Marriage Falling Apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Marriage Falling Apart
22
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 1:42pm

Hi Everyone,

I'm probably in the minority here...I'm a husband looking for help...BIG TIME!

My wife has filed for divorce and it is tearing me apart! We've been married 9 yrs (Nov 23) and we have 2 beautiful girls... Bridget 5yrs and Ashley 18 months. Yes I was blindsided...or maybe just blind. But, I know we have our problems...my wife and are complete opposites. I'm romantic, emotional, hell I need the foreplay. My wife doesn't need any of that...so she has told me. When I write her love letters/poems all she has ever said is "That's nice". I'm not asking for alot just....something. But I have accepted that that is who she is. Believe me it has been HARD but.....no one is perfect.

My wife doesn't communicate with me it's hard for her to open up...but I still try. I know that is a HUGE problem...you always need to communicate. So I know we have had problems in the past. I can be too sensitive at times, I know this but I feel I have gotten better...she's even said as much. Hey we can always try to improve ourselve....that's the life journey we're all on. I haven't really seen much of a change in her other than...I hate to use this word but she is...cold.

Anyway, we did have a couple of big fights lately and now I just find out in the mail no less that she retained an attorney for divorce. She didn't even know when she was going to tell me. Afraid of my reaction....ya...my reaction: I fell to my knees and cried on the floor in front of her.....so much pain. I was devastated. She stood there and then walked by me.....

Why?????? taht's all I ask and she says..."I have no feelings for you" and that's supposed to make it ok. You work at it....you fight to save a marriage...what else is worth fighting for. My God, it's just so much for me to handle....my girls ripped from me. I adore them so much. Everything just gone.....

Please I know I went on forever but..PLEASE someone help me. I don't want to lose my marriage. I even set up an appointment for a marriage counselor...highly recommended. She said "I'll see what she has to say, but I think it won't do any good. ". It's soounds so half-hearted...is that really trying?!

We NEED TO TRY WITH ALL WE HAVE.

Thank you for listening...any advice PLEASE.
John

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 2:55pm

I can feel your pain dada....

You haven't said anything, but she sounds like she could be having an affair. It takes two to make a marriage work, it will fail if only one is really into rebuilding. I wish you luck. I think you need more info, if you can get it.

I am sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:41pm

Hi

Thank you for your kind words. Iam going to keep on trying...I have to...what else can I do. It's OUR MARRIAGE. I never thought this would happen to me. Come on...Love last forever right?! Hopeless romantic aren't I..or just too naive...

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:21pm

Hi John,

I felt like I was reading my story, we also have a daughter named bridgette. Long story short. I have been married 7 1/2 years and with him for 13. I thought we had the perfect marriage we never faught, always agreed on things and I also believed til death do you part. The one thing I always noticed was how cold he was, I was always the romantic one, but I just chalked it up to how he was raised. Well I guess it was me. He decided to have an internet affair(if there is such s thing and told me on our 7 year anniversary that he did not love me anymore and was not sure if he ever did. He said he is in love with this internet person that he never met, but feels more for her then me. I like you said lets try to work it out and give it all we have, because I meant my vowels. I actually found him a place to stay while we try and work things out. I applaud you for wanting to keep it all together and giving it your all. I have seen to many people just throw the towell in and say divorce. Not to say that is what the woman/men do on here. I just have seen many of friends do it. I do still love him and always will and have told myself that I am giving it my all for a year from the point of seperation. I think seeing someone may help you both out, if not for your wife, but maybe just help you figure things out and some ideas to help you with the marriage. My husband was negative to the whole thing so it did not help us out much. You sound like you are a rare guy, just stick with your gut and do what is in your heart. At least if your kids ever ask you can say you gave 100percent to trying to work things out, and feel good about that. I hope this makes sense I have my 2 year old on my lap :-) If you ever want to chat feel free to email me, I have and still am going through what you are. On a side note. How is your snow? I live in Maine and we got hit big time. Goodluck and Take Care, rock23

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 9:44am

Hi Rock23,

Thank you for all your kind words...it means alot to me!

Wow! You and I have very, very similar stories..that's scary. And here I thought I was alone and that this just doesn't happen...but I guess it does. Such a shame.

I want you to know you are incredible....you TRIED FOR ALL IT WAS WORTH!

I can't believe your husband could leave you and your beautiful daughter Bridgette. (Geez even the name....is the same). I can't imagine how people can do this.

You are a survivor.

Thank you for offering to talk...I would like to email you. Nothing like 2 people going thru the exact same thing together. I think you can click my profile and my email is there. Thanks again.... oh and we had about 7/8 inches around here and I guess more coming on Friday...

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:21am

Hi Again,

If you ever want to chat feel free to email me at funmom2_two@yahoo. Moderator if this is not allowed please let me know. I know alot of people say dont post your email but this is just the first way to get in touch with me. Then I will give the real one. :-) I forgot to mention bridgette is also 5 her birthday is July 13th, and my other daughter will be 2 on Friday. Yeah my hands are full. As far as the snow we got 13 inches and more to come on Friday. It can snow all it wants this week as long as its gone by the 26th I am heading to Boston for 3 days and dont want that ruined. :-) Well if you want to talk email me there and I will give you my email address. Take Care and I wish you the best.. Rock23




Edited 12/13/2005 10:22 am ET by rockclover
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:23am
Good luck to you, but add me to the list of those who discovered that one person couldn't make their marriage work. I tried for several painful years only to have my heart repeatedly broken. I finally decided that being alone would be better than the hell I was putting myself through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:34pm

Hi

I did try emailing you but it was returned. Let's try again. And thank you for all your support.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 1:36pm

Dear ppgdada,

You responded to my post and since I'm not quite sure how to work these goofy boards yet I am attaching my response here rather than under my post...

I am so sorry that your wife has distanced herself from you emotionally. While I do believe that marriage is something that couples need to work at together, sometimes there just isn't anything there to save. Your wife probably loves you dearly and wishes the best for you but at the same time she probably feels like she's imprisoned in a situation that she no longer wants to be in and the longer she stays the more she will resent you. Yours is not a problem of communication or dedication, it's just chemistry and no amount of therapy will create the passion that's missing.

You sound just like my husband. I'm sure that you are a caring, kind, sensitive father and husband. You have done NOTHING wrong. Sometimes, two people are just not meant to be husband and wife. Over time you will find someone who appreciates the little notes and such. It's just not going to be her.

If you want to fight for something, fight for your daughters. I'm sure that your wife will not take them away from you...unless you make her feel as though she needs to be on the defensive (which is what will happen if you keep trying to force her to stay...the crying and begging don't help either). If you just let her go (no matter how hard it might be) she will be more willing to give you what you want. Keep in mind, right now by forcing her to stay she feels as though YOU are getting everything you want and she's not getting anything that she wants.

I hope this helps. I know that it's hard. But the good news is that life is a marathon, not a sprint and all of this too shall pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 3:20pm

Hi Jessica

Thank you. I wonder...I feel like I am talking to me wife but not really, you know. I wonder if what you are saying is exactly what she feels. It really could be. Iam hearing the other side since she doesn't/won't open up to me about it.

I have to ask you Jessica, do you think I have a chance of saving this marriage?????

You speak about how my wife might feel if I continue to convince her to go to therapy. Do you feel that way? Do you feel trapped? I'm just asking because I don't want to make this worse...I'm scared. Sorry for asking but you are on the other side of the fence.

I know you are "probably" right. I have heard from a number of friends and(I have a select few) they are all saying the same thing...walk away before you get hurt more. Is it possible to get hurt more. I guess it is from what people have said. I hate the rejection though it tears me apart! Do I move on?! How do I move on when she is my wife...she's supposed to be my lifelong partner. My ancient Love. I have to stop being this hopeless romantic. It isn't helping me...I beat myself up over a failed marriage. Why did she marry me in the first place? I know noone can asnwer that but, it hurts. It's so hard. I should walk away....i haven't been happy for a long time I admit that but I sacrifce for our marriage I sacrifice for our children isn't that what Love is all about...Sacrifce for the other. Sacrifice for the family. La Familigia...the family....it isn't easy anymore is it? i never wanted to be a statistic and that what I am.

I'm sorry I'm just venting a little...my marriage is over and it hurts so much.
Thanks for being there.
John

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 3:59pm

Hi John,

You should ask her if this is what she's feeling. Maybe she's afraid to communicate these thoughts to you, but if you lay everything out on the table it might be easier for her to just say yes or no.

I think that you need to ask yourself why you want to save the marriage. Is it because of all of the wonderful memories that you have, because those won't go away if you get divorced. Is it because you can't handle the thought of losing your daughters, because they will be your children (and they will love you) whether or not you're married to their mother. Is it because you are embarassed and you don't want to be a statistic, because there are worse statistics to be! Is it because she treats you like a king and the two of you have fun together and understand each other and have similar life goals, but occassionally the two of you argue and disagree. I doubt it.

You mentioned that you are a hopeless romantic. Do you see the irony in that term?

Your wife married you because at the time your relationship was exactly what she needed in her life. She's changed, you've changed, some combination of the two. Her actions now do not negate the love that she felt for you then.

You can try to convince her to stay and it might work. She might stay with you. But, my gut tells me that for the rest of your relationship there will be a part of her that doesn't want to be there. Is that what you want? Millions of people survive divorce. Remember all of the failed relationships that you had in high school/college/etc? Remember how much it hurt when they ended? You lived!

I hope that this post wasn't too negative. I would never say never and it's possible that she will change her mind. It's also possible that after years of divorce you two will find your way back to each other (for the hopeless romantic in you!). But for now, my recommendation would be to let her go. Hurt is only a temporary emotion. If we (as humans) can somehow handle death, we can handle the end of a disfunctional relationship.

Hope some of this helps. :o)

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