Memories, when do they go away
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Memories, when do they go away
| Sat, 11-26-2005 - 8:06pm |
I see things, the memories are flooding my head. I see a commercial or a piece of jewelry and it brings back things I have tried to erase. I understand it may take a year for me to get through this, but how? I cry on and off all of the time, it affects my work, everything about me.
They say that instead of letting yourself go, as I have, to get your butt in gear and look great. SO I am trying as of yesterday, I started working out.
I have noticed my x keeps himself up and I do not understand why now? Why do you care now? Why do you keep up the house all these years?
How do you accept that a third of your life has been a waste, a farce..I know it is not my fault, I never really met a con, but my pattern continues down that road.
I am so ready to jump in to something I am not ready for, impulsive and compulsive..
I thought I got on a free dating site similar to match and now find out it is a meat market, not ready for that either. I do not want to hide anymore, but I am not ready at the same time.
I know I married white trash and I never fit in with the family or friends..how could I have been so wrong all of these years? Yet I still cry. This man, my x will continue to fool others, but his biggest fool would be he..
Even when I walked down the aisle, I shook so bad and said I could not do this. My father thought it was just jitters, but in my mind I knew, I just did. My wedding ring is in the canal,he told me we never should have gotten married..he beat my dogs, one I had to give away and that I can never forgive myself for, though I know he must be in a better place than he was at our home, or his home. It was never my home, though I tried to make it one. I miss my dog so much. And I know he loved me. Right before I gave him away, I tried to give him as much love as I could, the dog, amd all my spouse would do is ask me to do this or that for him never mind the dog-hummer, who knew he was leaving. Right before he left, my spouse had a some candy real low in his hand. Hummer tried to take a lick at the wrapper, and my spouse hit him across the nose. I wish hummer would have bit him. I cry as I write this, for I have no one to tell.
Two days before my first court appearance, I found out my spouse purchased a gun. This was after I was out of the house, thank God. I would love to slap the hell out of whoever sold it to him and the idiot who gave him the permit. The man is a walking time bomb and I am just a mess of emotions.
If only people knew just who he really is..an evil bastard.
Thanks for listening.
They say that instead of letting yourself go, as I have, to get your butt in gear and look great. SO I am trying as of yesterday, I started working out.
I have noticed my x keeps himself up and I do not understand why now? Why do you care now? Why do you keep up the house all these years?
How do you accept that a third of your life has been a waste, a farce..I know it is not my fault, I never really met a con, but my pattern continues down that road.
I am so ready to jump in to something I am not ready for, impulsive and compulsive..
I thought I got on a free dating site similar to match and now find out it is a meat market, not ready for that either. I do not want to hide anymore, but I am not ready at the same time.
I know I married white trash and I never fit in with the family or friends..how could I have been so wrong all of these years? Yet I still cry. This man, my x will continue to fool others, but his biggest fool would be he..
Even when I walked down the aisle, I shook so bad and said I could not do this. My father thought it was just jitters, but in my mind I knew, I just did. My wedding ring is in the canal,he told me we never should have gotten married..he beat my dogs, one I had to give away and that I can never forgive myself for, though I know he must be in a better place than he was at our home, or his home. It was never my home, though I tried to make it one. I miss my dog so much. And I know he loved me. Right before I gave him away, I tried to give him as much love as I could, the dog, amd all my spouse would do is ask me to do this or that for him never mind the dog-hummer, who knew he was leaving. Right before he left, my spouse had a some candy real low in his hand. Hummer tried to take a lick at the wrapper, and my spouse hit him across the nose. I wish hummer would have bit him. I cry as I write this, for I have no one to tell.
Two days before my first court appearance, I found out my spouse purchased a gun. This was after I was out of the house, thank God. I would love to slap the hell out of whoever sold it to him and the idiot who gave him the permit. The man is a walking time bomb and I am just a mess of emotions.
If only people knew just who he really is..an evil bastard.
Thanks for listening.

hi honey and hugs...
memories ---- well, they don't really go anywhere, but they do fade away, and kind of blend in with the background, until one day you will think "oh him? yeah, we were married but i don't really remember him so well any more".
when will this happen? it takes time, for sure. so don't you be feeling bad about feeling bad (lol). it can take about a year until things are back to 'normal' - well, not exactly BACK - but in a different place. but you know, its not just about TIME. it also means that YOU have some work to do. because - when you are in a bad, unhealthy, abusive relationship ---- what happens is that your entire life is orientated towards HIM. you are always worried about him - how is he feeling, when will he yell, what will set him off, etc. and you kind of forget about taking care of yourself along the way. or maybe you think that if you will be good/pretty/thin/sexy/whatever - then things will be better. i know sweetie - i have BTDT....
so what do you do? you start taking care of yourself. yes, getting in better physical shape is one way to start. but imho - what you really need to do is learn to REALLY take care of you, to deal with whatever it was that you got you into this relatinship in the first place (your low self esteem? etc), to deal with the fact that you knew WALKING DOWN THE AISLE that there were problems and yet you married him anyway (oh boy!! can i relate to that...). deal with those issues - preferably with a therapist - and you will see how the rest of the pieces of the puzzle will just fall into place.
when i left my husband - second marriage - i took my son and just walked out one day when he was away on a *business trip* - i was a mess. i couldn't even say good morning without feeling like i was going to cry. i was a nervous wreck. but therapy, and great friends and family have helped me get thru this. who would've beleived that i would come as far as i did in just two years? time to regain control over YOUR LIFE.
hugs honey! hang in there. you have my permission to spend 48 hours wallowing in self pity and then - time to take control. you can do this - and we are all here for ya!
thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Just about everything you have suggested I have thought of, am doing..I have been on medication since I met the jerk. I had no self esteem when I met him and never grew up with it, I had toxic parents and still do.
I quit talking to them recently. My mom told me to grow up, cut me off financially and she spoke to me just like my spouse did. I said she had room to talk. I did the same thing she did and raised a child, not a man for 14 years, do not tell me to grow up!
They still ask how my x is doing, who the hell cares and how dare they? Call him and find out is what I wanted to say.
I do not know how to take care of me. I am trying to find another job, full time. Where I work it is also abusive and there is not one time I am not in that bathroom crying over their abusiveness. Between my parents, and work, it is a wonder I am doing as well as I am at this point.
I work 50 hours a week one week and 59 the other, which gives me no time at all for another job, I have tried. I am consulting churches to find out about their support groups.
When I see the therapist, they just medicate me.
I found a good site called divorce care and you can have them send messages to you telling you you are an OK person, with a verse from the bible.
I have ben excercising, which is what they tell you to do, instead of letting yourself go
as I have, do the opposite. I listened to that and am trying.
Thanks for the kind words.
hugs again.... I am truly sorry for all your pain. I think you are well on the way to healing because you are aware of the toxicity in your life, you are doing what you need to do to avoid being around toxic people - that is a huge step - especially when its your PARENTS
keep up with the exercise and try to shop around for a better therapist - its possible that you need medicataion, as i said in the other posting, for a short term measure, but you definately could use someone to talk to and to help you thru this. support groups are fine - i hope you can find one soon.