Make the guilt go away!
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| Wed, 09-28-2005 - 3:43pm |
I left an addict and an emotionally abusive man after 10 years of marriage. We have 2 children together.
I never really tried to "fix" him, but I would always think of ways to leave. I know I cannot change him or his behaviors. The day I went looking for a place to live was the worse day of my life. I felt so yucky, so terrible inside. He looked so pathetic watching me leave.
But even as the divorce procedings are begining to take place, I still cannot get rid of this guilty feeling. I feel bad for him, but I know I need a fresh start in my life. I need to disassociate from him somehow - with 2 kids it is so difficult. I can't just cut him out of my life. I know I did the best I could and Lord knows I put up with a lot of BS from him, but somehow I can't tell myself that it's OK. Relax. Chill.
He tried everything to get me to stay - anger, threats, sadness, remorse, barganing, you name it, but I just can't get him to understand that no matter how much "he loves me", I think he should have done a better job at showing it than he did. Smoking pot in front of your children and hiding it from me is no way to have an honest relationship. Belittling and humilating me is no way to show your "love" either.
I looked at his habit the same way you would look at a husband having an affair with another woman. Of course, I would tell him my thoughts on this, and naturally, I was the crazy one. All kinds of other issues existed as well, which I won't go into.
Outsiders don't seem to understand what they can't see. Who can really tell when someone is emotionally abused? My ex was really good at hiding his anger with the world from everyone execpt me. I was the receptacle for all his emotions. Everyone thought he was ok. Little did they know. That's why I have this guilt, maybe, because he didn't beat me up, although we did have a few physical fights.
All I know is he sucked the joy right out of life. I hated him at one point, was scared of him at another, and would be humilated and embarassed by him at another. All this wore me out. I was beginging accept this as normal, to mirror his behavior, in that I would just jump right in and argue back, 'til I was blue in the face or crying myself to sleep.
I guess what I am looking for is validation. Someone to tell me that this is not normal and I am doing the right thing for myself (and my kids) and that I am not crazy or selfish.
Thanks,
curvygirl68

You are not crazy- I have been separated from my XH since 11/2003 - and I have been divorced since 6/004 - there was emotional abuse, (eventually it turns physical believe me), at first he would always say mean things then say he was joking and that I can't take a joke, and it got meaner and meaner by the years. He also was addicted to pot, cocaine, and alcohol.
I am telling you it might not feel like it but you are doing the best thing ever! Stay strong this is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
Good luck and Hugs!!! Christina
Hello! Sounds just like my STBX, scary. He is a complete pot head, he smokes a few times a day and doesn't really thing there is anything wrong with it. I was most definatley emotionally abused by his lying to me face about everything and talking to me like I was a piece of dirt under his shoe. No one should be treated like that, ever. He is/was very good a manipulating me and making me feel sorry for him and that is hard. I have always taken care of him and to stop doing it is hard. The sooner you realize he is just trying to use you the better off you will be. Don't make my mistake of being sucked into the BS just to be hurt like hell and you feel really stupid too! I'm sure he really loves you just like mine really loves me but, they have a warped sense of what love really is. I've told my ex that I know he loves me and I do love him but, it's not the kind of love that I ultimately want. I want a partner not another kid, one that cares if I'm so stressed out I can't sleep and one that won't treat me like he hates me when we fight. Oh sorry, I just turned this into my venting post,lol! What I am trying to get across is you have nothing to feel guilty about. Our happiness is just as important as thiers! Good luck!
Jessica
Boy, you sound very similar to me. My husband is an addict. He was very passive though, but he was good at putting all the blame on me. He manipulated in a very passive way.
You said: "I looked at his habit the same way you would look at a husband having an affair with another woman. Of course, I would tell him my thoughts on this, and naturally, I was the crazy one."
Even my husband said his drug is his mistress. But he always seemed to turn things around to make me look like I was being unreasonable! I felt so beat down because I just wanted him to own up to his part in our marital problems. It took me a long time to finally kick him out. Well, I did it once, but took him back. But this time it looks like it's for good. (Keep me strong) But I felt like he couldn't take care of himself and without me he would end up back on the street. So it was that guilt that kept me with him for longer than I should have been.
This time I don't really know where the strength has come from and I'm struggling every day to keep it up. But when he came home from a 3-day binge I told him he needed to pack his things and leave. I took him to a motel and he stayed for a week and continued to binge. He called me and asked me to get a payday loan for him. I almost did. Fortunately I had a moment to think about it and talk with someone about it and I called him back and told him I couldn't do it. Then he disappeared for 4 days. I had no idea where he was and no way to get in touch with him. I was beside myself. I was so afraid that he was in a ditch somewhere or in a crack house somewhere. But you know what, he called me one morning and he had actually done the right thing and gone back to work and found help. He has been clean since then which has been a month and I know he could binge at any moment, but so far he is being responsible. So that lets me know that he can take care of himself. On the one hand that helped me with the guilt, but on the other hand it is making me a little weak. I have been tempted to take him back, but I keep reminding myself what it was like to live with him and how unhappy and anxious I was with him. I had never had a panic attack until I met him.
So anyway, your feelings are totally normal and I guess you and I will both struggle with these types of feelings for a while. But, if we stay strong and continue to walk on our path, we will shake those feelings off and be much happier. If you ever want to feel free to email me through my profile.
Take care!
Sending you an enormous pile of validation, curvygirl!
I hope it helps to hear that I, too, have had many of the very same thoughts that you have. You will also discover that many of the posters on this board have also left emotionally abusive relationships. You are not alone. I was married for along time to a verbally abusive and extremely controlling man--the second time I got hit was the end!
I urge you to educate yourself about recovery from abuse, read books, seek therapy if you can, join a support group, continue reading/posting here. Your emotional state will improve. When we are so beaten down in a relationship, we begin to doubt our own competence. I have discovered that I really CAN trust my intuition and I really AM a competent and worthwhile human being.
I try to feel compassion for my ex because he truly is emotionally disabled, he is simply not able to have the respectful and loving relationship that I needed. Please try to remember that addiction is a disease, not a choice. It's not your fault, no matter what he says and you are correct that you cannot cure him. Have you ever considered al-anon?
I wish you the very best in your new life. Taking care of yourself and your children is neither crazy nor selfish!
Take care of yourself,
Cupcake
I agree with girlygirlsad....
It is so important to STAY STRONG.
It may not feel right now, but you are almost never aware of the benefits of something like this until after it's done.
I now thank my husband for leaving me. He left me with no job, pregnant, he left our son and left us with NO MONEY... I thought my world was over. I never expected it. I didn't see it coming. He told me he loved me until the day he left.
Now, I thank him. Because I am MUCH better off now than I ever was or would be with him.....it took me 2 years to get here, but here I am.... and you said yourself the reasons that you need to leave.
Hugs to you sweetie.
Angelena