Merry Christmas
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Merry Christmas
| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 8:46pm |
Hello, I know I haven't been around much in the past few months and I am sorry. I have been lurking though. I am not doing so well and didn't want to bring everyone down. The divorce was final in August and I don't seem to be moving on. I still love him and wish he would come home. I don't sleep and my eating is out of control. It's been four months and no matter what he's done now, I still miss him. My heart is so empty. He took part of it with him when he left. My boys are doing OK. 12yo is angry. 10yo is weepy. I feel like I have no one to talk to except my therapist. I hate to bother you all, everyone seems to be moving forward, but me. I am so lonely and I know I am not ready to date. Not that anyone has asked. Am I the only one who feels like their divorce is a bad dream and someday I will wake up? I don't understand what happened. I need answers that no one, but my ex can give me and all he says is that he doesn't love me anymore. When did it happen? We were still making love. He bought me gifts for Valentine's. We were looking at larger homes to purchase. He even asked me what I wanted for our anniversary this year in June. He filed on March 4. How do you all do it? How do you live day to day? I spend most days crying at some point. At the very least I cry every night in the shower. What am I doint wrong that this isn't getting eaiser? I am a fool, but all I want for Christmas is my husband back.
Sorry to do this to you all.
May everyone have a wonderful Christmas and God Bless!
Hugs, Brenda
Sorry to do this to you all.
May everyone have a wonderful Christmas and God Bless!
Hugs, Brenda

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Annah
Brenda,
It is good to see you here again... you've been in my thoughts and I've been wondering how you've been doing... I'm sorry that you're having a rough time with it, but, unfortunately, that is completely normal... just like it is normal for it to take some longer than others to process it all and get through it... I feel like it is taking me longer than it should to... I'm over my x, don't want him back, but I also lost a lot of my ability to trust because of what happened...
Its funny, because for the longest time, I didn't even see attractive guys anymore... and I do mean that as in see with my eyes... I think it was this past March when I was up in Nashville (and met Karen :) ) that I realized that I was actually "seeing" attractive guys again... I took that as a step in the right direction, albeit unconscious...
Divorce is never easy, and you're not the only one who has looked upon it as a bad dream... I know I certainly did that at one point... When I was dealing with my worst times... and they were bad... I'd go to work and cry half the day away... then cry more once I got home... I tried to really focus on my son... I'd find one thing he would do each day that really made me smile and that was my thought for the next day... I did one or two things that I really wanted to do that for one reason or another had been put on the back burner during my marriage...
And then I was talking with a friend and she said something that really struck a chord with me... she said, "No man is worth tears and the ONE who is will NEVER make you cry." I typed it up and taped it to my monitor at work... it is true. My minister explained that my stbx (at the time) never truly loved me, because if he did he would never have acted the way he did (leaving, etc)... it was hard to hear, as I imagine it is for you to read, but he is right... he didn't ever truly love me... none of my meetings with my minister were ever easy... I'd always leave them feeling as if I needed a drink, and sometimes I had one... but they weren't easy because he was saying things that I wasn't quite ready to hear yet, and yet things that needed to be said...
Don't be ashamed for still mourning what you had, but do try to focus on positive things in your life and they are there, if you will allow yourself to see them... in fact, you may have to force yourself to see them right now... when something makes you smile, remember it, write it down, so you can refer back to it when you need a pick me up... and don't forget we're here for you... don't be such a stranger!
*hugs*
Julie
;-)
hugs, Julie..... I hope that you and Joey have a GREAT Christmas.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Brenda...this is one of the reasons why this board has stayed around...you CAN and SHOULD come here whether you have great or not-so-great feelings! This board was a huge support for me when I left my husband (now ex-husband) in February of '04.
Everyone will grieve in different ways and lengths of time. Last year was my first Christmas since I had taken the kids and left him. Although I was the one that had left, I still held out 'some' hope of reconcilliation. I truly thought my leaving would 'wake him up' and make him realize what he was losing. It did not. I filed for divorce in January '05 and it was final/done in March.
I still grieve. Even though it was a mutual decision to divorce in the end, it was still very difficult. I felt like a failure...like I had failed my children. I tend to fall into the 'what if's and the 'what could've been's. And that can really bring me down if I continue to wallow in it. But when I find myself doing this, I try to remind myself of why I left him in the first place and what the last 2 years of our marriage was like. This usually gets me back on track and reminds me (and re-confirms to me) that I've done the right and the best thing for all of us.
Unlike you, I do know why the marriage bond broke. I hope that if you do not find answers to all your questions...that you can still find peace and hope for your new life. Although I still grieve from time to time, I find that focusing on my children makes the grieving moments less and fewer.
Hope some of this helps. Please do stick around. We can't help each other if we just 'lurk' about the board (and this was a good reminder for me).
~i~ Merry Christmas ~i~
Cheryl
Dear Julie, Thanks for the advice. I know what you mean about not finding guys attractive. I still see my ex as the most handsome man in the world and have yet to see anything that compares. My ex was by no means perfect, but the good times that there were, were really good. He's a good man and excellent father. I knew he would be that's one of the reasons I married him. My children are what keep me going through this whole mess. If it weren't for them I probably wouldn't be here talking to you now. I would never do that to them. They deserve better. They didn't ask to come into this world, I brought them and owe them the best I can give.
Sometimes I wonder if my ex really ever loved me too. I mean how could he just stop like that. I am the only girl he ever dated (seriously-he only dated one girl one time before me). He is only the second boy I ever dated. I remember the first time I saw him like yesterday. He was gorgeous and for a man like that to pay attention to me was incredible. Maybe he just married me because that was the thing to do after dating four years.
Thanks again. This is going to be such a hard weekend for me, my first one alone. Wishing you the best for the New Year!
Hugs, Brenda
Edited 12/24/2005 10:31 am ET by mebrenda
Hugs, Brenda
Merry Christmas Cheryl! and here's to a great New Year for both of us.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
You're welcome Brenda...
The first Christmas is hard on everyone (who celebrates Christmas, at least), I believe... you're used to one way of doing things that had been your way for so long... you're used to being with certain people, with whom you may or may not be with for the first time ever... At times like these, this board is so helpful, because better than anyone, we understand what that first Christmas is like...
My anniversary was also in December, it was the 19th... my xh and I have now been separated/divorced for three years now and this year, I didn't even think about it being the 19th until it was that morning, when I looked in the paper and they had 12.19.05 at the top of a page... time will make it easier, but for that reason my first December was extremely difficult. It probably doesn't help to hear that it will get better with time, but not every Christmas will be as hard for you as this one is seeming like it will be... I promise.
Sending you lots of peaceful Christmas thoughts and keeping you in my prayers this weekend. I hope that you can feel us sending some strength and peace to you!
*hugs*
Julie
Thanks Karen... I've been looking forward to this Christmas for a while now because Joey really seems to get it, which is so cool. He has even, mysteriously, started acting very good since seeing Santa last weekend. When I ask what he wants for Christmas, he tells me, "Mommy, you don't understand. It's up to Santa to decide what I get for Christmas!" It's very cute.
I have to say that the past 12 hours or so have put a damper on my Christmas because Joey has come down with a stomach bug or something... I probably got 3 to 4 hours of sleep last night (which means I should go to bed plenty early for Santa's visit tonight) because Joey has been getting sick... it started 1:30-ish and we were up at 2:30 and soemtime else in the middle of the night and then at 7-ish this morning and again maybe 8:30 or so... we've just started the flat sprite/ginger ale and crackers, hoping to stop the madness... but I've all ready washed his sheets, comforter, 4 sets of jammies, my sheets, and still have his bear, which got washed three times earlier this week because Joey decided to spray a cleaner all over it, to wash... I just hope he gets over it and is better by Christmas...
Up until this past week, he's been a bit difficult, so I've told him he'd get coal for Christmas... Did you know they sold matchbox cars in "lumps of coal" this year? He has two of them on the top of his stocking... In addition, I found an Eddie Bauer black lab puppy stuffed animal he wanted earlier this year (I bought it and forgot about it)... so I've put a tag on him that says, Joey, This is Coal. He needs you. Please take care of him. Love, Santa. Joey has this way of naming his animals and I wanted this one to come with a name, so Mom and I were brainstorming yesterday at lunch and since he is black, I thought Coal would be perfect!
Anyway, thank you for the Christmas wishes... I hope that you and yours have a Merry Christmas too! Please send some calm tummy vibes to my JoeyBear!
*hugs*
Julie
Brenda, I am so glad you posted. I was starting to worry. You are NEVER bothering us. I was worried about you and wanted to know how you were. I find posting here very theraputic. Don't worry about bringing us down. I know it helps me to read about other people's experiences and feelings during this time.
I can relate to your feelings of sadness, lonliness, and rejection. I went though all of those feelings during my marriage for years. I would cry in the car, the shower, work....anywhere. People must have thought I was nuts.
There is no specific time frame you have to adhere to for healing. I know right now it is so hard for you, but things will get better with time. Be patient with yourself.
I hope you and your boys have merry Christmas. Hang in there.
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