Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Marriage destroyed by sexual abuse accus
16
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:08am
Well my marriage has been destroyed because of an accusation of sexual abuse that was made in Jan. this year, from my daughter. The sad thing is the CPT did not find any evidence to whether it is true or not. My husband says he did not do it and my daughter says he did. No physical evidence, no witnesses, so how do I know. How do I ever know? Because of this accusation and there being no actual proof, he was never arrested, never charged, how do we go on? The CPT had us both sign a "Saftey Plan" Keep in mind there is nothing legal this is all "volantary", He is to not be alone with the children. We have three by the way. He is to go to conciling, and she is to continue with conciling. Because of my own unsurity of his innocence he has decided to leave me and has since moved in with another woman. SO my question is how do I move on and how do I deal with my marriage ending when I didn't want it to end. I loved my husband, I still probably do. Does love die after thirteen years in just a few months? Any ideas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 3:54am
She never acted scared of her father or nervous to be with him. She never displayed the "typical" signs of abuse. She didn't act out, no mood swings, is not promiscuos, no violence. She has a history of lying, but nothing this serious. When out with the family on weekends she would hold his hand and mine, give hugs and kisses, have him make music cds for her, he taught her to sew and cook because she showed an interest. She is artistic like him so he taught her to paint. As to he and I, we had a great sex life, a good marriage, he was my best friend and I was his. He has never shown a sexual interest in children, no signs at all. Just out of the blue one day "Get your youngest and come to the older two's school, an accusation has been made by your oldest." The CPT questioned me and the children and sent us home with the only instruction being no contact with the father." I had to tell my two babies what was going on. I had to tell my husband what was going on. The cops didn't talk to the H for 3 weeks,does this sound like they were worried about my family??? even though they knew where he was, the H even told me to tell them to come talk to him. They only talked to him when I finally threatened to go to the media about their incompatence in our case and he threatened to get himself arrested so someone would have to talk to him. They found no physical ev. nothing. Never charged the H, never arrested the H. Then left it to ME to police him with the children since there is nothing LEGAL to keep him supervised with the kids. So what do I do when I have the money for a divorce and he wants joint custody? Keep in mind Nothing legal was ever filed against him.No arrest, no warrent, no charges. Nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:47pm
Are you in counseling?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 6:12pm

Forgive me, but I do not know what the "CPT" acronym means.

First off, I would keep the daughter in counceling. This story just does not sound complete. I'd want to know exactly, word for word, what your daughter said. Was her initial statement video-recorded? Has she spoken or elaborated of her abuse since that first day?

Regardless of what the school says, or the professionsals, you are the parent, and its not only your right but your responsibility to discuss this with her.

The lack of action by the local authorities (police, children's services, et al) means nothing -- its neither an indicator of guilt or innocense.

I would not rush into a divorce. Until you can establish guilt or innocense to your satisfaction, I would do nothing but focus on the daughter. I'd consider a thorough OBY/GYN visit, with a female doctor (clue her in to see if there's any evidence of sexual activity).

I'd also look into the CPT person -- what are their qualifications?, has this happened before? How much of the accusation was your daughter's words versus ideas and conjecture ?

Please stay in touch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 6:34pm
I took it that CPT is the local term for Children's Protective Services where ever the OP is. She did say that there was no physical evidence of abuse. I would assume that the girl has had a physical exam. As for rushing into a divorce, her h has left her and is living with another woman. It's not in her hands. Also, the girl's counselor believes the girl which is a big indicator to me that she is probably telling the truth.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 7:01pm
As hard as it is you have to ask your daughter what happened. If she is upset drop it, but let her know that you do want to talk about it. Listen for key words. Watch how she reacts. There are sexual acts that leave no evidence. Once you talk to her I am sure you will have your answer. There will be plenty of time for you to scream into your pillow. I hope your daughter doesn't tell you what you want to hear. I hope she is honest with you. In other words are you ready to hear what she has to say.
It is very hard when someone you love betray's you so badly. If he has molested your child that is the worst betrayal. Cheating, drugs, gambling, nothing is as bad as this kind of betrayal. I wish you luck, you will need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:07am

Great post oldnimrod.

Its hard to know truthfully but it is good the mom got the child out of the situation and assumed the child is telling the truth. Eventually the truth hopefully will surface.

There was a case locally where a teenage daughter accused her father of sexual abuse, he was removed from the home, brought to trial and then she FINALLY admitted she lied about it only at the point it was going to court, but by then the entire family was torn apart. Divorce happened because he felt betrayed by his wife for not believing him it was a horrible thing for the town because you know how small towns can be, it was in the papers all the time. You are donned a pedophile then it's stated you aren't but for awhile it was thought it was. It was an awful thing for people to get their head around.

Hugs to the OP. I feel for you this must be an impossible situation to be in.

Smile,

Deirdre

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