Marriages don't "fail"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Marriages don't "fail"
23
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 5:41pm

I often see and hear people refer to their marriage "failing". I really dislike that phrase. That only makes sense if a marriage is a contest or competition, a challenge to stay together until death do you part. That's not at all what I think marriage is about.

I don't see divorce as a failure at all. Because I don't see marriage as a longevity contest. It's the joining together of two people who share love, and friendship, and companionship, and care for each other so much that they want to live together. When the nature of that relationship changes, and they no longer want to live together, that's not a failure, it's a change. The goal of marriage isn't to die married to each other, it's to live happily together. To the extent that a marriage is happy for any length of time, it is a success. When it's over, it hasn't "failed", it's just ended. My marriage was successful for a long time, and now it's over, and I'm moving on to the next stage in my life.

(I just wanted to share these thoughts with you folks, because this attitude was so helpful to me in getting thru the tough times).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 4:10pm

I totally agree about the signs of marriages in trouble.
However, when one partner in the marriage is "acting" as if the marriage
is rock solid and having an affair on the side, the half left at home can
be totally clueless about problems. Communication is really the key to
a solid marriage. Lies and deceit destroy everything.
I guess that can be construed as one person changing in the relationship.
I just don't understand how that type of "change" can ever be repaired.

It does get easier with time though. And I don't feel my marriage "failed".
I feel that it was wonderful and solid for many years until we changed in
different directions.

maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 6:49pm

Hi Maria!


You pretty much confirmed something that PG has been saying since he began posting in ivillage (over 4 years ago).


COUPLES OFTEN GROW IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 8:09pm

And when they start "growing in different directions" perhaps the one who is doing the so called growing, should decide before the lies and deceit that maybe he/she shouldn't be married any more, instead of having one person suck the life and money out of another human being and then leave them like a piece of garbage.

Ya think I'm bitter? (LOL).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:19am

justabrokendream....


ABSOLUTELY!


Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:09am

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In my case, if someone had been honest with me, I'm 99% sure I would have broken up with my ex about 3 years before I married him, wouldn't have had to go through a divorce, and would probably be in much better financial shape now as at that time I had no debt and good savings. So yep, I definitely had to deal with some bitterness there. But I try to remind myself that I could still be married to him and be trying to fool myself into believing we were happy. I could have never found out and spent the rest of my life living a lie and not knowing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:52pm

I totally agree with you, sang. So many couples stay together and become bitter and resentful. I would rather move on with my life and have a second chance at finding true love with someone new.
Sorry your finances got messed up. It's difficult to start over financially as well as emotionally.

To pianoguy: Don't be bitter, it hurts you more than your ex.

Have a great evening.
maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:47am

I see your point of view but don't totally agree. I believe a marriage can thrive, can grow, can stagnate, can fail. Perhaps there is more validity to your viewpoint if the marriage is truly good for a period of time. If it was never good, I'm not so sure.

I wish I'd read a bit more into the unpleasant surprise I received the morning after my wedding, 27 years ago. The first time I told my husband I'd had enough and wanted out was shortly after we returned from our honeymoon. Shame on me for not leaving then. Shame on me for thinking it was both too soon and too late to leave then. Shame on me for staying to bear and raise 3 girls amidst a level of pain & ugliness that no one should have to live through, and scarring 3 kids in the process. Shame on me for giving away my self-respect from day one. It's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been there, how easily you can give yourself away without even seeing that you're doing it.

I left after 26 years with nothing to show for those years except three daughters who love me but do not respect me and who know the one thing they most want is to not be like me. I walked away and was too tired to do battle when my stunningly shrewd husband manipulated the law to his advantage to be sure I would have even less than the nothing I would have had if I'd stayed. And this is a man I'd known for 10 yrs before marriage and believed I knew inside & out....

I guess what I'm saying about failure is that it depends on the circumstances of the marriage. I'm aware of my own personal failings; I was "lucky" enough to live for 26 years with someone who never passed up an opportunity to point them out. (He constantly reminded me that he was "helping" me; he didn't want me to get a swelled head because he was concerned that people would be "turned off" by my conceit if I suggested that I had any worth or personal value.) But if one would not also call my 26-year marriage a failure, then I truly can't think of another word which would more appropriately describe it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:29am
Very good post. I know I say my marriage failed, it failed to succeed, it failed to be what I needed, it failed to last. But I don't see the failure is a bad thing. The fact I finally recognized that it was failing, that it wasn't good, that it shouldn't last is a GOOD thing and I am happy that I can admit it. I didn't go through the pain and suffering that you did, and after reading your post I wish I could hug you. I am happy that you could recognize your marriage failed too.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:49am

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You were dealing with a master manipulator who deliberately chipped away at your self respect before you even realized it was happening. While it's important to understand how you let yourself be vulnerable, the shame for isn't yours it is his for how he acted. In hindsight it's easy to say "I should have left sooner", but you can't change the past, only accept the mistakes you made and learn from them. Instead of feeling guilt and shame for the years spent with him, you should feel proud that you did gather the courage to start a new life of your own. After spending years with someone, the easier choice is often to stay and accept the status quo rather than start new, but you took a chance and now your life is your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:45pm

Hi Maria!


PG was confirming