Manipulation? dd lied to STBX today ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Manipulation? dd lied to STBX today ...
9
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:21pm

I am pretty aggravated about it- its not like its not bad ENOUGH w/o her saying something that isnt true. She doesnt know i know, MIL told me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:42pm

I recall that when my DD was 5, the truth and reality were kind of fluid with her. Their thinking is not always so concrete as one might think, and yes, lies sometimes pop out to fill an uncomfortable social gap. You've heard the old joke about the first day of Kindergarten? (5 & 6 year olds) Where the Mom & the Kindergarten teacher exchsnge notes about how each should not completely trust every bad thing the child might claim about the other?

I approve of your talking to DD about it, though you should probably keep it short and be careful because she is going to be listening not only to your words, but to a larger message communicated by the tone of your voice, how far this is from your usual topics, things like that. If you thought your Ex would actually have her interviewed for court I might say you shouldn't talk to her at all, too much room for mis-interpretation.

It probably IS safe to tell her that she needs to be very careful, now that she's a big girl, to tell people the actual truth. People will listen to her now, and more and more as she grows, so the truth is important. Others around her might get their feelings hurt. (Not mentioning you, too great a load.)

When my DD was 4, I got a telephone that has a few personal preset numbers for automatic dial. Most of the new phones have that feature. I put her father's phone number in as Pre-Set Number 1. (First place, top priority.) And showed her how to use it. I think that sends a real message. Don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:21am

Thanks Rose. Your points are well taken. I do know that this age kiddo tends to tell stories - but its really unlike here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:26am

I think you are doing a great job with Avery. I think all you are doing and all you are taking on your shoulders in making sure she keeps in touch with her father is admirable to say the least.


I think this is also an important reminder that kids are people too. My son has come home telling me ( he is 6 ) some things about Dad's house that I doubt are true, I have learned to weed out the truth and the un-truth. They have their own minds and in some ways I think they are just confused. Especially at this age. It is nothing you are doing. I think your doing a great job. It's just the age.


I think just a gentle reminder that it's not ok to tell things that aren't true in general would do it. I wouldn't pinpoint daddy exactly because I think that she may gain a fear of telling things in general with regards to you to her father/in laws and with regards to her father with you.... see what I mean?


Hugs to you.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:44am

You're right there to - I *want* her to be able to tell me things about her Father if she is concerned about them - especially given his history.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 9:43pm

My first thought when I read the title was.... I wonder where she learned that!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:54pm

The thing is, she can & does call him anytime she wants - thats not an issue at all. She has truly never been told by me she cant call him except once when i knew he was in

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 9:56am

I feel like it has more to do with her feeling "guilty" that she doesn't want to call him... as often as you suggest it.... and it's easier for her to blame you than to admit to her dad that she's the real reason she doesn't call more often.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:09pm
Yes, so far time has made it easier for all of us ... Thanks!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:42pm

My daughter does the same thing.

At 5, she's already figured out it's easier to lie and blame me than it is to stick with the truth or stand up for herself when it comes to her dad. When he bugs her about calling him, it's easier for her to say mommy doesn't let me, because the blames on me, and he lays off. If she told him the truth... that she really doesn't want to or doesn't remember, then he'd probably lay into her about it.

I've talked to her about it, because I kept getting these emails from him about how I don't let them call him and about a few other things. So, one day I asked her about it casually, and she said that she lies to him so she won't get in trouble.

Since he was verbally/emotionally abusive to me, we had a talk about how it's really important to always tell the truth, but that I know how daddy can be. I also told her to try to stand up for herself and the truth when she could, but if she was scared, it's ok to lie to him. And, I told her if she ever felt bad, she could talk to me about it.

I didn't know what else to do. I've taped their phone conversations, so I've heard how he gets on her case about stuff. He's already bullying her, and she's only 5.

I ask her 2-3 times a week if she wants to call him, and she says no 90% of the times. My 3 year old DS usually says yes, but I don't think he's affected by his dad's manipulation and intimidation yet.