mediation: helpful or hot mess ...
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| Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:24pm |
needless to say, my Dominique Devereaux faux, floor-length fur is in the cleaners ... again. mediation is early october, following the forward-thinking state of TX's suggestion that placing a selfish, stubborn man in the room with his fuming STBX wife with a a mediator trying to use kind kindergarten words is not only a brilliant idea, it is also the LAW (before you can even get temp. orders)!
oh, this is my favorite part of the mediator's letter to the parties involved: "I try to keep some perspective and sense of humor and encourage the parties and attorneys to do so. Even in the most painful situations there is a way to step back and take a deep breath and review one's priorities." and here i am trying to get tickets to a Dave Chapelle comedy show, when, apparently, this upcoming session will be so amusing in the fact that a man lower than a flea's belly has abandoned his children--what was i thinking, yep, that's hilarious?!!! ... r. u. kidding me, is this what i have to look forward to in mediation?
ick'cuse me ... so, i have to sit across from this man i can barely stomach, much less hear the sound of his voice (oooh, and that darn attorney of his, all 4-foot-9-inches of him) how, how, HOW am i going to do this??? and what good will it do. this is a man who will REFUSE to negotiate ANYTHING ... the same man who's cut himself off totally from his twin DSs since june ... the same man, who just two weeks ago, heard the judge say he needs to care for his children, and if she finds out otherwise, he'll be in trouble with the courts: and guess what, he went into double overddrive to, uh, NOT pay nothing, despite having considerable access to his sons. even told his own son who desperately wants to play football (which i can't afford to pay for him to play) that "that's your mom's problem." just told him that flat out. so, this weekend, DS2 doesn't wanna go over to his dad's cause in DS2's words, the last time he went over there, and pre-June cutoff from them, "Daddy's in his own world: hanging out with friends, out of town, working, or on the phone" and he added, "Mommie, you can't pay for everything, i thought parents were supposed to help their children." after giving him a big hug for his maturity and support, i left the room crying, aching for his pain and wondering how a person could be so cruel to hurt his own children this way -- karma, where are you???
anyhow, i don't mean to appear pessimistic, but WHAT is mediation going to help?? i'll be out $300 mediation fee + $250 per hour in attorneys fees, for what, 3 hours ... cause STBX won't agree to child support, spousal support, equitable custody arrangements, etc. the whole legal process of divorce is such a big racket, money maker, at the expense of the worst challenge many of us will ever face. this emotional rollercoaster is overwhelming. so, i'm guessin' we'll end up in court, anyway. and once again, i'll have to wait and wait for someone of legal authority to make STBX assist with his rearing his children, financially, at least.
need advice on other experiences with mediation: was it helpful or a hot mess and waste of time? and what can you bring: i got so much documentation, i'm losing my mind (sometimes i use my journalism powers for bad (e.g., STBX attorney went on record saying i made more money than STBX, during most, if not all of the marriage; i have bank statements and past tax returns that state otherwise. uh, and he probably shouldn't drive his convertible BMW or 400 series Mercedes for believability ... in the area of me denying STBX access to his own children and removing them from his home 3 months ago; i have on tape STBX telling me that i have custody and he's not paying a dime in child support until courts make him pay, and he'll see his children when they get 18!)
i could go on, but what's the point?
just thankfully there's verbiage in the mediator's letter about not bringing skank GF; although, i'm sure she'll be waiting at the airport ready to congratulate STBX for his continuance in being a pitiful father, selfish narcissist, and all the other things desperate skanks love about loser men who aren't even strong enough to be considered "weak".
i'll need plenty of rope, because this upcoming mediation, will indeed be a goat rodeo ...

Mediation can help if both parties are willing to negotiate.
Remember Danny DeVito's line from the War of the Roses -- "if you won't negotiate I can't help you" !
If you and the STBX are unable or unwilling to negotiate, mediation is a waste of time and money to you. But it is an absolute boon to the mediator and the respective lawyers!
If your lawyer has to be there, make sure your lawyer can put the "blame" for mediation failure on the stbx as quickly as possible, and ensure that the mediation does not go beyond one session.
Or perhaps, in mediation, you all could arrive at a working definition of skank-ness and then rate STBX's stable of skanks on the newly mediated skank-ness scale.