not smart to date too quickly, it's very
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Actually, I am doing a lot better. I got out of the house yesterday and then went and had a blast with my friend! I can say that today is the first time I really feel like I'm moving on with my life and ready to forget about "Chad." I feel a lot stronger mentally.
The support everyone has given me here is great and I really appreciate it! :)
Michelle
Michelle,
Glad to hear you're feeling so much better. I noticed that CL-Wisdomtooth mentioned the same "Rebuilding" book that I had mentioned. I was too tired to rememeber the author's name at the time I mentioned it, or to get up and go get it from the book, but it's the exact same book. I think a lot of people could benefit from some of it, whether they just ended a relationship, or even if it was years ago.
Keep doing fun things and take care of yourself,
Tgirl
Suggestion, learn when to get out of a "destructive" realtionship. Learn when to recognize a blessing....and it is a blessing he's gone. Learn from this short relationship and become a better person because of it. Self respect and boundries in our life are important. Don't cry, hold your head high and know that this didn't mean YOU were a bad person, or not good enough. Get your self esteem back. Want a good book to read? Try "Co-dependent No More." I think you'll find yourself in it as we all do.
You may want to try some counseling - especially if you could get it free thru an EAP program w/your work or something...if you are feeling that he used & dumped you, then you're probably dealing w/some self-esteem stuff...often divorce or any life change can leave you second guessing yourself etc. There are tons of men out there - and so what that you had sex w/him...as long as you protected yourself - many people like sex - lol - and sometimes it is better w/a partner...but men are different than women - they don't get emotional about sex like we often do - it's a challenge for women to see sex as just sex, but often it is - unless you are intimately connected in other ways as well...hang in there...
Laurel :)
www.buildingwithbelief.com