Marriage Falling Apart
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| Mon, 12-12-2005 - 1:42pm |
Hi Everyone,
I'm probably in the minority here...I'm a husband looking for help...BIG TIME!
My wife has filed for divorce and it is tearing me apart! We've been married 9 yrs (Nov 23) and we have 2 beautiful girls... Bridget 5yrs and Ashley 18 months. Yes I was blindsided...or maybe just blind. But, I know we have our problems...my wife and are complete opposites. I'm romantic, emotional, hell I need the foreplay. My wife doesn't need any of that...so she has told me. When I write her love letters/poems all she has ever said is "That's nice". I'm not asking for alot just....something. But I have accepted that that is who she is. Believe me it has been HARD but.....no one is perfect.
My wife doesn't communicate with me it's hard for her to open up...but I still try. I know that is a HUGE problem...you always need to communicate. So I know we have had problems in the past. I can be too sensitive at times, I know this but I feel I have gotten better...she's even said as much. Hey we can always try to improve ourselve....that's the life journey we're all on. I haven't really seen much of a change in her other than...I hate to use this word but she is...cold.
Anyway, we did have a couple of big fights lately and now I just find out in the mail no less that she retained an attorney for divorce. She didn't even know when she was going to tell me. Afraid of my reaction....ya...my reaction: I fell to my knees and cried on the floor in front of her.....so much pain. I was devastated. She stood there and then walked by me.....
Why?????? taht's all I ask and she says..."I have no feelings for you" and that's supposed to make it ok. You work at it....you fight to save a marriage...what else is worth fighting for. My God, it's just so much for me to handle....my girls ripped from me. I adore them so much. Everything just gone.....
Please I know I went on forever but..PLEASE someone help me. I don't want to lose my marriage. I even set up an appointment for a marriage counselor...highly recommended. She said "I'll see what she has to say, but I think it won't do any good. ". It's soounds so half-hearted...is that really trying?!
We NEED TO TRY WITH ALL WE HAVE.
Thank you for listening...any advice PLEASE.
John

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Hmmm dont know why it would return.. It is funmom2_two@yahoo.com and that is an underscore. Hmmm if all else fails you could try this mylittleangelbaby2000@yahoo.com this will get you where I can email you too..
Take Care
rock23
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for your advice and thoughts. I mean that. I just have such a hard time trying to understand it all. It hasn't been easy for me as well as for her I guess thru the years. I've been unfulfilled for so long so very long. I know my needs haven't been met but.... I mean I am passionate and romantic I NEED THAT and she isn't/can't so why have I stayed????
It's marriage...you stay thru it and with it...must be my Catholic upbringing coming thru...I don't know. Maybe I'm just afraid plain and simple afraid of being alone afraid of losing my children( God I love them so much) Maybe I'm not staying for the "right" reasons but I guess I never thought it would come to this. I guess I think of myself as a failure, I failed as a husband and it's hard to come to terms with it. I know I'm doing the guilt thing even though you said it isn't me...I'm in such an Undiscovered Country. No way of knowing what the right thing to do is. Lost.
But I have really thought about just telling her that i will move on without her. I need someone who WILL give me all of themselves without fear. I know she can't do that. How much can I fight for the 2 of us. It's so draining...I hate giving up..hate it but as so many people have told me. It isn't you John, you've tried and I have I've tried so DAMN MUCH IT HURTS. So is this it?! Do I let go..is this the right decision. Listening to you Jessica maybe it is the right decision...let go. You are coming from my wife's place and you know better than anyone you are in it.....
Thanks again
John
Good Morning John,
I think that you just "hit the nail on the head". You asked how long YOU can continue to fight for the relationship and that is the key issue here; YOU are the only one fighting. I know that I sound just let everyone else when I say this, but you didn't fail as a husband. There is probably nothing you could have done during the course of your marriage that would have changed this outcome; more attention, more hugs, more notes...none of that would have helped.
Are you seeing a therapist on your own? If not, I highly recommend it. There are other issues involved here, most notably your desperate NEED to be with this women. Marriage should be about WANT, not NEED.
Let her go. Tell her that you love her and then let her go. She knows how you feel. Begging, crying, pleading...none of this is going to help. Find a therapist and an attorney. Now is the time to think of you!
Good luck. I'm here to chat if you need me. :o)
Jessica
Good Morning jessica,
I did talk to my wife last nite and as hard as it is for em I am coming to terms with the fact that it is over...still so hard though.
Since I know the outcome...divorce. Then I want this to be as amicable as possible. It has to be for our children and for ourselves. She has hired an attorney, but I really think we can do this thru a mediator. I 've called one and talked to him and I just think it would be awhole lot easier. I don't know what a judge or attorneys will do other than make it nasty. A mediator can help us come up with our own terms...what WE want what the children need. I don't want to make attorneys rich with money that could be better spent on our children. I guess I'm startig to come around...I'm sure I'll have good days and bad days. My wife did say she will not try and screw me over that I can see the girls when I want and she knows I'll need to pay for my own place. Rents are crazy...been a long time since i was looking for a place. But I will ALWAYS provide for my children...always.
So thank you for your advice/support and for being her. you have opened my eyes...I needed to here from someone on the other side. Thank you again and I will be looking to get a therapist. But you've been great...I needed someone to be completly honest with me.
Talk soon
John
John,
I wish my STBX thought like you think. He has made things so difficult for my divorce (and he's the one who filed). We are using our own attorneys and it's been ugly. Most of our savings will be sucked up by the attorneys and it makes me sick. We have two children. I asked him to at least pay off our son's braces (he seized control of our savings) before the attorneys take all the money. He refuses to do so. I could go and on about my pathetic situation, but the point I want to make to you is please try to use mediation and put the children first.
Also, therapy is a wonderful idea. I am seeing one right now and it has helped me tremendously. Don't be afraid to lean on family and friends for support. I couldn't go through all this without the support and love I have received.
Hang in there and realize that there will be good days and bad days, but take it one day at a time. If you find yourself getting depressed, make sure to see a doctor. My doctor put me on anti-depressants in November and I am doing so much better now. They have really helped.
Good luck John.
Belinda
John,
I just wanted to add that it does get MUCH easier. Especially if both you and your wife are willing and able to take the high road from time to time and focus on putting your children's needs first. My STBX and I each have our own attorneys but they are just guiding us through the process and giving us advice when we ask for it. STBX and I have been able to keep the negotiation between the two of us. We were able to come to an agreement on nearly everything.
I "let my STBX go" last July. Like you, we are both Catholic and head over heals in love with our children. Our relationship had been struggling for several years, but I still loved my husband. However, it was painfully clear that he no longer loved or respected me the way I needed him to. Although he gave up on our marriage at least a year before I did, I don't think he would have ever filed for divorce if I hadn't told him that I thought we could separate and divorce without hurting each other or our children anymore than what we were already doing by staying together. It was a very painful experience for me because as we discussed how we could separate and co-parent amicably I could literally see the weight lift off of his shoulders.
Everyone heals differently and I'm not completely "over it", but I am definately doing light years better now than I was five months ago. Not only am I better than when we decided to divorce, but my close friends tell me that I seem much better than I was for the last few years of our marriage. I was surviving - now I'm living. Our kids (8yrs and 19 months) have a family that's probably stonger than it was before even though it has spread to two homes.
It does get easier. Unfortunately there's no fast-forward button. Good luck and prayers to you.
Thank you Belinda.
Iam trying to make it as easy as possible...but it's hard. Today I was leaving work and was in my car and broke down crying ..just couldn't stop. i was doing ok for a couple of days but. It just happend. I did call my Doc and he has been great. He went thru a divorce a couple of years ago and knows what i'm going thru He gave me a therapist ph#. Just so I can talk to him and sort things out. But it is HARD. yOU ARE RIGHT GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS.
Thanks for being here for me and listening and for you advice/support.
John
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to thank you all for your advice/support and prayers and thoughts it has helped me...I mean that. This so hard to go thru but knowing others are out there going thru this does help. It's so damn hard though. Knowing that it is probably over. We'l see what happens tomorrow with the marriage counselor....I hoping and praying
but again thank you so very much it means the world to me I really really mean that.
I know someday I'll be happy just takes time.
Thanks again
John
John,
I've cried more this year than I have my entire life. However, in my case, it has turned out to be a true blessing to be away from him because he is a mean person who put me and my children through a lot over the years.
I remember August - November as being black months for me, but with the help of the antidepressants, therapy AND getting out with friends LIVING life, I am starting to feel stronger with each passing day. My life has changed so much (I walked away from everything, except my children), but I am adjusting slowly but surely. Three months ago I never thought I would hear myself say that. Time does have a way of healing things. I know I still have a long way to go....
It's okay to cry; it's part of the healing process. Also, it helps to keep busy, even if you don't feel like getting out and doing things. Surround yourself with family and friends during this time.
Let us all know how your counseling session goes.
Take care, Belinda
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