But maybe I WON'T survive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
But maybe I WON'T survive.
9
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:27am
First of all....pleaseohpleaseohplease read this all. I am feeling so alone and desperate...I just need some words. Or something.
My name is Sarah. I am 25 years old. I have to start at the beginning for my story to make sense. I had a boyfriend for the first two years of college, and I got pregnant by him. He bolted just about the second I told him. After I had my daughter, I moved to a bigger city to find work. I lived in a crappy apt, but did okay as a single mom. I felt very sad for me and my daughter, and thought no one would ever love us. After being at my job for a few weeks, I met this guy Mark. He was 11 years older, and divorced w/ a daughter. We became fast friends and eventually began dating. I won't lie...part of my attraction was the he liked ME! My self esteem was zero and it felt good. about 7 months into our relationship I became pregnant while ON birth control. I was devastated, my baby was only 9 months old, and I wanted to freak out. He was very loving and kind, and reassured me that he loved me, he would provide for us, and we could be a family. He proposed the next month and we became a blended family. The first two years were great. We had another little girl, so our 3 daughters became close and it was nice. His job duties began to change, he did more marketing (drinking w/ clients) and his personality started to change. Shortly after that, he got offered a job in Tampa, FL. ( we lived in Ohio) His father and brother (both loser, moocher, gambling addicted alcholics) lived there, and I DID NOT want to go. I made that explicitly clear. We had a beautiful house, friends, family ...there was no reason to uproot it all. But he made the decision to take the job, and said I am going, you can come if you want. Of course I went. He was my husband. But that, my friends, was the beginning of the end. In FL, I will admit that I was much less than supportive. I had no one but my kids there, I worked very long hours, and my husband abandoned me in every way. We had sex maybe once every 8 weeks..he would dissappear for entire weekends, he partied every single day w/ his father and brother, while I was lost and alone and trying to raise a family. I was horribly miserable. He turned from a heavy social drinker into a hardcore alcoholic. It began to dictate his every decision. whether or not he could drink before during or after. So finally after 14 months, I said..I'm going back. You can come or stay.
He chose to come, I know now, because of our daughter to gether, and the one he had left behind in Ohio. He took a massive paycut to be transferred back up and it hurt us very much financially. We bought a house in OH (different town..separate from any family) and got jobs, enrolled our girls in preschool. And his alcoholism progressed. Now, he drinks every single day, during his workday, drives drunk, etc. etc. He thinks I am crazy for thinking he has a problem. He doesn't look at me, touch me, talk to me. I feel like a piece of furniture, just a stationary object in the house.
the last straw came a few weeks ago when my stepdaughter told me that while i was out of town, he had left her alone (she's 8) with my daughters, who are 5 and 3.5 . I freaked out and wanted to kill him. I told him to get out. He signed a lease on Saturday and is moving out this week.
I have two huge problems with my situation...#1 is money. I am broke. we have so much debt. He spends it all on alcohol, pot, and cigarettes. he has agreed to pay the mortgage for one year to let me figure out what to do. I only make a minimal amount, I work mostly for the insurance. I do not know how I'll ever survive. Yes, child support...but it isn't enough. My first daughter is only ordered to recieve $200 a month...which doesn't even pay for her daycare.
#2 is GUILT. I am wracked with it. maybe I should have just lived with it, for my daughter to have a father aruond. Now neither of them do. I feel terrible that he is going to hit the bottom and have nothing but his drunk family and a bottle for company. I don't want him to die drinking and driving. Who will keep him accountable? And of course...my baby girl, who so adores her daddy it makes my heart break. and My other daughter, who has known him as a step dad for always. How do I make it okay for them. They are all I care about...I want them to be okay. and him too.
I have lost myself. please help me, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:02pm

I can hear the pain you are going through; emotions are all crazy and you have a lot of stress right now. I would urge you to find someone you can trust to talk to; and if you have no close friends, then find a women's abuse shelter and ask for a counselor. You may not qualify for certain types of assistance there; but in my experience they will definitely set you up with someone to help you talk/sort things out.

If you focus on the love you have for your children; that can be your priority and a way to take baby-steps to action, rather than just words. It is easy to 'freeze' like a deer which suddenly faces car headlights...don't; find strength and take little steps. Talk to someone. There are many super people on this board and I can honestly say the information and encouragement I have found here has made a huge difference in the journey my kids and I are traveling. That said however, you need to find help in your local community. Begin to gather information. Be as basic as sitting down and listing some pro's and con's....One column listed as "Staying with him" and the other "Creating a Strong Life".

I don't know how to explain to you that 'feeling' what you are is absolutely valid and an important part of getting through a relationship breakup, but you must NOT get mired down in the emotions, else the saying "If you want something to change, do something different" is applicable. That is not an oversimplification either. You have obviously given years to a relationship which has problems. You have GIVEN. For now, pay attention to your health - emotional, mental and physical so you can be strong for your girls. Information is power; start to gather it.

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I want you to know that you have more ability, more strength than you probably feel right now and more importantly ... You Deserve To Be Happy. Making decisions to figure out how to move on with a different life is a good thing for you and your children. Facilitate a relationship between them and their dad; disconnect the relationship you have with him. If you are not at a point to do that legally, get counseling and decide if you want to invest more time in it. Take care of yourself hon --- you and the kids need YOU to be okay so you can all go forward! Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:26pm

Take a DEEP breath. You are going to survive, and it WILL be OK. There is NO WAY you should have to put up with treatment like that, for any reason. Eventually, your children would see how damaging your H's behavior is.


So let's go one step at a time. First, do you have an employee assistance program where you and your children could get some free counseling? Or is it covered by your insurance? Second, go see a lawyer. Most will give a free initial consultation. After I saw my attorney, I felt a million times better. Even if you can't afford to hire one now, just getting some questions answered will put your mind at ease.


Right now, forget about him. Focus on yourself and the children. Take one day at a time.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:27pm

Hi,

I just joined this board a few hours ago, but have been posting on the "dealing with addictions" board for a gew years now. One thing I can defintely recommend is Al-anon. It's basically free. It is an amazing program. You would definitely find support there for what you are going thru.

One of the many things I learned there was the three C's. You didnt cause it (alcoholics like to blame everyone else) You cant control it (there are hundreds of what if's, but nothing YOU can do) You can't cure it (only the Alcoholic can want to look for the cure).

If you ever walk into an Al-ateen meeting (where everyone are children) you will often hear them state its the parent that DOESN'T drink thats the crazy one. The drinker is never dealing with the real day-to-day problems. It's true. You will become very sick living like that for a long time without getting into some kind of support. And only you and the kids and your husb will suffer.

Don't look to far into the future. Focus on today and what you can do today to get through. Educate yourself on your choices so that ALL your doors are open. Your kids will be fine. As long as they have a mom who is concious that there is a problem and not willing to live with it.

Big Hugs,
Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:41am
Getting out is the biggest and most loving thing you can do for your children. Living with alcoholism will destroy you all. I grew up that way so I speak from experience. I love the suggestion to go to Al-Anon. Also, read about codependency. Do you have a church family to turn to? Please post often because I know that leaving an alcoholic is HARD!! They've spent years making YOU feel crazy and responsible. Please be kind to yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:29am

Hi,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. Is there anyone in his family (his mom, a sister, etc...) that sees that your husband drinks too much and might be willing to talk to him. It may be that he would take the advice of someone else if he has already made up his mind that you are being too hard on him. If you can get someone to help him with this problem the other issuses will be much easier to handle.

Still, even though you want to help him, you can kept your girls in a situation in which he abandons them to go out. Even the most mature 8-year-old can't be left in charge of a 3-year-old. Until (unless) he straitens up I think you are doing the right thing by living apart.

I am not very religious myself but if you are and can find a good church they may be able to help you. I know that when one friend of mine was going through her divorce that her church helped provide childcare and basic things for her home until she got on her feet.

Good luck. I know it all seems hopeless now but it will eventually get better.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:18pm
I can't remember all the names..but thanks to you guys who responded.
to answer a few questions..
No, my company does not provide employee assistance and my insurance sucks..but my pastor is going to hook me up w/ a lady who does counseling pro bono.
that answers another question...I DO have a good church family, and I am so grateful for that. None of my family lives around me, they are the closest thing I've got. The only hard part is actually telling people. I feel so ashamed. Not so much for the divorce/seperation...but about him being an alcoholic. I haven't been upfront, I have tried to hide it. I'm ashamed. For staying so long and for choosing someone like that for my kids' father. I don't know.
Thanks for the support, I really needed it and really appreciate it. I'll be back often, I'm sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 3:27pm
They may adore their father now but they'll hate him when they're older and they'll hate you for not kicking him out. He's no good to them this way, let alone you but I'm going the kids route because that's what's going to give you the strength to get out. Imagine he drives with them in the car while he's drunk? I grew up with an alcoholic father and I really did blame my mother for a long time for "letting" it happen. There's no reason to stay. He's not a good father, he's not a good husband. There's a hundred reasons to leave. It's scary, it's hard but it's not impossible. You can do it, you will survive and you and your beautiful daughters will live a much happier life because of it. And they will look up to you for it. Trust me, when they're older, they will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:31pm

#1 first and foremost is get yourself into counseling. Your self esteem has been shot for a long time, from your first relationship I'm willing to bet you never got help for it the first go around and never learned to really deal with your self esteem issues and instead wrapped them up in a man instead of learning to love yourself properly. So start there. Once you learn to love yourself everything else will follow.

#2 Contact the state welfare department, if you meet the criteria, if you have 3 children, do you receive child support from first child's father??? If not maybe it's time to get on the horn and start DOR in the process of getting that going

YOu will survive. I understand its lonely, that's what everyone here is for, for you to vent to, to lean on, to cry to, its a difficult thing but being codependent on a spouse that uses alcohol as a crutch just to say hey to your kids at least you have a dad. Isn't the answer. You did the right thing. Your children are not better off having an emotionally absentee alcoholic father at home with them that leaves them at home alone, your children could have been killed being left alone at home while he was off on a bender or god knows where.

YOu need to take care of you and them first and foremost. If your job doesn't pay you enough, time to update your resume and put it out on Monster.com and look for something better, it might take you awhile to get a better paying job but be persistant. Instead of a daycare facility try to find someone who does daycare out of their home they are usually a little less expensive. It's going to be tough, but you can survive, try not to look at life in the negative....stay tough. Please get into counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:32pm

I, too, was ashamed I married an alcoholic. To this day (and especially now that things have gotten so bad) I can't beleive the choices I made. But, really alcoholics are not bad people. They are sick though. Sick with something that you will never be able to change. They could, there is hope. But, right now in your situation, holding onto the hope is the definition of insanity (I mean that light-heartedly). Repeating the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the defintiion of insanity. Time for a change and only you the still semi-healthy one can do it!! I did it so can you!!

Hang in there,
Jan