Marriages don't "fail"
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| Thu, 05-12-2005 - 5:41pm |
I often see and hear people refer to their marriage "failing". I really dislike that phrase. That only makes sense if a marriage is a contest or competition, a challenge to stay together until death do you part. That's not at all what I think marriage is about.
I don't see divorce as a failure at all. Because I don't see marriage as a longevity contest. It's the joining together of two people who share love, and friendship, and companionship, and care for each other so much that they want to live together. When the nature of that relationship changes, and they no longer want to live together, that's not a failure, it's a change. The goal of marriage isn't to die married to each other, it's to live happily together. To the extent that a marriage is happy for any length of time, it is a success. When it's over, it hasn't "failed", it's just ended. My marriage was successful for a long time, and now it's over, and I'm moving on to the next stage in my life.
(I just wanted to share these thoughts with you folks, because this attitude was so helpful to me in getting thru the tough times).

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Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I agree. I believe that I feel that my marriage failed me and the kids. I didn't leave, I didn't give up, I didn't refuse to tell the truth on what was wrong.
Fail might be the wrong word, but it is the way it feels sometimes.
I know that's how it feels sometimes.
I tried, and tried, and tried, for 20 years.
But I don't feel like I "failed" to make my marriage work, or that stbXH did, or that the marriage itself "failed". I could certainly take that point of view, and be really depressed about it.
But many years ago I realized that things happen in one's life, and you have a choice as to how to react to it. I can either concentrate on the "down" side of things, and slip into depression, or try to accept them in a more positive way.
My marriage was good for many years. And then it wasn't. If both partners aren't happy in a M, it seems unfair to try to keep them there, almost as prisoner to promises made earlier in life. We discussed this over the years, sort of like end-of-life issues: let's try never to keep this marriage on life-support. If "quality of marriage", like "quality of life" isn't there, let's let it go gracefully, and amicably. And as far as possible, we have, and as a result our children aren't traumatized (and our legal bills are relatively low!)
Now, obviously, it's been much easier for me than for many women. I'm very independent, and my H had "walked out on me" many times in the past, only to return, so I had many years to contemplate the possibility of being on my own. But to me the bigger failure would have been if we had stayed married for another 20 years, both unhappy, fighting, arguing, resenting each other, but unable or unwilling to do anything about it. THAT would have seemed a failure.
I_andt....
Pianoguy would prefer to use the word: UNRAVEL when it comes to a marriage (or partnership) that falls apart.
pianoguy: "2 people could have started out with identical intentions, but over the course of time....grown in different directions?"
ITA.
justabrokendream....
Pianoguy believes that
i agree. people do sometimes go in a different direction and aren't interested in taking the other along. some people grow apart and don't realize it until it's too late.
it's easy to be happy in a good marriage; however, it's when the chips are down and things are horrible that you get to see what someone is really made of. if one isn't willing to work on the marriage and the other feels as though he/she is carrying all the weight -- well we all know that won't work.
you know, my marriage was great for the first five or six years. for the second half, not so great. for the final year, just intensely bad. i don't consider the whole marriage a failure. early on we grew together, we have two wonderful kids (about whom we do not fight); we just got to a point that it was impossible to live together. the tension was thick and it wasn't good for the kids. the marriage was beyond help at that point.
but i do not consider myself a failure.
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