Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus
Find a Conversation
Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus
| Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:08am |
Well my marriage has been destroyed because of an accusation of sexual abuse that was made in Jan. this year, from my daughter. The sad thing is the CPT did not find any evidence to whether it is true or not. My husband says he did not do it and my daughter says he did. No physical evidence, no witnesses, so how do I know. How do I ever know? Because of this accusation and there being no actual proof, he was never arrested, never charged, how do we go on? The CPT had us both sign a "Saftey Plan" Keep in mind there is nothing legal this is all "volantary", He is to not be alone with the children. We have three by the way. He is to go to conciling, and she is to continue with conciling. Because of my own unsurity of his innocence he has decided to leave me and has since moved in with another woman. SO my question is how do I move on and how do I deal with my marriage ending when I didn't want it to end. I loved my husband, I still probably do. Does love die after thirteen years in just a few months? Any ideas?

Pages
Melanie
I was sexually abused as a child from the time I was 10 until I essentially ran away from home at 17. My rapist was a friend of the family.
Based on my real life experience, I consider myself an expert in the field.
Pedophiles are very well practiced and target specific children. The target child is most often a kid who will easily fall through the cracks of normal every day monitoring because their family situation is already out of control -- one of the parents is an addict, a family member is very ill, etc etc.
When children are sexually molested, its likely that the predator has hooked them into this by engaging them in illegal, inappropriate or shameful behaviour. In my case, my rapist let me smoke cigarettes and drink beer. And once I was compromised, he'd get down and dirty. I was hooked because if I accused him of doing anything, I'd have to admit to smoking and drinking at age 11.
So the predator is going to manipulate good/bad/right and wrong with shame and embarrassment. And failing that, there's good old threats of physical harm. So kids tend to not want to dsicuss this subject. This is what pedophiles do.
Does any part of this sound like behaviours you witnessed?
One thing you know for certain -- someone is lying.
When assessing an adult as a potential predator, I do the following
- My intuition about how creepy they seem, its like "gay-dar", but for pedophile predators.
- The perpatraitor was very likely sexually abused as a child AND HAS NOT ADDRESSED as an adult.
- The adult displays compulsive behaviour in other areas.
When assessing the child, you want to look for
- acting out against other kids, like starting fights, cursing, touching. Be especially aware of promiscuous behaviour that is inappropriate for the age of the child.
- Mood swings, to extremes, that is inappropriate for the age. (teens a tweens are moody, but are they "too" moody.)
- under what circumstances does the child talk about the abuse. The tendancy is for the child to remain silent well into their adult years unless in the care of a councelor.
So first, I'd get to the bottom. You do not have the full story. And the current details do not form a coherrent tail.
If your husband is did in fact do this, you need to know because the period of abuse probably went on a lot longer than your daughter has stated. I'd suggest a polygraph. (While not admissable in court, they are a strong indicator of truth.) If he did this, he should not have access to this child for years, along with other proven steps, like AA for pedophiles, counceling, et al.
Its possible that your daughter falsely accused her dad. My step daughters at that age had been very well conditioned by my ex-wife to be manipulative and cruel to men.
Children will act out against adults they trust, depending on the circumstances of who she told people about this. Let's say she was abused by a male teacher or a grand-parent. A child might acuse her daddy because he's a lot less scary than the other person.
What I am not hearing are other artifacts of your family life that would convince me one way or the other. I would like to hear more from you regarding your family life during the period of time in question. What was your daughter like -- she would have been 9 or 10, was she sexually suggestive at this age?, was she acting out against boys? Was she uncomfortably close her father? What prompted her to discuss her abuse? Was she raped? Was she touched? Was your husband a drunk or drug addict? Is he compulsive? How was your sex life during thsi period in time? Does/did your hsuband demonstrate an unusual attraction for children? Is your husband a control freak?
Based on the limited amount of information, I'd say that your daughter was abused, but not by your husband. Is there another male adult who has unfettered access to your daughter (brother, cousin, uncle, grand parent, neighbor)?. If I knew more, I'd change my opinion.
If you would like, I will respond to a future post.
I don't think that there's enough info to proclaim this to be true, but it certainly is a possibility.
From a survivor of multiple sexual abusers,
Hi...
I think that you HAVE to believe your child.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
The abuse aside, your marriage has ended. I'm sorry for that being difficult for you! Are you in counseling, too? If not, perhaps it would help you to do so.
Getting over a marriage or a LTR is not easy. It's a loss that requires grieving no matter how good or how bad it was. Give yourself time. Again, this is something that counseling would probably help you with.
I must say that his moving in with another woman after this accusation was only made 5.5 months ago? Was there something going on with the other woman before this? Before you separated? That's kind of odd.
As far as your dd goes, what does her counselor say to you? Has there been any indication from the counselor about whether the counselor believes her?
Pages