Many losses

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Many losses
23
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 4:48pm

Well I went to see a therapist, because I'm not getting over this divorce very easy. She said next to a death in the family, divorce is the next biggest grief. She said, you have so many losses. Your family, friends, lifestyle, home. You loose all that, and people want you to just be okay. I realize, many people get over it very quickly.....but I didn't, I feel very alone, and unhappy, and I miss my old life. If anyone has a similar story, or advice, I would love to hear it.

Thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: pink331
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 7:58pm
M, My children are 11 and 13 now, 9 and 11 when this nightmare began. My oldest is and has been so angry from the begining. He has even threatened to kill himself. He says he hate his father. Deep in his heart I know he really doesn't. My little one is just so sad. The slightest things set him off. Just as recently as Saturday he cried to me once again and told me he doesn't want Momma and Daddy to be divorced. In the first year and a half their grades were in the toilet. OS was failing a couple of subjects. This was new because they had both been great students before. Their grades are slowly becoming better, Thank God. It is like they have lost the lust for life. They truely don't care about anything anymore. OS and his father are always at one another. OS has even runaway to my house to get away from his Dad. The hardest things I've ever done is have to return him. I want to protect him. Both boys have picked up my coping mechanism of eating for comfort. They have both gained a ton of weight to the point of being fat. I don't understand how their father can look into their anguished little faces and not come home. He is hurting them so badly. They are afraid to express their opinion of the divorce to their father because he abandon me when he didn't love me, what if this could happen to them. I know others who's children did well after divorce. In my case that isn't so. My children are afraid, angry, and sad. They were as shocked as I was the day my ex served me. Things weren't perfect, but they weren't that bad.
Take care. Hugs, Brenda
PS I hope for us that divorce isn't like a never ending funeral. May God Bless Us All.

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: pink331
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 9:41pm

Oh I am SO so sorry, for you and for your boys. Do they see the school counselor or other therapists? If your insurance covers it, I would definitely send them. Family therapy for the three of you might help.

It breaks my heart to hear how powerfully it affects them. I hope it gets better soon for all of you.

Please, as a person of faith, look into DivorceCare for both you and the boys. I think it may be marvelous and a gift and help you all try to build a life for the future.

I will pray!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:26am

Hello Pink,

I wasn't married but exclusive with someone for 5 years and been engaged for 1.5 and now it's coming to an end.

I agree 100% this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Very different then a death in the family in certain ways.

It's a very fresh loss for me and I feel like a ghost. I don't know what to do. It's a very depressing situation. So much time invested. I loved her child from her previous marriage so much and now it's all gone.

I'm going to try to better myself and focus on my defects in the mean time. I've always been somewhat retarded (and I don't mean that to be rude to anyone) when it comes to relationships. I don't know HOW to show love. I don't know why that is. It's so tough for me and once again it has now killed me.

I feel like such a lost soul.

I'm having such a hard time. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:42am

Your therapist is spot on. I have been apart from my ex for 7 months and divorced for 3 months and there are still days when I feel like wailing, just letting go and really crying hard -- so I do. Then I have other days when things are bright and positive.

I miss my old life, too. I miss him, I miss our converstions, I miss our snuggles, I miss making love, I miss talking about the world, I miss our family life, I miss so many, many things. It would be odd if we did not miss our previous lives, eh?

I know it will change for you and for me. This week is very, VERY hard for me. Not because of V-Day but because we would have been together for 6 years on Thursday. It's the day we met, it's also the day we got married. I am going to give myself permission to do 2 things that day. 1 - Watch the wedding video and have a box of tissues handy and 2 - do something lovely for myself, get a manicure, or a massage.

We can grieve but we also have to move on. I am thinking of you Pink -- you are not alone!

E




Edited 2/13/2007 12:43 am ET by book_gurl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:09am
M, I get therapy. My ex won't allow the boys to. We have talked about it but he doesn't believe it and he truely doesn't think there is anything wrong with them. I wish there was a Divorce care close to me. The nearest one is 45miles away and I just can't afford the gas. I will continue to pray for the return of my husband and for my children. That is all I know to do. Thanks for the prayers. I will pray for you too.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:23am

Brenda,


If your kids have threatened suicide... it's not your husband's choice as to whether or not they should have therapy.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:42am

Hi, pink,


I'm so glad you have this wonderful community to help you deal with your relationship problems.

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:07pm

I agree with Karen; enlist the school couselors; the boys poor grades are sign enough they may need help. Get the court's help if necessary.

As for praying for your h's return -- I know I do not know what it is like for you, but I think it is safe to say that none of you will heal until you pray for the future, not the past. After this long you need to move on to have a life for you and your boys. Yes, acknowledge the grief and pain, but keep moving forward too.

At least that is my advice to myself.

I hope it gets better!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:57pm
Hey Karen, Things are better for me. I am making progress. The boys just aren't. I have had the school counselor looking in on the boys. So far that is enough. I make sure we have a wide range of open communication. They know they can talk to me about anything. I do worry about the older one. I talk with my therapist about him and she gives me tips on what I need to watch for and need to do. I know in my heart if they had a solid family unit this wouldn't be happening that is why I pray for ex's return.
Thanks for the advice.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: pink331
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:02pm
M, I am praying for the future. A future with the man I have been in love with for over 20years. He is my best friend, my soul mate. I know that sounds rediculous. I know the likely hood of him coming home is slim. I also know it will take a mircle from God. During this time I am working on me. I am so much better off emotionally and phsycally. I have even managed to lose 77#. I do plan for the future. I plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Well I need to get back to work.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda