Mediation vs. lawyers

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mediation vs. lawyers
4
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:07pm

Happy Friday everyone,

Our divorce has been going on for over eight months now and I'm tired of it. We cannot seem to agree on much anything through our attorneys and will now be seeing a mediator for the first time next week. My attorney said since we are at a standstill we cannot proceed to divorce without mediation. How many of you have had to go through the same thing and did it work for you? I am hoping using the mediator will be a kinder and gentler method than having two attorneys who pit one against the other. I hope this mediator will be very experienced because he's definitely gonna get his money's worth with the two of us. Thanks for any input! Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:13pm

My divorce has been going on for 17 months now, and I am not going to mediation... I am going to trial to prove that this man is not competant to make responsible decisions regarding our children. I work as a Paralegal (yes, for my attorney) and I have NEVER seen mediation work for people who DON'T GET ALONG. If everyone has the same parenting styles, rules, beliefs, etc... they wouldn't need mediation. Mediators try to beat you into an "agreement" and someone usually "loses".

I don't know what your issues are at hand, but good luck and keep us posted! Welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:28pm

I work for an attorney too, and have found that most attorneys encourage the fighting to keep the billable hours rolling in. If everyone got along they would not be driving porsches and sending their kids to private school. I have very rarely seen a trial or long protracted fight that was worth it in the end. Most people want to use the court system to get back at their ex for things that occured during the marriage.

To the OP, go into mediation with the idea that you want this settled. Have an open mind and be willing to compromise, after all you will be dealing with this man long after the court hearing is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:50pm
In Oregon, mediation is mandatory proir to trial. I have been in mediation three times with x. He is an abusive, manipulative, mentally ill man. The first two times in mediation, we were unable to come to any agreement. The last time, we were. It really is dependant on the people involved and the committment to trying to make mediation work. The first two times, he was willing to go the mile in court. The last time, he didn't want the expense. (It probably didn't have anything to do with his having lost every single time out of about 10 times that he has taken me to court. He's too stupid for that to be a factor.) So, with the assistance of a FABULOUS mediator, we were able to come to a fair agreement that time. Don't go in with a defetest attitude. Go in with an attitude of this will work. Know what you want, what you will ask for, and what you will and won't compromise on before you go in. You can agree on some parts and not others. That at least helps some. Good luck!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 3:32pm

The goal of two separate attorneys is often to fight to get the "better deal" for their client. The goal of a mediator is to reach a compromise that both parties can live with. We mediated our D, and it was relatively easy. Bear in mind: the definition of a successful mediation is that both parties walk away feeling unhappy! (uh, that's a joke... sort of.) If you both can start with an attitude of wanting a relatively FAIR agreement, and trying to remain on decent terms with each other, it will help. It also is a huge help if you TRUST each other, at least on a basic level. If you go in assuming that the other person is lying and trying to cheat you, you're going to have a difficult time. If you go in hoping to screw the other person, or teach them a lesson, or get as much as you possibly can, you're going to have a difficult time. If you both go in hoping to come out with an agreement that you both can live with, you should succeed.

good luck.