married for 25 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
married for 25 years
11
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 4:33pm
I am 46 and I have been married for 25 years, though it is coming to an end, because he wanted his freedom. It is hard to deal with, I feel like I am not good enough. I know I'm not as young as I ones was but I'm still the same person he married. My life is turned upside down. he said there is no one els but I don't believe him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 7:16pm

Quick hugs to you. I am 47 as of this year, so I am where you are -- altho my marriage only lasted 9 years. We have two young children under age 7. Do you have children? I am so sorry. Would like to hear more and will share more when I have more time; got to get the kids in the tub!

Welcome and stay around -- this is a very supportive board.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 7:39pm

Hi

It is hard when a marriage comes to an end, especially when you don't know the reason for it. I am 47 and this year we would have been married 25 years. We had problems in our marriage and maybe i woke up too late to realize things. He said he needed his space and needed to be on his own to figure things out. I did later learn that he had an affair. That relationship is now over and as of today so is ours(not divorced) just know that we won't be together as a couple and i am reliving that hurt and heartbreak all over again even though i know it is probably for the best.
Is there a reason you don't believe him? Or is it just a feeling that you have about him having someone else.
What ever happens continue to use this board. The support is wonderful and we have all been where you are now.
Hugs to you and keep posting.

Take care
Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 8:49pm

Hi Jewell,


I'm glad you found us here at Surviving Divorce. I hope you find it helpful.


I'm sorry you find yourself facing the prospect of divorce. It isn't an easy path and it's more difficult when you aren't the one who initiates the process. Some quick advice and some words of comfort for you.


First, take a deep breath and try to think about your legal needs. Locate an experienced divorce attorney and make an appointment to ask questions. You'll need to know your rights and obligations.


Second, try not to panic. This isn't something you plan on doing in life (most of us marry for life any way) and so it's a shock when it happens. I encourage you to find a support group or a friend or counselor to help you deal with your fears and emotions.


Finally, feel free to post here as often as you like. It helps to vent and we've all been through divorce and can help you along the way.


Take care and let us hear from you again.


Sincerely,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:49pm
Thank you I will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:57pm

I could see it in his face when there was hang up calls, a girl called his cell phone one night, I picked it up just to hear her say “ did you try to call me” I asked who is this and she hung up.
I could see it in his face he knew who it was. In addition, yea it is a feeling to. I could tell some thing was not right, he started acting different toward me. He would tell me he love me but he did not show it and I did not feel it. I wonder how you can be with some one that long and not love them.

Thank for the reply and hug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 10:25pm
jewell
I just had to write you. I had the same thing happen to me this past july. My husban of 28 yrs desided he didnt love me any more it was a shock to me because I thought everything was fine I had no idea he was feeling this way.I have to say its been the hardest thing I've had to go through . my husban also said there was no other women and I dont know if there was or is.But I can say as time goes on I've stoped crying as much so it does get better. I hope things are getting better for you take care and stay positive.
belinda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 1:36am

Hi heartbroken........you are not alone. I am 57.....My H of 29 years told me about OW in November.
He filed for divorce in January and out divorce was final Feb 1 st. I have been crying for three months every day. I start crying at the drop of a hat, I just never know it can be just from looking at him, or even standing at a store counter.

I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. he says he is sorry and he did want me to wait around as now he is not sure it could work with this other woman. I even considered that then decided you know if loving him has to be this painful I do not want it.
I emailed him and said good bye for good. I had even said I would have an affair with him as the OW is married says she is religious and wont have sex with him till marriage. but she talked alot of sex in his emails and told him she would do it whenever he wanted.

its just been a nightmare. I decided not to ever take him back. I think they will have a very toxic relationship .......I can see the signs. But I finally told him no way would I "wait" to see if it worked with her or not. and it wont believe me. He is still a nice looking man so he can find another woman. I am done. As someone said how you can they say they love two people? How can they say they want you to wait? How can they put out this much pain to someone who gave their life to him?

I told him sorry that loving him was too painful so I will let her have him.
hang in there. there are so many women going through the same thing I cant believe it!
so much for the Cinderella Story!
Its more like Beauty and the Beast only it started with a handsome prince and ended with an ugly beast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:50pm
My husband came home and said he was thinking of a divorce. We went to therapy, 10 min into it he said he wanted a divorce and hasn't loved me for years. We have been married for 20 yrs and we are both going on 44. He says there is no one else, just wants to see if he can do it on his own. I cry every day. I feel rejected and crushed, feel like I can't breathe. I made a appt with the therapist just to talk. I hope it gets easier for both of us, just realizing you're not alone helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 8:38am

I know how you feel. I'm 45 and was married 21 years when stbx decided he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. We've been separated for 6 months now and it's not easy. I too had all those"i'm not good enough" feelings. But you have to remember - you ARE good enough - he just doesn't recognize it. I can tell you from experience, it gets easier and he will eventually realize what he gave up. What I did was to use this time to find "me". And I always thought that people who said that were kind of corny! But it's the truth. I can now do things, after 21 years, that I want to do. I realized that:

I hate hockey - although I used to go to several games because HE loved it

I'm a night owl - although I used to go to bed early because that's what HE liked to do

I love going to church - although I never went when we were together because HE didn't like it

I have TONS of friends - we never had any couple friends because He wasn't a people person

So look to the future and start doing the things you want to do! It was only after we separated that I realized I hadn't been living my life - I'd been living HIS life. Of course, I still cry, I still wish things were different. but I'm well on my way to being happier.

I pray the same for you. Feel free to email me if you need to talk.

Grace

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:36pm
Got a divorce after 7 years and 2 kids. He ran off with a 17 yr old. I was crying at a park, when a angel sat down beside me. She was an older lady. After telling her my problem, she looked at me and said,"Trust is like a can of coffee. Once the seal is broken, you can never put it back." I will never forget those words. That was many years ago. Met someone else was with him for 17 years. He died. Now I've finished raising my kids. Sometimes my grandkids,too! I would not change a thing. Life lessons. If its any help, had not seen ex for about 10 years. One day someone knock on my door. He started asking questions. I answered a few and finally ask "Who are you?" To my shock it was my ex!!!! Good luck! Every day gets better. Just remember, every time you see him, keep a smile on your face. It will drive him insane.

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