MATCH.COM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
MATCH.COM
13
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 1:27pm

I would like to know if anybody's relationship was affected by match.com. I met my ex-husband on match.com and found out that he was still frequenting the site after we got married (along with swingers websites). However, it continued to progress to the point where I found him on the sites all of the time. After our divorce was final, I came to find out that he started to email women months before. SHOULD I BE HURT? HAS ANYONE ELSE EXPERIENCED PROBLEMS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP DUE TO INTERNET DATING SITES?

Thanks,
Kristi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:33pm

Kristi...

Pianoguy (who IS registered with match.com along with a few other 'foolproof' dating services) thinks that INTERNET DATING is basically 'a crap shoot!'

Some people find their perfect soulmate...others don't!

.

Apparently, you chose a husband who loved you, but wanted to continue to 'cruise chicks on the internet?' And this reinforces the fact that the excellent communication 2 people MIGHT HAVE on opposite sides of a computer screen...can gradually deteriorate the moment they get...err...'up close and personal?'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:38pm

Yes- you are right....but it also reinforces his internet addiction.... I believe that the internet has provided more avenues to people who might be unstable anyway. My ex was a sex/love addict and deeply hurt our marriage due to this. One more question - do you think that it is due to his addiction that he went right back on after our divorce? Cannot be alone?

Just wondering....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:44pm

abandoned-in-mn...

PG is aware of two types of males:

a. The ones who were always turned on by visiting a 'sexually oriented internet site' prior to marriage....and never shook the habit!

and

b. The ones who resorted to 'visiting a sexually oriented internet site' because there was a lot of disharmony at home!

Which of these REALLY applies in your situation?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:52pm
I still do not know why we got divorced. It actually ended two weeks ago.... five weeks ago he told me that he loved me and wanted to make it work.... We had a lot of problems in our relationship due to the internet porn and sex addiction. He loved his fantasies and would have rather been with them than with me. He wanted to get help since we said he loved me and didnt want to hurt me, but never did. We become further and further apart due to his not "acting" like a married man.... no guy friends, only girls- 200 text messages in one month to and from girls.... two weeks after we got married he came home at midnight (not telling me where he was) after being out with the girls from work.... I wonder if he even knew what love was... Anyway, I guess that I am just hurt due to the fact that it didnt even take him one day before he started looking for another woman....I confronted him about this and he stated that it was to help him get through....I dont know.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:03pm

To me, it sounds like your H is a classic example of a man who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wanted the stability of marriage, yet he still wanted to be able to play the field.


Quite honestly, based on what you wrote, his behavior was utterly abysmal.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:25pm
You are right....when we split up, he and I both knew that he had a lot of issues to work on. He said that if he could get them straightened out, he would give us a chance. I told him that he needs to focus on himself, not Match.com. He said that he would take his profile off - it isn't... Some days it is on, some days it is off. I know that he is still emailing since he actually emailed a girl from my work (not knowing that he did). I don't understand why he is still lying to me. He says that he is off - I know that he still actively emails girls in the site. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT HE IS LYING TO ME?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 6:14pm
He is lying because he is an unhealthy, mixed up individual. He lies because that is what addicts do. No, he probably doesn't know what love is because addicts are usually to tied up with their addictions and issues to ever experience love. You just can't expect quality behavior from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 6:25pm

You are right....thanks for your replies...... I cannot believe that I got mixed up in with an individual like this.... I changed my entire life for him. Moved from AZ to MN, gave up a great job, great friends and family to move to a state where I knew absolutely nobody. ONE YEAR later - I am divorced. I gave up so much - I am so hurt that he could not give up anything for me. I guess that I am just in pure disbelief..... I am the type of person who cannot hurt a fly............. I don't understand how he can do this to me and not feel remorse.....He says he does, but doesn't show it.... VERY PAINFUL....I cannot get through one day without crying....... To make matters worse, I now have no money to my name and am forced to work two jobs if I want to get back to where I was. He took all of my money and financial security....... I think that I need someone to smack me upside the head to make me see what kind of person he is....I always give him the benefit of the doubt......

Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 7:01pm
Kristi, don't continue to beat yourself up! You tried to make a marriage work, and it failed. It happens to many of us. Don't feel ashamed. We all make mistakes and learn from them. Now, it's time to stop giving him the benefit if the doubt and start focusing your time and energy on YOU. Practice being selfish! You've given enough of yourself to him.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
In reply to: abandoned_in_mn
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 7:25pm
Thank you........ I appreciate that.... I will work on that...Right now, I am just working on the tears - trying to make them stop :)

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