Me and my BIG mouth
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:36pm |
2 more sleeps until i move. 2 more nights of unadulterated hell. The STBX has been doing his best work to demolish me and force me to stay.
Yesterday I told him that I hope that for the kids' sakes we can be civil enough to be able to spend time together- all 4 of us. I told him that if we were civil, it would be fine if he came to my place to see the kids in the evening. I even offered for him to stay there overnight should the driving conditions prevent him driving home. Well, things are far less than civil. Tonight he marched up to me (it really appeared he was marching) and announced that he was going to be at my house every night from 4:00 until the kids went to bed. When i told him that wasn't the way it worked, he had at me again. I guess I'm "so unbelievable" because I told him he could be there whenever he wanted and now I've changed that.
I'm (again) so disappointed that I tried to do something that I thought would be good for the kids, and maybe for him, and he found a way to use it against me to yet again degrade me. Why am I so stupid? Will I ever learn?? Man, I'm so exhausted.

You're trying to be reasonable and offer him extra time with the kids. However, it's really not a good idea to potentially have him spending the night at your new home. If weather conditions were that bad, he could get a hotel or reschedule the visit. With divorce, both parents don't get 100% access to their children. That's why the courts arrange custody and visitation.
Trust me, you do not want him entangled in your new life. It makes the break even more difficult.
I am willing to bet that even if you let him be at your house every day from - say - 4pm until 8pm, he'd be there the first week. The second week he'd be present only a couple of nights. The third week he'd have other engagements. The fourth week you'd have to get a baby sitter if you want to take a break.
Part of divorce life is to rebuild your own - and not to entertain the perfect family picture. If you guys will be civil is something that will be visible only after the whole divorce procedure: during it most couple fight and struggle (if they didn't, they'd stay together!!!). After, if there is a clean split, things can become calm again, and a friendly relationship can be resumed... Maybe it will be like that for you: but certainly not at this stage. SO just survive two more days, arrange for visiting a friend or family maybe for a bit of time, and keep yourself busy: time will fly, and you will be out and free to drive your own life.
I agree with the other posters that your STBX coming over every night, even if it were 15 minutes, is just a bad idea. Maybe you could offer that he call at bedtime to say goodnight? This way he can still say goodnight to the kids, but you can with one click get rid of him if he tries to start telling you how horrible you are.
This whole process is difficult, but one suggestion I'd make to you as things move on is to not offer rewards to him. You said you told him that if you could be civil he could come over in the evenings for the kids sake. He took that as he could do it right now, even though he is clearly not being civil. Perhaps in the future if you FIRST see a behavior change that goes on for a good length of time, you could then offer something like "This Wednesday would you like to come over and spend time with the kids from (insert time frame here)?" This would allow him some additional time with the kids in their home but on YOUR terms.
Do not keep allowing him to run your life.
I agree with everything you've all said. When I offered to let him come over to see the kids on nights they are with me, I thought it would be once a week or so. But he has to ruin everything by being totally unreasonable. Beyond that, he also needs to twist things to make it seem that I am the one who is being unreasonable.
I'm sure it sounds weird, but in all honesty, this has gone on so long- the twisting things and villifying me- that I don't even know the truth. I don't know if all of this trouble is my fault, if it's "in my head", or what. My brain feels mushy.