Maybe, we were a little too young.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Maybe, we were a little too young.
6
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 4:51pm

I married my highschool sweetheart at 20, and he was 19. Although we had our typical arguments, and I'll admit that sometimes we didnt confront them the right way, 2 years into our marriage, he comes to me with "i need space, i need my time, i'm confused" -- that's ALL i got, out of nowhere. At this point of our marriage, we were already contemplating kids, we had gone to the doctors to get my body ready, we had FINALLY got out OWN house, and just finished a 20,000.00 remodeling! It had been a crazy month, a bit busy, so we didnt really even have time to argue. Right before we moved in our house, he comes to me and tells me this... I was devasted, I couldnt talk to him because he was SO mad, and I didnt even know why. He didnt want to talk to me, he didnt want to be around me, AND this was the man who was always so happy, so romantic, always touching me or something, it was deffinately odd.

So, to make the story short, that was in September, we didnt work it out. He was talking to an old flame and till this day, he swears up and down that it wasnt ABOUT HER. It was because he just needed the taste of freedom. After almost 3 months of being separated, 2 weeks that I had gone without seeing him, he calls me and tries to get in contact again, that lasted for a week and then I told him that I needed him out of my life... he agrees, and then the week after he calls me and MAKES me see him, so he could tell me that he needs me, that he wants to run away with me and forget the world. That he realized that he threw away so much for nothing. I think about it, and then, he says he wants to start out again from the begging, to start dating again... so, he tells me to think about it.

You'd think why it wouldnt be so easy to get back together? Well because my family got involved, they got involved because of the financial issues. Because my parents helped us getting our place renovated, and all. I NEVER did anything to his family, LET ALONE HIM.. and she doesnt like me anymore, and is begging his son not to ever go back with me, regardless of how he feels, because they have a lot of "PRIDE". (i know this isnt necessary, but my mother in law took back my father in law PLENTY of times, they were separated for almost 10 yrs, and he would come in and out of her life. My sister in law? her husband cheated on her numerous times, humiliated the family, belittled our mother in law, and they accepted him back in the family?) What have I done? I took care of her son, I always loved him, I could NEVER EVER hurt him... and I always made sure he stayed close with his family. Wow..

it's pretty ridiculous to me. So, i talked to him over about this whole dating thing, he starts DOUBTING everything again, and I get mad and I told him to quit playing games, why did he come back to me if he STILL doesnt know what he wants? I'm sure just to take a last kick with me, because.. WHO DOES THAT? i'm young, but I always had my head on right, I knew what i would be getting in when I married him and I was willing to do it all, but him? Why is he playing with me? I will never ever move on.

All our stuff, after 3 months... IT'S STILL UNPACKED. because I... i'm too scared to go through our things. I miss him terrible and I never felt this kind of pain before. Everything is so unfamiliar, I don't understand why things work out this way.

Regardless of everything, I love him.. but I dont even know him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:18pm

Hi Ohroxie,


From your post it sounds like maybe (just maybe) your husband "freaked out" about the time you acquired your own home. Its possible the reality of marriage finally hit him. It happens. You see, I think a lot of us get married in the heat of romance without much thought to the hard facts like home ownership, children, and with it debts, obligations, and deep commitment. Some can be married as long as it feels like dating. Once you start "settling down" it becomes scary, so scary that some people leave or bolt because they realize its "real."


Have you tried to talk to your husband about his expectations of your marriage? Ask open-ended questions like "When we got married what did you think it would be like?" And then sit back and let him talk. Often, we enter marriage with all kinds of UNspoken expectations like, "We'll have kids in 2 years." Or, "We'll buy a house by our 5th anniversary." Or, "We'll spend every Christmas with my family." Lots of those kinds of things. BUT, we never say them outloud much less talk about them with our spouse. See how it can be scary when things start happening?


I'd strongly encourage the two of you to seek professional marriage counseling. What you both need right now is objectivity and tools to help communicate with each, cope with the family interference, and determine how best to address your marital crisis. It's worth the work.


Let us know how you are doing.


Peace and blessings,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:40pm
Just think about the situation long and hard. I married at 20- here I am 18 years later and I keep asking my DH if he thinks we were married too young- I am sure we needed more time to grow and really know about life- If my kids want to get married that young I will beg them not too-
We have a good marriage- loving- and have great kids-BUT if you can have this time- just enjoy it because FOREVER is such a long time...long, long time. FOREVER , and if its questionable now, that could possibly drag on for years. You don't want to wake up 20 years later- and think "What the..."
Think about it..and I wish you well, however the outcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:54am
When you marry before you have had a chance to grow up you take a bigger chance. I did also, but stayed married for 25 years. Seems to me your husband comes from a family that accepts infidelty without much of a fuss. You can see what their lives are like and yours will be the same. I knew before you said anything that there was another woman involved. You may very well be setting yourself up for repeated heartbreak if you stay. Another thing I read here is that you feel that you did everything right so why is this happening? This is not your fault.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 8:41am
First of all let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish no one had to ever go through what I already have. I could have wrote your post 20 years ago with one exception, my ex husband never communicated to me that he needed space, and I was pregnant with our son when I found out that he was stuggling with this 'space' thing. His family on the other hand was encouraging me to forgive and forget and I had none of my own to tell me that I would be ok alone if I seeked that path. Needless to say I did forgive and forget, I allowed him all the freedom he wanted in our marriage, with the exception of never being able to talk to this woman again, things were great for him for the next 17 years, we went on to have two more great kids, he did and always will love me. I made things work for us, he got to hang out with his friends, buy and play with all of his toys, he had control over our entire life. I sacrificed any of my own wants to keep our family together. We did have some great memories. We never argued, I always gave in to whatever he wanted. I loved my kids more than life itself and would do anything to provide them with a complete family. A week before Christmas, 17 years later, I come home from work early to find him on the phone talking to this same girl from many years ago. I will skip all of the details and hurt and pain that I have been through. I will only let you in on this, in the end it all comes down to this, we were too young, and when we both grew up we ended up realizing that different things made each of us happy. I still till this day love him and always will and he will me but it was because of that love for him and for my own happiness I needed to let him go. I still have moments of hurt but I also still have many, many moments of great joy. The kids have a respect for me that most parents can only hope for. His family was mine for 20 years but when it came down to me filing for divorce(with good reason) they still held it against me (I didn't work hard enough to make this work-yeah right!). The kids and I still have a very strong 'complete' family. I date but I don't let anyone close, not saying this is right, but for me I already sacrificed having my own life when we chose to bring these kids into this world. When they are all grown and gone, it will then be my time to find someone special to spend my days with. I am not saying that things would be better or worse had I made a different choice so many years ago but I do know for a fact that they would have been different definately. For you, you are young enough and only responsible for yourself still. You can not let others including your husband determine what makes you happy. You have to do things for yourself to be happy. You are still young enough to be able to excert a certain amount of selfishness that I no longer have the capability too. If he truely loves you (which I don't doubt that there is some love there just as there is between my exhusband and I)but if he truely loved you he couldn't have hurt you and I have to ask: Has what he done hurt you? In the end it will be your choice what you do but remember there are always consequences to our actions. Trust is a very important thing, it can be lost easily but takes a lot to rebuild it (and it can only be rebuilt with two willing partners). I am not suggesting you throw in the towel, I would never suggest to anyone that, but I am suggesting that you definately both in roll in marriage counseling asap. You two need to work with someone who is objective. My ex and I went to marriage counseling for a little while (after our divorce), it was a great help, I continued with a few sessions of counseling after the first three that we went to together. We were so entangled still in each other's lives that we needed to figure out how to become a married couple again or actually live as a divorced couple who were coparents. I am sure after a few sessions it would become more clear to each of you where exactly you need to go. I pray that he agrees to go with you and that you decide to go either way. Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:14pm

Wow. I am glad that you are out of it now, and I really REALLY appreciate the time you took to share your story with me. You made me realize a lot of things.

Did he hurt me? I felt a pain that I never thought existed. You are right, why put myself through this? he's done it before, why wouldnt he do it again?

I will get back to you, I just need some time to think about things. Again, thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 6:01pm
I am glad you took the time to read my long post. And the best thing you can do is take all the time you need to help you. And if you have any specific questions, don't hesitate to email me or if you just need someone to bounce some things off from or vent to, email me. Hugs to you.