Married Single?
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 7:51pm |
I have been married to my H for almost 12 years, we were separated for 4 years before he moved to the East Coast from the West Coast to remain married to me. We have been back together for 4 years. The first year was GREAT - mostly. And slowly over time, the things that drove me away the first time have surfaced.
Most of our issues revolve around being "married single" and not a married couple.
A few of the issues are hoarding food - yes, he hides food he buys in his car, and today I found a can of chicken under his desk...I kid you not. Financial Secrecy - he has bills delivered to his business... and we are always broke - we make MORE money that most of the neighbors with a house full of kids and new cars, etc. but we live like misers and we have no children together - other than his 17 year old son who lives with his ex. he refuses to come clean with where the money is going... or why. (I know part of it was to send his son to France for 2 weeks with the French club. No way, could we afford that, but it was never discussed with me.)
We do not have a joint checking account, or any joint accounts.
When we sold our house on the West Coast, we made a significant amount of money - of which HE paid off HIS bills, and conveniently "forgot" about mine... so I am paying off bills a little at a time out of the money my business brings in. If I have to go to the Dr. *I* have to have the money for the co-pay, because he is "broke." Prescriptions I purchased with "my money" he submitted to his pretax plan at work, got the claim money and kept the money.
We are in our mid forties.. and I just don't want to keep living the rest of my life like this... but I am scared that to leave. Is that normal??
My first marriage ended in divorce, but my situation was different then, and I just picked up stuff and slowly moved out over about 4 months and then eventually moved to another state. Of course, I was 15 years younger and able to get good paying corporate jobs with a blink of an eye. Not so anymore.
I guess I need to know that I am not nuts, thinking about leaving him. I feel like if i have to take care of myself anyhow (except for the mortgage-which he pays and the car insurance) should I stay?? Am I being unreasonable?
help!!!!

HI there..... his behavior does sound strange, and at the very least, you need to get a grasp on your whole financial picture.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Well while my DH was out of town on a business trip, I did some snooping. I didn't find anything hugely incriminating...but somethings I found I had no idea about. One of them is why his child support - which is not court ordered - went up by almost $400 a month 3 years ago. I don't have a problem with his son, or the support, etc. But is it unfair of me to want to have some discussion about where "our" money is going??
I also found out he has been making $1400 a month payments to American Express, and I have no idea what that is for - he hides those bills.
I also found a woman's name, her phone number and her AOL email address in her handwriting on a piece of paper in his laptop bag. Hmmmmmm ....
I have decided to sit down with him and tell him I cannot and willnot live like this anymore. It isn't the $$$ it is the secrecy, the deceit, etc.
I am scared to death to do this, as I know he will turn everything around on me to make it "my fault." But if I don't do anything, I will have no one to blame for my misery, but myself.
Wish me luck!
Good luck, be strong and go through what you need to.
You *need* to do what's best for you, even though it's hard and it hurts.
Sounds like you're more than just "Married Single"!