Married 10 years, considering divorce . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Married 10 years, considering divorce . . .
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 2:50pm

My husband & I have

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 8:11pm


Hi. The smartest thing you can do is take your legal questions to an experienced divorce attorney. Don't speculate and don't ask a non-attorney for advice. Pay someone their hourly fee for one hour of their time and get answers. Whether you stay or go, you will benefit from having a clear understanding of your legal rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce.

I'd also ask if you two have ever done any marriage counseling? If that's a "no" then I'd encourage you to seek the advice of an experienced couples counselor to get perspective on your marriage. It seems to me that your husband has "quit" both his working life and the marriage for some reason. Finding out that reason might go a long way to helping you either get back on track in your marriage or making a decision to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 6:04am

It sounds like you have lost perspective for each other and maybe you need to consider creating some healthy space so the respect and communication can rebuild...

Don't jump into divorce - you sound angry and that is the worse time to plan and plot... and you will be unable to focus. Everything will be amplified and the time it has been going on sounds liek there is much to 'undo' .... but you can do it ..

Consider a plan to create some space and then see if you can find yourself and your relationship again. Look after yourself and nuture love inwards ..... not anger outward at him ... you might find it all starts to change and you can regain the love and respect

Divorce takes ages and is arduous ... so why not spend that same amount of energy trying to make a difference first. You just never know what might happen. Think positive.... Love yourself.... be fantastic and bit by bit you may find you can start to communicate and respect the issues that are threatening your marriage. But it will take time .....but, hey, so does divorce ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2011
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 5:22am
Well sorry to say but you are right...There is a good chance that you would have to pay him spousal support... If you could prove that there is no reason that he could not work then you might win that one. He will probably fight you for joint custody of your daughter. But in most cases the courts still favor the mother for custody. What county do you live in? When you hire an attorney make sure it is one has there practice in that county and does most of their cases there. You want them to know the magistrate and judge. It would be great if the legal system was fare but unfortunately it is a lot about who you know....If your husband has old business records from when he had his business find them and put them away... You can show what he use to make when he hesitate to go talk to an attorney. Some will see you for free. Others charge about 200.00..... Know that in most cases all bills are split by the names on accounts....for example if a credit card has your name on it you will get it in the divorce. So make sure that all of your debt is not in just your name... Make a list of anything that you had monetary or physical things that you brought into the marriage. For example if you had 5000.00 in you bank account when you got married and you all used it to buy a car.. If you inherited anything during the marriage make a note of that.. I don't know how long that you have been at your job but he has the right to half of your retirement.... if it is a 401k you can borrow against it now bef you file....he will need to sign but you dont need to tell him what it is really for. You can use that money for legal fees because divorces can be very costly....This info is just general stuff...not varies in diff states... good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 1:13pm

No you probably would not get full custody and I can't imagine why you would even ask for it if you say he is a great father--shouldn't he have at least joint custody?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 5:11pm
My first question would also be if you have tried counseling yet. On the surface of your post, I hear resentment over living off of one income, and not so much about a bad marriage. I believe there is value to a stay-at-home-parent that also is the "homemaker." It sounds like part of your resentment is that he made that decision on his own, and not a decision you made together.

But, with that said, you would have to talk to a divorce attorney where you live to acurately answer your question. Because you are right that almimony to him is a possibility.

Good luck with everything and I hope you two can work things out.