Massively Long Intro
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| Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:44pm |
Hey, all. I've been lurking on these boards for a few days now, and thought I'd introduce myself.
I separated from STBXH a little over two years ago. There were quite a few problems including mental issues, alcoholism and emotional abuse, and I pretty much just woke up one day and decided that I'd had enough. No major drama, really...I simply told him that I wanted to leave him, and then I did.
It was actually quite civilized at first. I had high hopes that we could continue to be friends and have an amicable divorce. I was trying to be fair to him, I was trying to be fair to our then 3-year old DS, I was trying to be fair to me. Turns out I was way too nice. We started out with an agreed divorce. Quick, clean, inexpensive, and we thought that we were adult enough to be able to work out any differences in the settlement on our own. I was allowing him to take our son with him on his out of town business trips to help him with the assurance that Daddy would be a big part of his life, and it also gave me a chance to do some job hunting and try to get settled into the new routine (I had been a SAHM up until I left). The understanding was that the travel would only go on for a few months, tops.
At first I had agreed to wait to file. He wanted me to make sure that I didn't have a change of heart during that time. I knew it was over and there was no way I was going back to him, but I had agreed to give him that. However, he wouldn't leave me alone. He'd call me late at night telling me about fun things he was doing, the idea being that he wanted me to know what I was missing and that he wished I was there with him. He sent me flowers. He used the spare key to my car, which I hadn't thought to get from him, to leave things inside it. He sent me cards, presents and flowers. He continued to tell me he loved me, and when I asked him to stop, he told me that it was his "right" to tell me that he loved me, and I couldn't stop him. He had never done ANY of these things while we were together, and I wasn't comfortable at all with him starting this up after I was gone. I made this clear to him many times, and told him in no uncertain terms that it was over and that I wouldn't be changing my mind, but he kept on. In the beginning I had been trying to let him down gently. That was a mistake, but I don't think it would have mattered one way or another. In fact, if I had told him that I hated his guts and never wanted to see him again, he probably would have come on even stronger.
I had never promised him that I wouldn't date other people, as hard as he tried to talk me into that, and I did meet and begin dating an amazing man. Even after I was involved with my DBF (we're still together), STBX was continuing with the unwelcome gestures. Even after my relationship with DBF was becoming serious, and long after I had made it clear that there was no chance whatsoever of reconciliation, STBXH was asking me to accompany him to out-of-state marriage seminars...all kinds of things that completely violated the boundaries that I was trying to set up with him. I decided that the only way to get my point across to him was to go ahead and file, which I did the very next day. Again, I was going to go the agreed divorce route, so at our hearing to set up a temporary order of custody, I didn't have a lawyer. I signed a temporary custody agreement giving STBXH 50% visitation and joint custody, and child support was set. I was actually relieved - he had accidentally-on-purpose miscalculated the amount of child support that he owed the first few months we were separated, and the agreement assured that DS would now be getting his fair share.
Signing the agreement was the biggest mistake of my entire life.
The problem was that STBXH was still taking our son on trips. Now that he had the custody agreement in writing, he didn't have to stop, and he immediately reneged his agreement with me that our son would not continue with the travel for any significant period of time.
Not long after this, STBXH got hit by a drunk driver. DS was in the car with him, and the driver hit on his side. He was ok, thank heaven, but there was no way of knowing that at the time. Not only did STBX not inform me of the accident until almost a day later, it also came out that he sent DS to the doctor with his (STBX's) sister, whom, at the time, DS barely knew. Apparently, STBX had a meeting to go to, and this trumped any possible injury or emotional trauma that DS might have been dealing with. It was at that time that I decided to retain a lawyer and go for sole custody. He's done many things over the course of all of this that have reinforced for me the fact that this is the right thing to do, but to go into all of them would make this even longer to tell.
For one reason and another, the case is still dragging on. Supposedly, it should be finished very soon, but I'm not holding my breath. We've had our motion for pre-trial submitted for weeks, and not a peep has been heard out of the judge as far as setting a date goes. In the meantime, our son has completely missed preschool because his father insists on continuing to take him out of state with him every other week. He is living in two different time zones, he has 4 different sets of rules (2 day cares and 2 households), and pretty much no stability. He is supposed to start kindergarten in 2 1/2 months. STBXH has indicated to the evaluator that he has every intention of permanently moving out-of-state. He is also asking for sole custody, which means that he wants to move our son away from me, knowing that I can't afford to buy plane tickets to visit him (STBX's company pays for our son to fly back and forth at the moment).
I know that there's little to no chance that this will actually happen. The evaluator's opinion was that I should be granted physical custody, and that we should have joint legal custody with a "liberal visitation schedule" for STBXH (not sure what that means, or how liberal it would actually be, since our judge doesn't like overnight visits on school nights). Generally, the judge goes with the evaluator's opinion, but in our state, she can't grant joint custody unless both parties agree. The main things I'm worried about are certain particulars.
I'm also nervous about the fact that it's going to trial at all. My lawyer says I have nothing to worry about, I'm holding all of the cards, but when I tried to get STBXH to settle (my terms were sole physical and legal custody to me with probably a more liberal visitation schedule than the judge would grant, plus he reimburse me all of my legal fees, and I was willing to walk away from the rest), he refused. I KNOW that he doesn't have anything, but I can't help but wonder what he's willing to make up, or what he THINKS he has, that might get him a better deal than I offered. He makes a lot more money than I do, and I can take him for quite a bit (and intend to, if this goes to trial). In the meantime, his counter-offer was to move me to his area. Basically, he's asking that I give up my job, my friends, BF's and my new house - not to mention BF himself, because he owns a business and is in no position to move - my extended family being within reasonable driving distance, and everything else that I love, all because he would find it more convenient. In exchange for MY ENTIRE LIFE, he'd be willing to pay for the U-Haul and set me up in a crappy little apartment somewhere. Magnanimous, no? Of course, it doesn't occur to him to move back here because, heaven forbid, he'd be making less money than he does now. Actual sacrifices on his part for his son's sake? He never has before, why start now?
In the meantime, I'd be living in a city that I hate, near his family whom I can't stand, and would have to start the divorce proceedings from square one. Then again, in this perfect little fantasy world of his, he's probably figuring that we'd just magically reconcile. In fact, I'm SURE he is.
Filing didn't get the point across to him that it was over, obviously. Even after my BF and I had been living together for awhile, he was offering me plane tickets to go on vacations with him. He wrote "happy anniversary!" in the memo section of one of his child support checks on the date that would have been our anniversary. As we were waiting to go into the courtroom for a hearing, he bumped into an acquaintance and made a remark about how "the wife just got back into town from visiting her relatives," making it sound like I headed straight into the kitchen and put on my apron to fix him a nice pot roast after I unpacked. Mostly I'm good at ignoring it, and it's gotten less and less, but it still crops up far more often than it should.
So that's where I'm at. Just waiting, and it's driving me nuts. All I want is for this to end, and for the travel to stop so that DS can have some constancy and stability. He handles it better than might be expected. He is definitely suffering, but he's been seeing a psychologist (on STBX's insurance, but I pay the entire co-pay and STBX hasn't been to see her once, even though she's requested that he call her and I've given him the contact info), and is doing well. He's a wonderful, caring, well-behaved and intelligent boy. He and my DBF have an excellent relationship, and I try to keep the strain of the divorce out of my relationship with DS. I also try to provide him with a consistent routine and set of rules while he's with me, and generally to give him as much stability to hang onto as I possibly can. I'm not a perfect mother, but I try hard to be enough.
If you've read this far...thanks. I've been feeling fairly alone in all of this, and it's good to know that I'm not (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).
- HisMija
