Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus
16
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:08am
Well my marriage has been destroyed because of an accusation of sexual abuse that was made in Jan. this year, from my daughter. The sad thing is the CPT did not find any evidence to whether it is true or not. My husband says he did not do it and my daughter says he did. No physical evidence, no witnesses, so how do I know. How do I ever know? Because of this accusation and there being no actual proof, he was never arrested, never charged, how do we go on? The CPT had us both sign a "Saftey Plan" Keep in mind there is nothing legal this is all "volantary", He is to not be alone with the children. We have three by the way. He is to go to conciling, and she is to continue with conciling. Because of my own unsurity of his innocence he has decided to leave me and has since moved in with another woman. SO my question is how do I move on and how do I deal with my marriage ending when I didn't want it to end. I loved my husband, I still probably do. Does love die after thirteen years in just a few months? Any ideas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 4:16am
How old is your dd? When was the alleged abuse supposed to have happened, recently, long ago?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:57am
As hard as it may be to accept that your husband may have done this to your daughter, you owe it to her to believe it. Unless they are emotionally disturbed, children do not make stories like this up. Please, think of her first she is hurting more than any of you and will carry these scars with her for the rest of her life. Now not only did she most likely suffer at the hands of her father, but now her mother is doubting her anguish. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but to me losing the marriage is not the top priority here - your child is.
Melanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:59am
She is 12, but says it was happening for a year or two. She never showed fear or reluctance to be with her father. She never gave any outward signs something was happening. I never saw any inclination to something like that from my husband either. If it was someone else beside my daughter I would say she was lying. Which is odd because my daughter has had issues with lying since she was 5, when we divorced the first time. Yes I am one of those who remarried her ex. That is another reason I still don't know who is lying to me about this, she has a history of lying, never about something this serious, and as far as I know the H has never lied to me. Saying that all I can think of is all the other women who get in this situation, most never suspect it was going on, they say she is lying and find out months or years later the child wasn't lying. I could never live with myself if I did that to my baby. So instead I chosse to stand behind my daughter, even knowing the changes in her story to me, the CPT, and to a friend, ALL because of an accusation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:10am
I know. That is why I am living with my mom, why I don't allow him alone with the girls, even though there is nothing legal to stop him. Just his respect for my wishes. Kinda funny, I could believe he possible did something so horrible, but trust him from my gut to keep his word. Of course what choice do I have. With nothing legally against him, he could do whatever he wanted really. That is one reason I am worried about when I file for divorce, with nothing legal how do I ensure their safety? Hell, I had my app. with the State Attor. office almost two months ago and never heard back from them. But why should I think anyone would be helpful now, the cops didn't even talk to the H for three weeks after the accusation was made. That was even when they knew where he was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 10:46am

I was sexually abused as a child from the time I was 10 until I essentially ran away from home at 17. My rapist was a friend of the family.

Based on my real life experience, I consider myself an expert in the field.

Pedophiles are very well practiced and target specific children. The target child is most often a kid who will easily fall through the cracks of normal every day monitoring because their family situation is already out of control -- one of the parents is an addict, a family member is very ill, etc etc.

When children are sexually molested, its likely that the predator has hooked them into this by engaging them in illegal, inappropriate or shameful behaviour. In my case, my rapist let me smoke cigarettes and drink beer. And once I was compromised, he'd get down and dirty. I was hooked because if I accused him of doing anything, I'd have to admit to smoking and drinking at age 11.

So the predator is going to manipulate good/bad/right and wrong with shame and embarrassment. And failing that, there's good old threats of physical harm. So kids tend to not want to dsicuss this subject. This is what pedophiles do.

Does any part of this sound like behaviours you witnessed?

One thing you know for certain -- someone is lying.

When assessing an adult as a potential predator, I do the following
- My intuition about how creepy they seem, its like "gay-dar", but for pedophile predators.
- The perpatraitor was very likely sexually abused as a child AND HAS NOT ADDRESSED as an adult.
- The adult displays compulsive behaviour in other areas.

When assessing the child, you want to look for
- acting out against other kids, like starting fights, cursing, touching. Be especially aware of promiscuous behaviour that is inappropriate for the age of the child.
- Mood swings, to extremes, that is inappropriate for the age. (teens a tweens are moody, but are they "too" moody.)
- under what circumstances does the child talk about the abuse. The tendancy is for the child to remain silent well into their adult years unless in the care of a councelor.

So first, I'd get to the bottom. You do not have the full story. And the current details do not form a coherrent tail.

If your husband is did in fact do this, you need to know because the period of abuse probably went on a lot longer than your daughter has stated. I'd suggest a polygraph. (While not admissable in court, they are a strong indicator of truth.) If he did this, he should not have access to this child for years, along with other proven steps, like AA for pedophiles, counceling, et al.

Its possible that your daughter falsely accused her dad. My step daughters at that age had been very well conditioned by my ex-wife to be manipulative and cruel to men.

Children will act out against adults they trust, depending on the circumstances of who she told people about this. Let's say she was abused by a male teacher or a grand-parent. A child might acuse her daddy because he's a lot less scary than the other person.

What I am not hearing are other artifacts of your family life that would convince me one way or the other. I would like to hear more from you regarding your family life during the period of time in question. What was your daughter like -- she would have been 9 or 10, was she sexually suggestive at this age?, was she acting out against boys? Was she uncomfortably close her father? What prompted her to discuss her abuse? Was she raped? Was she touched? Was your husband a drunk or drug addict? Is he compulsive? How was your sex life during thsi period in time? Does/did your hsuband demonstrate an unusual attraction for children? Is your husband a control freak?

Based on the limited amount of information, I'd say that your daughter was abused, but not by your husband. Is there another male adult who has unfettered access to your daughter (brother, cousin, uncle, grand parent, neighbor)?. If I knew more, I'd change my opinion.

If you would like, I will respond to a future post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:04pm

I don't think that there's enough info to proclaim this to be true, but it certainly is a possibility.

From a survivor of multiple sexual abusers,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:51pm
I hope you listen to your daughter. Make sure she gets counseling. You will be helped if you get some counseling also. This will effect the rest of her life. Make sure you talk to your kids about this and assure them that they can tell you anything and that you will not let anything happen to them or to you. God bless. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:36am

Hi...


I think that you HAVE to believe your child.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:53am

The abuse aside, your marriage has ended. I'm sorry for that being difficult for you! Are you in counseling, too? If not, perhaps it would help you to do so.

Getting over a marriage or a LTR is not easy. It's a loss that requires grieving no matter how good or how bad it was. Give yourself time. Again, this is something that counseling would probably help you with.

I must say that his moving in with another woman after this accusation was only made 5.5 months ago? Was there something going on with the other woman before this? Before you separated? That's kind of odd.

As far as your dd goes, what does her counselor say to you? Has there been any indication from the counselor about whether the counselor believes her?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 3:27am
The counseler believes something happened. No nothing was going on with the H and this woman, as far as I know. We had a good marriage, a good sex life. We had issues just like everyone else but nothing marriage killing. I am standing with my daughter because she is my baby and it is what a mother is supposed to do. Are there moments when I want to scream at her til she tells me the truth, yes honestly there are. I am human, but I don't BECAUSE I love her and I could never live with myself if this is true and I treated her like a liar. Just like there are moments when I could take a baseball bat to him to get the truth from him. I am not allowed those moments though because I have to be the strong one. I have to hold it all together for my kids, my H, me, I am the only one trying to ensure there is a healthy relationship after it all settles. He is angry that I can even consider he would do this horrible thing. The kids don't even know what to think. Me, I just wish I was not here in this life. Then I think about how much worse off I could be. We are all alive, reasonably healthy, and I have the girls with me every day while he only gets to see them once a week. There are days when it is all too much. Those are the days I watch my words and the tone I use. I am doing the best I can and every day I feel like I am failing to do enough, be enough.

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