Married and so feeling so alone...(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Married and so feeling so alone...(long)
9
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:36pm

I just don't know what to do, and really can't afford to go to any kind of counseling. Talking to friends and family isn't much help, cause they all just say "Leave him" So maybe this will help.

I've been married 4 years, and miserable the last 2. We have a 3month old son together. Now, my husband, in my opnion, isn't all and all a 'bad' guy. Which is probably what makes this so hard, it would probably be easier if he were an all out jerk that I didn't care about.

For the past two years, he has been so controlling and suffocating. I'm constantly being talked down to, I feel like he is my dad and I'm 15. I'm a stay at home mom(going back to work soon, SOO happy about that) He acts like what I do is nothing, and that I should just wait on him hand and foot. I can't even run to go get groceries without phone calls about when I'm going to be home, let alone how bad it is on rare occasions I get to go out. He is NO help with our son. I do EVERYTHING, and our son is sick. He has to be taken to constant DR. appointments, at a hospital out of town. I just had a very stressfull day today, they had to sedate my son to run some tests. My husband couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to go with me, let alone even know what day it was, even though I told him every day for the past month. He has never gone to any visits with me, and only a few when I was pregnant. I have to feel bad about leaving my son with his FATHER when I go out, because he can't be bothered with it.
He's also admitted he doesn't like me going out because he's jealous, and has even threatened to take away my car. MY CAR! Excuse me, his car, it's in his name. His life has not changed in anyway, mine has been turned upside down.
I could go on forever, but basically, he treats me like a child, helps out with nothing(he won't even pick up his own dishes! He says he will, but just waits for me to do it.) And having to go through all this with my son is so hard, and I have no support system. I can't talk to him, he doesn't listen. He just twists things to make me feel stupid and wrong. I just feel SO alone, and I don't know how much more I can take. I want a family with him, but not like this. I don't think he is going to change. I left him last year before I knew I was pregnant, over the same stuff. He promised to work on changing, which he did until the baby was born. Now he knows I'm kinda stuck.
But, despite all of this, I don't think he does it to be a jerk. I don't think he realizes what he does. I don't think there is hate or malice involved. Which is what makes it so hard. I don't want to hurt him, and I worried I might be making a mistake. i feel sometimes I blow things out of proportion, that this is just they way it is. But I'm not willing to except it.
I've thought about counseling, but last time I mentioned it, he said no way. Plus I can't afford it, and don't know if it would work. Basically, I think I just want some advice on what to do from an impartial party, and to be told I'm not nuts or over reacting. Thanks for ready all this, I don't have anyone else to talk to right now.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:06pm

Hi...

I'm sorry that you're going through so much right now... I read your post and in my opinion, I'm not too impressed with your h right now... being controlling and manipulative is not love... leaving mom to do all the parenting is not being a parent... right now, it honestly sounds like you're a married single mom... something I can relate to....

He may not "realize" what he's doing, but he's doing it nonetheless... you say that you cannot afford counseling... have you considered meeting with a pastor? My pastor and I met for a while and that helped a great deal without costing a single cent... Even if he's not willing to go, I would encourage you to do so...

One question for you... Do you want your son seeing this sort of a guy as a role model? Even if he doesn't realize what he's doing, as you say, he's doing it and teaching your son (who is too young to get it now, but won't be for long) how to be the same way...

Good Luck with your decision, but from what you've described, I do not like what I hear.

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:29pm

I can sympathize with you in so many ways. My husband of eighteen years just left this weekend and as I read your story I am reminded of what my life has been like for the past 16 years.

My husband was very similar to yours when we were younger, very controlling and everything was my responsiblility. He used to call me lazy and stupid because he would never realize eveything I was doing during the day. If there were things I wanted in life he would never support me and tell me to figure it out on my own, the kids were my problem.

I will tell you my husband did get help at one time and it helped a little. But it never really changed the ways he felt about me or the way he treated me, it lessened some of the ways he was, he was certainly more subtle. Even in the past few weeks all decisions we made together were still my fault if he later decided he did not agree. He would always tell me he just agreed with me just because I made him or he felt he had to and that he felt he had no say.

It took me a long time to not feel like all of the things that he would say to me were true, my husband has also treated me over the years more like one of our children. If I would discipline my daughters they would tell him I was being mean and unreasonable. He would then sit us both down to hear both sides of the story and determine who was in the right. He frequently would tell them they did not have to follow the consequnces because I had been unreasonable and then would lecture me. I will tell you now that there are many self esteem issue I face because of my husband and I am scared of what will happen to me and how I will be in another relationship. I tend to cower and become quite, and agreeable.

I too could not afford counciling, and worse I was a family councilor to families in crisis and I got to decide if they were raising their families right and could they keep their kids. My home situation eventually made me quit my job because I did not feel I could tell people how to live their lives when I knew what mine was like.

Remember you are never stuck, I was able to become stronger and I did it with help. There are often places that will offer reduced fees, I live in a University town and their coucilors in training offer free counciling. Call a local place and see what services they can offer, there is more out there then you realize, let the experts show you the way.

It is very easy for other to tell you to leave, I can't tell you how many time I heard this in 18 years. You have to decide and do this for yourself, but right now you do need someone to help guide you.

Good luck, you can do this but you also need to be strong for yourself and your son so start making calls and see what you can find.

I will be thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:05am

i'm not a therapist, but i think anyone could tell you this is out and out emotional abuse. it's that simple. i recognize it so easily because i have been there. this is very bad for you and how you feel about yourself and this is very bad for your child to witness. truly! you should immediately check out the department of social services in your area; they are there to help you. if you belong to a church, see someone there. you get one life -- one. if you leave him, which looks as though it's the only way to go, you will realize what kind of life you have been living. not a life at all. time and distance from the relationship will really open your eyes.

make your calls today. also, do a little research online about emotional abuse. you'll see yourself and you'll see him.

good luck and keep us informed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:23am

Indigo,

First, know that you are taking baby steps by even asking! There are moms and dads here who have gone through or are going through very similar difficulties within a relationship with someone extremely controlling, and you will get a lot of support here hon.

I want you to know that it is so important to be willing to work with your husband on problems and try to save your marriage; however, that said, you cannot repair things between the two of you by yourself. He must at least recognise there are some things he is reponsible for and be willing to make some changes too. A lot of the time it is not all 'changes' that need to be made, but rather a whole lot more communication needs.

There will come a time when you know if you should sever the relationship though. While you are having these questions is the time to gather as much information as possible and to try your best to find someone to talk to. I completely understand your time is not your own in a sense because of the patterns in your relationship right now. And while I do not want to encourage dishonesty, you really, really need to find a counselor to talk with and a way to do it without him preventing it.

In my own difficult marriage, my stbx would literally have a screaming fit if I took more than 2 hours to go do the shopping/errands. Since I often shopped at the large food clubs like Costco or Sams, and I was shopping for a family of seven and I usually had one or more children with me, lol, it was a nonstarter to get there and back in under two hours! With him, it really never was 'jealousy' or suspicion of me flirting or being with any other man. He occasionally insinuated something like that, but mainly it was that he had such a dire need to be 'in charge', for everyone to be accountable to his final word etc. And my wanting to be the 'peacemaker', my justifying and explaining away his treatment of me just facilitated him as those kinds of situations proliferated over the years. Btw, we have one child who is special needs... and when he first started exhibiting this 'different' behavior both my stbx and his mother were so in denial...he didn't help much either and they kept telling me our son would 'grow out of it' and that I was over exxagerating symptoms. Later after a year and the symptoms grew and I finally got him to 'let' me take our boy to a specialist, he finally stopped being in denial and did begin to help. Every couple is faced with a lot of strains when one of their children are sick or has special needs, and moms and dads do not always react in the same way. Again, some counseling with a professional or clergy of your faith might help in that situation too. If your husband is having confused feelings about the sickness of your little one, he may just be showing avoidance behavior because it helps him not have to deal with the fact of the situation. That is NOT an excuse for you to shoulder everything, but it is one reason some parents don't fully support the other in this situation.

When you live with a control freak for very long, and you are wanting so much to make things work, you sometimes literally question yourself as to whether you are overreacting, that maybe he has a point (?!), that there is something you can do to please them more, and then they will act more reasonable about you having an adult role in the relationship. It may be different for other people, but in our case, it didn't. If I accomplished something or changed something he wanted different, he just changed the perameters of his expectations or went on and started concentrating on something else I 'needed to change' or that 'wasn't normal'. It is a neverending cycle, because the PROCESS is part of the main need or satisfaction for a controlling and narcistic personality. There are many other facets involved with that disorder, but on a daily basis that is what is most on the surface...watching, analyzing and creating situations that make other people 'do what he wants.'

The guilt you are expressing sounds mixed up to me and its normal; but please know you are important, you do deserve love and respect, and by having questions, by you realizing how miserable you are --- that doesn't make you a creep hon, that is your core self saying "HEY! Something needs to change here..." Take the love you have for your little one, the love you used to have for their father, and find some sort of couselor - United Way, YMCA -- they have free programs and referrals. Maybe you will only need to talk with someone a few times to get some clarity and ideas on what decision to make. And remember, as you get information - that will address some of your other worries if you do decide to divorce, ie how to do it with seemingly no money, where to live. The other thing I want you to remember is domestic abuse is literally not ONLY physical abuse.

The definition is very broad, and in many states, even the legal term has been expanded to include emotional, mental, legal, and psychological abuse. I didn't think of going to an abuse 'shelter' since in my experience and knowledge those were places women and or children who were physically beaten horribly turned to. And that is a major reason for the existence of these shelters; however they have some programs that are available for women in other limiting, or damaging situations who are trying to get help. Call around. Please. You might actually be getting information with which you can work with your husband and save your marriage; on the other hand it may be information which will save you and your child from living in misery in an unhealthy and dysfunctional home.

These are your decisions to make of course, and getting other people's advice or tips and information will not erase the problems you are now facing. You obviously love your son very much! At the least, take that love and use it to dig deep into your heart and find a way to get out there and get information, get help and take action. Even 'baby steps' as we often say here on this board. The "treading water" part was really the hardest and took the most toil on me. Praying for you Indigo... and come here anytime with questions or if you just feel like venting. You will find there are some way amazing mama's and daddy's on this board who have something in common --- they understand everyone posting here are at different points on their journey. Its amazing what some of these folks will say and do to help each other. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:27am

Indigo,

I forgot earlier...here is a link which may provide some insight into the sorts of difficulties you are facing...lots of info there about other aspects of abuse in relationships,not only physical. Hope it helps a little, Peace, Annah

www.drirene.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:58pm
i found this site very interesting. thanks for posting it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:33pm
I, like you, have been married for 4 years also. To my middle school prom date no less. My husband is not your typical guy, I'll give you that. He's very smart, mostly mentally and doesn't conform well to modern society. Me, on the otherhand, have always been very conservative, go with the flow, don't rock any boats and try to have fun going through life as irritating as it can be sometimes. He has driven me crazy over the last year or so. Up one week, down the next. And I have the same problem as you with no one to talk to but my family and they are biased just like yours and just say to get a divorce. My husband has recently decided that he no longer cares about ANYTHING - our house, our pets, our relationship - NOTHING. We used to be happy and have fun together, joke around and do things at our house during our free time. We could sit for hours at a time with nothing on and just talk and hang out. Now, he's mad all the time, doesn't want to talk to me, won't help with anything at all around the house and gets mad when I finally get tired of doing all the work plus working the bread-winning job of the household. I do all the laundry, I take care of all of our pets (meds, food, baths, etc.), I have to try to fix things that break around the house, pay all the bills, on and on and on.... He won't lift a finger to do anything - says he just doesn't feel like doing anything anymore. When I ask him if he's having an affair, he tells me I'm stupid and that the last thing he needs is another woman to deal with. Like you say about your man, he twists my words every time I try to talk to him and just makes me so confused that I don't even know what my original point was. That's why I say he's smart mentally. He has two kids by his first wife, I have none. We lived together for a year before getting married and I left him b/c he refused to get married or have more children. He came back to me wanting to get married and saying that we could have a baby. 4 years later, I'm still here with no baby and feel like I hardly have a husband anymore. I think of divorce, but like you, I worry that I'm the one in the wrong here. He says that I want things all my way and don't take his ideas or thoughts into consideration, but his ideas make no sense to me. Things like, fixing a broken water pipe. We've had a water leak in our house for almost a year now. He finally got around to busting the ceiling to find the leak and now we've had a hole in our ceiling for almost a year b/c he won't fix it. He says that things are all my way b/c I am adament about getting it fixed when he says to leave it b/c it's not causing the house to fall down. Stuff like that, just makes no sense to me. He won't let me run the heat in our house during winter b/c he says it's a waste to run it with just us two here. So, I freeze to death half the time, but then things are all my way. See what I mean? If I want to go have dinner with my family or if they call me at night, he gets angry. But, if he wants to go fishing on the weekend with his guy friends and I say something, I'm being a pain in the butt. It just never ends. He's a nice guy and I love him to death b/c we used to be really happy, but I'm at my wits end too. I'm more miserable than I am happy anymore and he refuses to admit that there are problems and fix them. Do I just give up and tell him I want a divorce or am I really being too independent and wanting things my way?? Our stories are different, but we have a lot in common, I think. I know this doesn't really give you an answer to your question, but hopefully will let you know that you are not alone. I think that your husband should be involved in your child's life and should want you to enjoy yours. I don't think it's too much for you to ask that he offer to help out with your son and let you have time to yourself sometimes. Everyone needs that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:31pm

Thanks for posting that site.

In the past, sometimes people would say my xh was emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling, but I couldn't come up with very many examples of it and we'd go for months without a problem and seemed so happy the first few years. I had a hard time believing it when a therapist told me a few years ago that some of what he was doing in the marriage was abusive.

He rarely got really angry with me or yelled at me - he never once hit me - but when he did yell at me, he would say the meanest things and then apologize profusely later and would promise he'd never do it again. He also did a lot of criticizing. I recognized that his wanting to know who I talked to during the day and what was said and also listening in on my phone conversations was controlling. His insistence that no-one (including family) needed to know what was going on in our house always seemed pretty weird. But I always felt like I didn't have much evidence beyond that of abuse - I just thought I was 'the bad guy'. I was the one messing up the marriage. I was the one that needed counseling - he didn't. He always would tell me that I was to blame and I bought it.

After reading that site - I can see so many other things now that he did...things getting turned back onto me, me being at fault because he was unhappy, and me never being good enough no matter what I did. Wow. There were things that I did do wrong in the marriage, but I didn't mess things up all on my own! I was not too surprised to read that some people have addictions in addition to the controlling behavior - I saw evidence of that in the xh too.

After reading all that, I am doubly glad I am divorced from him and I can see more clearly that many of the things he has been trying to do since we got divorced is him still attempting to control things - including me. I do not know if his new gf is aware of it yet, but I can see where he is doing the controlling bit with her, too - though at this point it is more an attempt to 'win her over' by making himself look good and bending over backwards to make her happy.

Thanks again for the eye opener. It helped give me some ideas of what I need to work on in order to have some kind of co-parenting relationship with him that isn't going to drive me nuts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:26am
Hello! Your husband sounds exactly like mine! Have you tried the codependancy board? It has really helped me out. Also, you might want to look at this site, too: http://groups.msn.com/Npartners/ Hope one of those helps. If you want my story, I just posted it this morning on the codependancy board. It's called one day at a time. What you're going through right now is exactly what I went through before the separation. Good luck!
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